Saturday 12.19.09

At 6pm the sink decided to be an asshole and stop working. Oh that is just fabulous! I am not sure when the last time you hosted a party, and I don’t think I need to remind you that the kitchen sink is essential for many many reasons. FML. Poor Dallas thought she was responsible for it because of her muddled basil strawberry martinis. I couldn’t let her take the heat, I finally told her on Monday morning that it was not her fault.

Let’s just get to the winners of the Top Chef Dessert Competition:

Lauren won the chocolate category with her chocolate, chocolate chip and bacon cookies. I want to make love to her and the cookies. They were fucking amazing, and I sadly only got one of them Yeah I know they look like piles of reindeer poop.

Chris won a prize for his amazing bread pudding. I can always count on him to kick some ass in cooking contests.

Dallas beat Erin in the drink category with her martini. (Sorry Erin, your pumpkin whatever the fuck it was tasted nasty! LOL)

Sully got an honorable mention for his eggnog cupcakes, Tommy got the worst dessert award for his family recipe of dog food nuggets, and Yvonne beat every baker in the history of the world with her red velvet cupcakes. I swear to you they are the best red velvet cupcakes I have ever had. And I eat them all the time… I seriously try them wherever I see and whenever I have the opportunity.When she showed up I tried to take them straight to my bedroom and hide them under the bed, but the 3 dozen people in my kitchen saw me and began calling me a hoarder. I did manage to “hide” a layer of them at the top of the kitchen cabinets. All of the winners got gift bags with some cool stuff and some very random weird stuff. Gift cards to dessert shops, BevMo, Cheesecake Factory, etc… some got cookbooks, Dallas got “The Hangover” for her winning drink and then all of them got very bizarre things that I have been collecting over the years. Like socks from Japan that have weird cartoon characters on them. Also like little plastic crap from vending machines in Tokyo. And wooden magnets from Africa. Also a bar of soap shaped like a koala bear. And monkey bookmarks. You see, I wanted to get rid of all of this during the yard sale but Kim wouldn’t let me… she talked me into giving door prizes away at my parties and now everyone thinks I am a whacko. Well at least Lauren does. She wants to have an intervention and call the show Hoarders. Personally I think I am doing much better because I am actually GIVING it away.

When Leif the Elf showed up, it was very awkward. Several people were already there and he walked in with some other people. No one knew quite what to say. I mean, they wanted to laugh, but they also were very confused about why a small man that no one recognized was in an elf costume. After I introduced him and people eased up on the awkwardness of “Holy shit, there is a midget in the room” they realized that I hired him to entertain them. Leif was doing this weird thing with his shoulders (which I thought was a nervous tick or disorder) in order to jingle the bells on his collar. Ok, the whole thing was fucking strange for the first 10 minutes. And next time I want someone shorter!

Noel and Emma were apparently the only ones who read “Bust out those tacky Christmas sweaters” at the bottom of the evite. Love the outfits ladies!

Jesus Christ Lauren! You are an amazon! (Hey btw have you guys seen her on TV at all lately? hahaha We made it to Chelsea Lately! SWEET)

And here we are getting just a wee bit drunker. Well, Tyson is anyways.

And here is where it gets really funny. You might remember my tweets from the summer about the tacky lawn ornaments that my jerk friends put on the lawn in the middle of the summer? Yeah, the penguin with the moving wings, the polar bear who skiis and the giant igloo. Well, unbeknownst to me in the middle of the yard sale last month they lied to me and told me that they sold them but in reality they went with Kim’s sister to her garage. And, of course, they magically appeared in my living room during the party. I can’t even tell you the amount of times these fuckers broke into my house and dragged them onto my lawn (or pretended to do that and tweeted an old pic sending me into orbit while I was out of town). The last mother fucking thing I wanted to see in my new loft were these dirty peice of shit lawn ornaments that spent  months outside. Yeah, that’s right… when they brought them out in June on my birthday I left them there to piss Lovey the 94 year old neighbor off.  It was truly hilarious that they went through the trouble to do this…. but didn’t last very long and the polar bear and igloo ended up on the sidewalk out front and the penguin ended up “flying” out the window into the trash area outside.

By the end of the night I was so sick of losing my cup that I opted to just drink straight out of the bottle. Drinking prosecco is classy if you have a flute, not so much out of the bottle.

And of course, it wouldn’t be a party if Rich and I didn’t get into a food fight. Red velvet cupcakes are mashed all over the place and Kim is very very angry with me

I kicked everyone out at 2 am. A fun time was had by all. Except my neighbors…..