Tuesday March 2, 2010

Yesterday I realized how unhappy I was at my job and decided that I wanted to quit. It is something that has been on my mind since I returned from Africa in the fall of 2008.  There is something out there that is greater and bigger for me. I am not sure what that means just yet, but I needed to free up my time and clear my head to determine what it is. It was a tough decision to make and did not come easily. It’s not something that I did in haste and I have put a lot of thought into how I could make it work if I had stayed. I thought if I worked from home I wouldn’t feel so burned out, but that was not the answer. I know this sounds corny, but I am an artist and I need to create things. Working for Naughty America and Suite 703 was an amazing experience and I will take the things I learned to the next level of my life.

I am fast approaching 40 years old and I felt so unsatisfied… like I wasn’t really doing anything for me, to make me a better person. Producing porn for 10 years was fun and exciting, but I was merely creating what I was told to create. None of the ideas were mine and none of the projects were ones that I had full creative control over. It’s no one’s fault, that’s just the way it is! I don’t own the company, and I am just executing on what I was asked to. Bored? Yeah, totally bored. Am I insane for quitting a good job in the middle of an economic crisis? You might think that, but  I know this was the right decision for me. There are only 2 people in my life who criticized me for doing this and every other person told me how happy they were for me.  The support of my friends and family is so important to me during this, so I thank you all for the words of confidence. It’s reassuring to hear that so many people have the confidence in me that I have in myself. Am I a little nervous? Yeah, of course I am… But what is the worst thing that could happen? I could sit on my ass and blow all of my savings and end up on my sister’s couch in Connecticut. (Which actually sounds like an awesome plan btw HAHA!)

Do I have a plan? Yes and no. I have several options. I can always go back to shooting wedding as a way to make ends meet. First though, I am going to enjoy my vacation in Australia (oh btw 818 is coming with me!) and then when I get back I am going to chill the fuck out for a little while. Maybe go back east and stay with family for a few weeks. Maybe do a US road trip? Maybe take a few naps? Make sure I don’t go 2 weeks without a blog entry! Take a cooking class? Hell maybe I will go to culinary school!

I am grateful for the opportunities I was given and I will look back with pride on our accomplishments as a company. When I started in March of 2002 I had no idea how long I would stay in the business or where it would take me in the end. Today I say with 100% clarity that I am ready for the next chapter of my life.