week of 12.07.09 – 12.11.09

Monday: I attempted to have a Top Chef: Martha Stewart Christmas Recipes Edition but the entree flaked on me at 5:00 pm and since people in Southern California think that they will melt when it rains, the amuse bouche and the side dish also flaked. Kim, Dusty, Michelle and I ate a side dish and an appetizer and drank wine while watching the first 3 episodes of Top Chef: Las Vegas. Kim made bleu cheese stuffed dates wrapped in bacon and Dusty and Michelle made sweet potatoes with almonds and some yummy sugary stuff.

The dates were good but needed a bit more bleu cheese and the sweet potatoes were good because they weren’t the traditional kind where they are all mashed and pureed. They were sliced and cut almost like au gratin … very very good I contributed wine and frozen cream puffs/chocolate eclairs. We were unsatisfied and hungry but were certainly not malnourished.

Tuesday: nothing to report. Oh wait, there is something. We uncovered footage of a porn star flapping her mouth about having sex with Tiger Woods. On our dime. On camera in our studio. On our very own talk show called “Live With Lauren” Oh yeah, that’s nothing that the media would give a shit about! HAHA! A few of us stayed at work til the wee hours of the morning and were able to produce this video. That is the shortened version. If you want to hear 4 minutes of it visit Naughty America. Hey, Holly Sampson, maybe you want to watch what you say on the internet. I can tell you that we have spoken via text message this week and she was not very thrilled about this footage being released. I told her that I was not sorry and that I would love for her to want to continue to work for Naughty America but that she should be happy that it put both of us on the map. I told her we would hug it out the next time we saw each other. Somehow I don’t think this is going to happen.

After we finished at the office we went to the Chee-Chee and met up with Jarin and Jason and somehow managed to spend $85.00 in the hour before closing time. I think Jameson shots were involved. Waking up for work on Wednesday was a huge struggle and I walked into the sexual harassment training seminar reeking like booze. People always laugh when they hear about a porn company having sexual harassment training… like doesn’t everything we do revolve around sex and talking about sex? This yearly seminar is where we get a lot of our ideas for Naughty Office. But honestly, there are definitely instances in our office where someone might be offended. Pretty much everything out of my mouth is offensive in some way or another to someone.

Wednesday turned into Thursday which turned into Friday and I can tell you that the amount of press we have received from this footage is simply amazing. E, Extra, Insider, The Today Show, Howard Stern, TMZ, The Huffington Post, the list goes on and on. We have reports of it being shown all over the UK, New Zealand, websites in Pakistan….some of the sources chopped the video up and only some of them actually say Naughty America dot com. We are practically a household name. I remember I made a bet about 10 years ago with a guy who I worked with at Long’s Drugs. I bet him that I would be a household name by the time I was 40 years old. I bet him $1000. I have to keep pressing at this and look his ass up in 2 years.

Poor Lauren is tripping out. Her phone has been blowing up for days from people she hasn’t talked to in forever. She went on vacation on Friday and is out again tomorrow… so that means that Dallas and I have to do the show. Awkward! With 56,792 more people watching us now… does it change the dynamics of the show for me? Am I still going to go on there and spew about my debauchery and nonsense? You bet! I can tell you that every sports writer/blogger in America is watching this show now waiting for the next big story of a porn star spilling what celebrity she slept with. Tory Lane called Pauly Shore on the air the other day and when Dallas asked if it was ok that he was on the air, he said “No.” and hung up. Hilarious.

Friday night was our company holiday party at Old Town Mexican Cafe. The food is nasty but it’s cheap and really it’s all about the tasty expensive tequila shots we do. We had a speech from Andreas, we all gloated in our success from the week and then went to Old Town Saloon to get shit-faced drunk. I tried to get the boss’s bff to go home with me but he informed me that boss man has forbidden it. Cock blocker!

I love it when Michelle drinks.

I would love to know what this conversation was about.

We missed you Lauren, Corina and Erin

Saturday 12.05.09

Tommy and Jen came to get me at about 11:30 am so we could go to this awesome street vendor food fair and by the time we got there and walked up to the ticket booth they were sold out. Epic fail. In my drunken stupor last night, I forgot my credit card at Bareback and had to stop by there this morning for a bloody beer so that might have been the exact time that we wasted and which made us late to the street fair. Pissed! We went to Princess Pub instead and I ordered the fish and chips along with an Irish cider called Magners that Jen and Tommy introduced to me! Deee lish! Perfect for hangover days …

We got on the road to LA around 1:30 and headed to the Standard in Hollywood. Today was Nikki Benz’s birthday celebration at Coco DeVille nightclub which is owned by the delicious STK so we caravaned up to celebrate it with her! Lauren and James, Chris, Tommy, the Jenns, Jonathan, Hannah, Adam and I met at the hotel bar and we attempted to walk over to what I thought was Boa Steakhouse a few blocks away. Another failed attempt at dining today. Apparently they moved and the new owners haven’t quite set up. The Grafton is the new place and they only served cafe food. Arrrgggh. We kept walking and finally settled on the lounge at Ketchup. I ordered the white truffle mac and cheese with crab.

It was pretty good actually. Lauren ordered the vegetarian pasta-less lasagna. Umm wouldn’t that just be called a pile of vegetables with sauce? Tommy ordered the sausage and wild mushroom saffron risotto. Bland, flavorless and disappointing.

We went to the club and of course I got mauled by Puma Swede. It was fun hanging out with her and Kieran Lee and it was great to see Scott Nails after many years.

I barely saw Nikki Benz at all. This is her and her gay bff

Puma grabbed my camera (for those of you paying attention: the big fancy Nikon, not the small point and shoot. D’oh!) and proceeded to take about a hundred photos of us. Finally the bouncer came over and asked me to put it away because you weren’t allowed to have those types of camera in this joint. I was very confused so I went to another security guy and asked for an explanation. The manager came to tell me that since this place very celebrity friendly they ask other people there not to have cameras with lenses as big as mine so that the celebrity patrons don’t think that they have allowed paparazzi in. Oh my god, this is so Los Angeles. Give me a fucking break.

On that note, I will leave you with this picture.

Week of 11.30.09 through 11.06.09

I went to a fashion show on Monday night with Lauren and James. It was put on by a group of students and it was not at all what I expected, but it was cute and fun to spend some QT with Lauren outside of work. Tuesday was the day my new assistant started (it’s funny how you get an assistant to help you because you need it and then you stress out more trying to train them and bring them up to speed, when sometimes it just feels easier to do the work yourself.) I like her though, she seems like she is going to work out. Plus she doesn’t mind us screaming all kinds of weird shit at each other in the office. Wednesday rolled into Thursday and I have nothing to report. I just worked long hours, didn’t eat anything particularly exciting but I did start back going to the gym again. It hurts a little, but it’s a good pain.

Friday morning was a champagne kind of day on “Live with Lauren” and if you don’t watch it, you are probably better off. lol We got a little nutty and of course managed to cry with laughter. We made fun of each other, made fun of some fans, shoved things in our mouths, did yoga poses and even got other employees to leave their posts and come down to the studio and join the debauchery. I had invited Joe from my high school into the chat room to check it out and it was mildly awkward for a minute but what the hell… Like I said, I am who I am.

I went to lunch at Cafe Chloe with Mike, one of the owners of Tivoli Bar and we got a little tipsy on some delicious Mt Edna chardonnay. I had the apple and fennel soup and the crab cake. What I didn’t realize is that the warm greens on the plate that I had been ignoring had chunks of thick bacon in it. Whoa, that was a close call of pig almost going to waste.

We ordered a caramel espresso bread pudding topped with vanilla ice cream that was to die for.

I floated back to work and was 10 minutes late to a meeting for which I had no choice to but to announce that I had wine at lunch and I was buzzed. It was so obvious! I went to happy hour at Bareback, flirted with the manager and made a little trip to the Hustler store

….to buy a red ball gag. I really don’t know what got into me, I just wanted to try it out. And guess what, it doesn’t fit and it hurts my jaw. $35 down the drain. Happy hour turned into midnight which made for a hell of a Saturday….

Thursday 11.26.09 and Friday 11.27.09

Thanksgiving was the usual traditional meal with all the side dishes and pies that you would expect. There was a particularly yummy bacon corn casserole that I inhaled. The funniest part of the day was while hearing the sound of whipped cream in a can being sprayed (you know the kind that when you inhale it you get silly) and then hearing my brother-in-laws mom go “Oh boy whose jacket is this?” She had accidentally lost control of the can and sprayed a bunch of it into the pocket of my black pea coat. I thought I was going to pee myself laughing. Hearing her Irish accent and not knowing what the hell was happening in the other room just struck me so funny. Sorry, I guess you had to be there.

Today was also a great day because my brother and his wife and I bought our plane tickets to Australia and New Zealand! I am so freaking excited!! We are taking a very long 21 day trip and will be hitting Sydney, Uluru, Cairns, Whitsunday Islands and finally heading to Auckland, NZ. We tried to get the Qantas pass where you pay less and still get to travel within Australia but since we chose to start and end in different cities and hit NZ, we got robbed on the price. I don’t even want to tell you what the flight cost. Yikes. (reminds self: once in a lifetime trip)

On Friday my sister and I went to the mall and did some Christmas shopping. I know, I am nuts, but it wasn’t that bad actually. My class reunion was later that evening and I had a hotel room near the mall with some girlfriends from high school, so she dropped me off and then I had a total anxiety attack about what to wear. Jessica, Kristen and Kate met up with me and we slapped on the whore makeup and headed over to the venue where “the guys” were watching the UCONN game and eating dinner before the reunion. Most everyone is married with a couple of kids, doing the same job for the last decade. Some people moved out of Connecticut, some people are divorced, some people are doing things I never would have expected and some people looked exactly the same. Kate, Katie and Bob had done a fantastic job planning this thing and even though I was the dorky class president I wasn’t able to really help with the planning of it since I live 3000 miles away, so I contributed by building the website. It really was nice to see some of the people, some of them I got stuck talking to that I could care less about, and I managed to freak out a few people talking about my job. One old friend said “So, are you still doing photography?” and my response was “Well, sort of. It’s a different kind of ‘ography’.” She ran away.

I was taking photos with my small point and shoot, and I only took a few photos with the big fancy Nikon because let’s face it, it’s hard to hold a drink and use an SLR at the same time. I didn’t eat any of the buffet food, and I decided to go shot for shot with a buddy who probably weighs close to 240 pounds. Oh that is just brilliant! Tequila? Really, Laura? TEQUILA? I don’t even like that shit! I drank it once in high school and wanted to kill myself the next day and the only other time I drink it is in Mexico, because that is usually the only hard liquor you can find. One thing led to another, I lose my small camera, become “that girl” and generally proceed to embarrass myself in front of everyone. We wrapped up at the reunion and headed over to another bar where a lot of our friends from elementary and junior high school were. Many of our childhood friends ended up going to a Catholic high school in the next town over and their class reunion was also the same night. So naturally I continue my drink-a-thon with Phelper, and then I see three guys that I had crushes on at some point in my childhood. After some investigation (and a very awkward moment in the bathroom with one of their wives) I learn that Joe is single. Let’s rewind about 5 years. Someone had mentioned that they saw him and they reported that he was hot, had a great body and owned a very successful business. Funny how the wife part escaped my memory. Anyways, about 3 weeks ago his name popped into my head and I thought how awesome it would be to run into him this weekend. He didn’t show up at the actual reunion, but got wind that we were all meeting at this bar, so lucky me… I didn’t recognize him (possibly because I was only able to see out of one eye) and was totally taken aback when I started talking to him. Upon discovery of his “singleness” I made a point to let everyone in the bar know not to let him leave without notifying me. I found out later that I made his friend go into the men’s bathroom looking for him at one point because I thought he ditched out without saying goodbye. What a jackass. Long story longer… I got a ride back to the hotel from him since the girls went to fucking Denny’s with the guys. Puke! Hang on… let me see…. lure Joe back to my hotel or go eat at that shit-hole? Pretty simple answer I think. Unfortunately I was cock-blocked (pussy blocked?) by the two guys he had promised rides home to and also the fact that he was a nice guy and refused to let me do something I might regret in the morning. He obviously doesn’t know me very well.

The next day we were texting back and forth and I invited him to dinner with my family. My sweet innocent sister was not comprehending that I would not be returning to her house that night and that I would find my way back there in the morning. I felt like I was lying to my parents about a “sleepover” at my girlfriend’s house. It was pretty funny. Keep in mind, that Joe is sober. I immediately assumed he had gone to rehab or something and he simply explained that he tried it in high school a few times and it just wasn’t for him. (sound of record scratching… whaaaa?). After dinner we went back to his place and attempted to watch a movie, talked for hours about our lives, his ex-wife, his kids, our jobs, my blind dating adventures, traveling….etc… It was great to catch up and I fell in love with his Doberman who thinks he can fit on your lap. When it came time to “go to sleep” it was a little awkward, he got a little shy so I asked if he wanted me to sleep on the couch (HAHA yeah right like I was going to actually do that.) Here is a guy who is coming out of a messy divorce where she cheated on him and traumatized him, and here is me, having sober sex with a stranger for the first time in who knows how long. If you do the math, it has been longer that he hadn’t seen each other than the time that we actually knew each other. That to me is “sex with a stranger.” (And seriously… as a single person for the last 3 years I can honestly say that when you hook up with someone for the very first time alcohol is usually involved. Even if it is one or two glasses of wine, something to loosen things up a little. Who meets someone at the grocery store and then goes and has sex with them? When was the last time you met someone in yoga and then took them back to your place for a one night stand?) The awkwardness went away quickly We laughed about how silly it was that we had never tried this out before.  We have been talking and emailing and chatting this week… making each other laugh. I have lured him into the world of porn and am making him a list of videos to watch in his spare time or  during those sleepless nights alone. He is amazed that I can talk freely about sex, porn, masturbation, and all kinds of other shit that most uptight women on the east coast shudder about. I am very open minded and at times think like a man. In the last few years I have been accused of intimidating men and I just don’t see it. I wish that my honesty and openness wasn’t regarded as such. Someone recently told me that I should try harder to give men the warm fuzzies and be sweeter. lol I just don’t really know what that means I guess. Oh well, I am just me being me.

Wednesday 11.25.09

I slept in til 10am! It was awesome!! Today I just did some work stuff and waited for the family to come home from their half day so we could get to Flatbreads to see my new favorite boy band The McLovins. I saw them play at Sullivan Hall in Manhattan in September and was utterly blown away. The are only teenagers and are so amazingly talented it is incredible. The guitarist is like a prodigy… I am seriously in awe watching him play. So, since I had some photos of them from the time I saw them, I handed them a disc with the images and I am sure I completely creeped them out. LOL I was talking to one of their moms who was selling merchandise for them in the back and I am quite sure the lady was like, um who is this old broad stalking my son and his friends. Actually, I am being silly, because there were a lot of older people there enjoying their music. OK, it was probably their Dad’s poker buddies and their Mom’s bridge club. There were also about 50 kids there between the age 0f 10 and 17. You know what? I don’t even care! It was awesome, my family loved it and we ate delicious flatbread pizza and drank local beer while listening to my new favorite band.

Monday, Tuesday 11.23.24.09

I wrapped up some stuff at work on Monday, went home and packed for my trip back east. I had an early flight to go home to see my family and friends for the holiday and was also attending my 20 year high school reunion.  I ate a pretty yummy crab cake at Obrycki’s in the Baltimore airport and for dinner I had average pizza at Lena’s in Hartford (surprising since my sister and her family love it and eat there all the time) On our way out we grabbed a slice of the pumpkin cheesecake with Ginger Snap and almond crust (even though her husband told us their desserts sucked.) He was so convinced that it would suck that he stopped at Cheesecake Factory on the way home to grab more cheesecake. And wouldn’t you know it he snuck a red velvet cheesecake slice into the house without my knowledge. Luckily I caught it before it was all gone or there would have been problems.

It’s awesome being at home around family at the holidays. For so many years I worked in retail or I had a dog to deal with so I couldn’t just hop on a plane and head home for Thanksgiving and Christmas… but now I have tons of freedom, and I, too, join the rest of the people in the world who pay way too much money for plane tickets and fight the crowds at airports.  I love that my family lets me take naps, cooks breakfast for me, allows me to not do dishes after big meals, and generally spoils me rotten. I am the baby of the family, and even though I am 38, it is still nice to be treated like one. The weather being a little cold and breezy, the crisp fresh air and the ice cold delicious tasting tap water are all things that I love. My sister lives in a 2 story Dutch Colonial and the creaky floors and nooks and crannies and porches and sun rooms make me miss living in New England.  You just don’t see the same types of places in CA…. And I especially love that she still has blue fuzzy wallpaper in her dining room! LOL

Sunday 11.22.09

Since the cable wasn’t working I decided to head to brunch at Universal to meet with Tommy, Jenn and those funny guys from the other night.

Just so you know, you can find more info on Justin Martindale on page 30 of Frontiers magazine this month!

Also Dusty, Michelle and their friends from the UK joined us. The last time I ate at this place I asked the waiter to see if the chef could possibly fold bacon chunks into my pancake batter, and while they look at me like I am being the biggest pain in the ass, I can see their wheels turning. Or maybe they are vegan and truly are rolling their eyes at me. Listen, I know that I can order a side of bacon with my stack and drag the whole thing through the pancake syrup, but half the fun is the little surprise in every bite. I also inhaled part of Tommy’s biscuits and gravy when he got up to use the restroom.

After brunch we spoke of a Sunday Funday playing pool after we ran some errands, but I opted to head home and get some more unpacking done. But, not before I stopped at Taste Artisan cheese shop in Hillcrest to order some truffle salt and to buy white truffle butter and black truffle butter. I wanted to eat the entire thing of butter for dinner, but I just made pasta and put the white truffle butter on it and threw in some prosciutto. I have to be honest, it was pretty disgusting. It sounded good, but I have might been just too food and boozed out from the weekend to enjoy anything. I passed out and slept for 12 hours.

Saturday 11.21.09

I woke up today with a mild case of heartburn and I was cursing the Lord himself before my feet even hit the ground. Why in holy hell would I get heartburn for the first time in easily 10 months on the morning of the most important food and alcohol ingesting day of the year?? Why do you hate me God? Why? Is it because I produce porn for a living? I know I cut a deal with the devil and that is why I look young for my age, but really? Heartburn on the morning of the food and wine festival? I swear I will never ask for anything ever again.

And with just three tums, my religious spat was over   My faith had been restored.

The guys were installing the TVs at my place and being super duper loud with the saws and the drilling and the white dust flying. HAHA! Yes, I am renting. Oh well, the magic of drywall. I am hoping to have the shit working so I can lay on the sofa with Chris and watch the entire season of Top Chef tomorrow.  I know, its tragic that I have only seen the first episode of this most recent season. I don’t even want to talk about this. And please, no one tell me who wins. Not that I will even know who you are talking about at this point.

We arrived at the festival late for the early admission. Something else I don’t want to talk about. Grabbed our tacky plastic Union Bank plates (Sean, you are so dumb for fighting me on the plate all day… ) and our Viejas wine glasses and off we went.

The first things were rather disappointing. I spit the first thing out of my mouth because it literally tasted  like a Milk-Bone dog biscuit. Of course I know what those taste like. Duh. I would never have fed my dog something without trying it first. She was a foodie, too, she just couldn’t communicate it to me.

The highlights of the day I can tell you were the following:

The lambchop (shit, it’s been a week and a half and I forgot where this was from! oops)

The uni custard puff from Brasserie !! (don’t know what “uni” is? look it up lol)

The amazing bacon and shrimp Gourmet taco from Rubios of all places! I can’t even believe that I never thought to put bacon in a taco. Duh!

(also the raw scallop… very very brave)

The LTP award went to the Westgate Hotel’s dessert… a cheescake type thing with a caramel pomegranate sauce. I don’t like pomegranates nor do I like the restaurant inside the hotel called Fontainebleau … but guess what?  I licked this plate clean. As you can see I am not the only one who fell in love.

There were tons of edible things but nothing truly amazing jumped out at me. It is difficult to pull off a massive amount of something very small in a timely manner. Most places were either too ambitious for the event or not ambitious enough. I know that might not make sense, but this event is getting bigger and bigger every year, so with little of no experience you might just fail. The mini cupcake people have no excuse for failing. How can you fuck up a cupcake the size of a donut hole? Jesus, its only that big, you better make it moist. Sheesh… I just get so bummed out when I gleefully put the red velvet near my mouth and I end up with dry ickyness.

We stumbled back to my place and Sean and Michelle decided they were hungry and wanted to get Mexican food! Whaaat? We engaged in some ping-pong, had several rounds of visitors, tried on wedding dresses, ordered pizza to be delivered from DIRECTLY across the street, and finally went bar hopping to the Chee-Chee, The Local and Bareback. Jarin walked me home at the end of the night because I was speaking in tongues.

Today is the day that my father died 16 years ago. When we were doing something particularly enriching or fun he would say “I wonder what the poor people are doing?”