The highlight of my day was watching Ryan looking for the cigarette butt he just chucked into the street. Maybe one day he will learn that I will not tolerate littering…especially from a smoker. Tisk tisk
Actually. I lied. The highlight of my day was learning that this guy works at Bareback How sweet. He went and got the stray beer pong ball out of the street.
I was supposed to go out tonight with Chris and Rich and the other gang that was in town for Pride weekend but after my 4 hour “meeting” at Bareback I went home for a “nap” and passed out for the night. Sorry guys!Fast asleep by 9pm. Yup. I am old and addicted to yoga.
I went to Stephanie’s house this afternoon for a quick visit and to give her and her son some souvenirs that I brought back from Australia. This is Titus, he’s a 7 year old English Mastiff.
Stephanie and I lived together several times over the last 18 years. She was one of my very first friends that I met when I moved to San Diego in 1992. We used to work together at Fox Photo in Clairemont and I have to say she is responsible for sending me down that path of let’s just say “no good.” She took me to a rave called Barbarella down by the border of Mexico one time in the early 90’s and left me alone for 30 minutes and was astonished that when she came back I had taken ecstasy and was sucking on a nitrous balloon. Well what the fuck did you think was going to happen? I was so confused as to why this party started at midnight and why there was no keg. This is back in the days that you could buy ecstasy in bars in Texas and when giant raves were popping up all over Southern California with hundreds of underage kids dressed in neon sucking on pacifiers. Ahhh those were the days! Anyways, she used to have 2 mastiffs but Summer died a few years ago so she only has Titus now. He is a real character (dumb as a box of rocks but sweet) and loooooves me. I got some ridiculously funny videos of him today.
Look at how small her 4 year old is compared to him!
They are working dogs after all.
Imagine living with not one but TWO of these drooling beasts. I swear to God, it was disgusting but I wouldn’t trade it in for the world. Living with my lab Sierra and her 2 mastiffs in a tiny little 2 bedroom bungalow was some of the funniest and most treasured times of my adult life. I have hundreds of photos of them being bad and I have a ton of video footage that I really should do something with. I basically videotaped everything around me for a year straight (I went so far as to setting up a video camera on the dash of my car and filmed myself driving and talking when I had something that I thought was interesting enough to talk about. We are talking about 60 hours of footage that I have narrowed down to 6 hours of hilarity. Some day! …and no I won’t show the embarassing stuff for those of you reading this and worrying that I am going to post shit of you. I would ask permission first )
I rallied the troops from Naughty America to come downstairs after work and join me for happy hour at Bareback. I am still friends with a bunch of people there and it was nice to see them all. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to hear some of them say that they missed me and my energy around the office.
Jack, Johnny, Jen and Ryan. (I was trying to get a photo of Johnny who I never realized was so fucking hot when I worked there. Jesus. Anyways, that little shit kept making these dumb faces. I am sure someone from the office who is reading this will show him and it will be wicked awkward the next time I see him, but who cares. He’s a babe. Too bad he has a girlfriend. And yeah, it appears as though I am developing a pattern with my taste in men. Wait who am I kidding, my taste in men is that they need to have a penis.)
Jennie and her awesome Mom Nancy who is visiting from Long Island. What a way to kick of Mother’s Day weekend at happy hour with your Mom! I’m so jealous! I would tell you to follow Jennie on Twitter but she’s lame and only authorizes people that she knows to follow her. It’s really a shame because she is funny as fuck.
I just love these photos of them… moments like this make me a little teary eyed about losing my Mom so young. I do have an evil stepmonster but haven’t spoken to her since my Dad’s funeral.
Nice face Ryan.
Jennie, Erin (who was nicely lit up like myself at this point) and Michael.
I think Michael was a little overwhelmed by the breasts in his face.
Damn you, Johnny, look hot will ya?
It would have been a great shot except for the shadow on her chin and neck. I doubt anyone will even notice it but it bugs me.
After happy hour which lasted way too long Erin and I walked over to the Chee Chee and had one beer before heading to my house. Her boyfriend Mike was on his way over with his Great Dane and German Sheperd! YAY! More dogs! I love a good dog party in my bed! Juno is the Sheperd (yes like the movie) and Brody is the Great Dane.
We were literally running back and forth in my loft and they got all tuckered out. Brody is super sweet and loving and Juno has a little bit of a chip on her shoulder.
We are far from done with this … I need him in the daylight to make it right.
Brody literally had me pinned to the ground and was licking my face. His giant lips were all over my face and I loved every minute of it.
When I woke up this morning I didn’t want to wash my face because I believe that Brody and I were destined to be together forever.
I had to deal with my stupid laptop today so I went to Best Buy in hopes that they had my warranty on file and that they would take care of my white wine mess. Of course the warranty expired a year ago and I forgot to renew it. Don’t they send notices for that kind of stuff?? I went to the Geek Squad area to see if they could recover the data I had on there and of course since the thing wouldn’t power on I had to buy a new laptop and a hard drive to leave with them so they could take all the crap off the old one. Thank God I am so paranoid and ridiculous about my images that I have them still on my memory cards and I didn’t lose anything. After I got my new gear I got back in the Geek Squad line. This one dude was busy helping someone and I could clearly hear 2 other employees standing nearby chatting about a recent Vegas weekend. I asked the guy who was busy if the other guy could help me.
Me: “Excuse me I know you are busy but does he (pointing) work in the Geek Squad department?”
Clerk: “Oh yes he can help you but he is talking to that guy about work stuff and he will be with you as soon as he is done.”
CLEARLY A LIE! I was getting so pissed off standing there. Like my blood was boiling. WORK STUFF? What the hell is work stuff? Bottle service in Vegas? The slot machines? You know… coming back from such an awesome trip you would think I would be just calm and cool and not let this bother me, but goddamn I was getting ticked off. So homeboy chatting to someone (who was not dressed like a Mormon who was probably not qualified as “geek” status) ended his conversation and then started breaking down boxes. He disappears for a minute and I was about a second and a half from yelling at the busy guy when luckily another guy came out and asked if I had been helped yet. Honestly, I had to catch my breath and put myself in their shoes. If I worked at Best Buy I might act like a total little asshole, too.
I stopped by the office to give away some souvenirs: Dallas got kangaroo nipple warmers (naturally), Lauren got body scrub from the mud bath place in New Zealand, a bunch of people got those little koala clip-on thingys from the 80’s, and Tommy and Michelle got the genuine kangaroo paw items. (bottle opener and keychain respectively) Neither of them would actually even touch the damn things. They are pretty creepy and gross. lol
Tommy and I went to a new place in town called Quality Social. There is a funny story about the guys who own this place… I met Chris #1 a few years ago at a function at the Ivy and then ran into him a few months later at a wine and food festival. We exchanged texts and he told me he wanted to meet with me for a business meeting with his partner, also named Chris. (called Dex from here on out.) Basically they needed funding for this place and somehow thought that me being in the porn biz qualified me as a millionaire/investor. HA! At the time it was in the middle of the economic crisis and they struggled with financing but finally got the thing opened just a few weeks ago. (I haven’t talked to either of them since the fall of ‘08 so you can imagine how shocked I was when I got a call from Chris #1 the day I was leaving for Australia.) It’s marketed as a downtown “luxury dive bar” and has the feel of a classy place but without the cheesy pretentiousness of a downtown nightclub. They have a full menu that is pretty impressive and involves an entire pig being brought in once a month! The kitchen stays open til 2am I think every night of the week and they have some killer cocktails. I had the “h” cocktail: square one cucumber vodka, st. germain, lime, club soda, cucumber and black pepper. Tommy had the “dirty old man”: old overholt rye whiskey, benedictine, lemon, and peach bitters and then moved to “white whiskey rusty nail”: death’s door white whiskey and drambuie. I ordered the charcuterie plate (an assortment of 5 different items from the pig) and of course Tommy ate none of it because it wasn’t Jack in the Box. We asked Dex what his favorite drink on the menu was and he recommended the “pickle back” : a shot of Jameson with a chaser shot of pickle brine. I am usually unable to stomach any brown liquor unless it’s Malibu (is that even brown?) or Captain Morgan so I was a little nervous about losing my cool in front of Dex. It was remarkably good! I might have to start carrying a flask of pickle juice around.
After we had caught up on about 50% of our gossip we moved over to Bareback where Joe met us for a drink also. It’s good to be back and catch up with everyone.
Today was pretty much like the last day of school in elementary school where all you do is fuck around and eat pizza and cake. Being that we are adults, we added champagne and wine to the mix. The morning show Live with Lauren was fun, we had some good laughs, she kicked my ass in arm wrestling, we had Phoenix Marie, Brooke Banner and Monique Alexander in there on the Hula Chair, we ate red velvet cake and Sandee showed a bunch of fun pictures from the last few years.
It is going to be weird not coming to the office anymore…the same routine year after year. Some of the employees that have been there for a long time were upset about me leaving, but everyone understood that I have to do what’s right for me. I hired a ton of the existing employees so naturally it was an emotional day for me and them. I went to lunch with Baker, Joe and Tommy and right after work we went to happy hour at Bareback grill. A lot of people showed up and it made me feel really warm and fuzzy inside. The people that I would have expected to show up and didn’t… well I guess it just shows how little they cared about me in the first place. Moving on with my life I mean at least send a text and say that you couldn’t make it. Fuckers.
Bobby Fairfield who looks just like Kevin Bacon to me! He wore the shirt I bought him for my last day at work. Awww!
Not only did my co-workers come to send me off properly, a few ex-coworkers and several of my “civilian” friends came downtown.
Even some dogs showed up in my honor!
Kali getting tanked on hefeweizen
Oh boy you can see me getting progressively more intoxicated.
Um awkward.
And this is my favorite photo of the night! HAHA!
It was only 10pm and I was pretty much done. I was tired, had been drinking all day and I didn’t have the energy to say goodbye to each person. It would have taken me an hour to accomplish that and I most definitely would have started crying. I snuck out and walked home and crawled into my bed.
Lisa Ann was in the office today for a meeting and Nikki Benz and Puma Swede were scheduled for webcam. We had coordinated the whole thing so that the three of them and Lauren and I could go tear up San Diego after their day was over. They all stayed at the Se Hotel (the place is sexy and fun despite that Sunday morning that the bartender pissed me off so bad.) After work while Nikki and Puma were still stuck doing their live shows, Lisa Ann, Lauren, Baker and Erin met up at Bareback for happy hour. Lisa’s friend Joy was also in town and her other friend John who is a sommelier for a vineyard in Northern CA. I am such a dickhead that I lost his card in the last 5 days. I will have to get his info from Lisa Ann because he invited me to a really cool event in Sacramento and I need to see my friends that live up there anyways….
Here is Lisa Ann posing with a famous downtown character that we affectionately call “The Chief.” He was actually on my Twitter/Photo/Scavenger Hunt list last year on my birthday. He appears to be Native American Indian and he never wears a shirt, no matter what time of the year it is. Tonight he was sporting the Mexican wrestling mask. This is a new look for him. Perhaps he had a zit he was trying to hide.
Ok so happy hour turned into sushi at Taka… we were so hungry and buzzed that I totally forgot to take pics of the food. But it doesn’t really matter because I eat there like every 3 weeks now and order the same fucking thing. Uni, Special Battera roll, Special Eel roll, toro… etc… I would love to know what is so funny is this picture.
I also would love to know what she is sassing Baker about. Again, Baker proclaimed that this was one of the best meals of his life. I am proud to say that I am truly teaching this heathen how to live. He had never had toro before. I am happy to be responsible for this.
Joy
…and then we trekked over to the Se to meet up with The Swenz. You can sound it out and figure out with minimal effort that that is Swede and Benz. When they are out together causing havoc you have Swenz.
It’s amazing how tall she really is. Baker is almost 6 foot 6.
They are only mildly harassing me at this point in the evening.
And here still yet, it’s fun to be around them. In fact, I invited Nikki to sit on my lap for a funny picture as if she is giving me a lap dance. Lisa Ann is always behaved and dignified.
Where the hell was Lauren ?
This guy was awesome. He was a Borat sort of looking character… we thought he was a mime because he was dancing around and not speaking. It was bizarre. I will have a gram of whatever he is having please!
James and Lauren
Swenz is still relatively behaved.
And then a little rougher. You should see the shit on their cameras. I am fighting with all of my might to keep my shirt on. Explain to me why I hang out with them? They had a $100 bet with someone that they could lick my nipple. Hahaha!
Swedish Fish, of course.
Puma makes the most awesome faces! Love it
And this photo is in honor of my niece who went to the hospital once when she was 5 for sticking a bean up her nose.
Baker was too drunk to drive so we took a cab back to my loft and I made him stay the night on the sofa. We cranked the music for a while (neighbors are still gone!) and in the morning he woke up utterly confused and told someone later that he thought he woke up at Target. I laughed all day when I heard that one. My loft is like Target and Michaels on mushrooms.
I had dinner at Taka Sushi with 714 who is moving to 619 in a few weeks. I have known this guy for many years and hadn’t seen him in a while so it was nice to catch up with him and of course with dinner came lots of sake and turned into a pub crawl. Star Bar, Bareback and what night wouldn’t be complete without a stop at the Chee-Chee. I know the bartender Jessica at the Chee-Chee and every time I go in there now she introduces me to one of my new neighbors. Jessica used to work for Naughty America and I ran into her a few months ago in North Park and she is now my neighborhood bartender. It’s quite a co-ink-ee-dink. I went into work late on Wednesday and I am so ticked off that I missed the 5.9 earthquake! Sandee brought me a plate of leftover pork from her Christmas dinner. I can never get enough pig in my life.
After work I met Jarin and Dusty at the Star Bar (yes, again). I always laugh when I go in there and see the bottles with Sharpie prices on them. Notice how cheap they are!
In other news…. I am beyond excited about the resurrection of our gay porn site Suite 703 in a few weeks. We have been working furiously on getting it back up and running and we are so close to the relaunch. I absolutely love love love watching gay porn, and I get all tingly down there when I see two hot guys making out and going at it. There is a project within this project which is FORCING me to hang out in Hillcrest and bar hop and try to find the right person for the job we are creating. I can’t get into details just yet, but it’s going to be awesome and Tommy and I have been spending an enormous amount of time together working on it. I can’t believe I get paid to do this job sometimes.
On Wednesday evening we hit Fiesta Cantina, Urban Mo’s and Bourbon Street. We have a lot of leads of potential people but nothing concrete yet. The only thing that is concrete is the feeling of getting hit in the head with concrete when I woke up after drinking on a school night. UGH. 2 nights in a row and now New Year’s Eve/Day is coming up. oh boy.
I woke up today with a mild case of heartburn and I was cursing the Lord himself before my feet even hit the ground. Why in holy hell would I get heartburn for the first time in easily 10 months on the morning of the most important food and alcohol ingesting day of the year?? Why do you hate me God? Why? Is it because I produce porn for a living? I know I cut a deal with the devil and that is why I look young for my age, but really? Heartburn on the morning of the food and wine festival? I swear I will never ask for anything ever again.
And with just three tums, my religious spat was over My faith had been restored.
The guys were installing the TVs at my place and being super duper loud with the saws and the drilling and the white dust flying. HAHA! Yes, I am renting. Oh well, the magic of drywall. I am hoping to have the shit working so I can lay on the sofa with Chris and watch the entire season of Top Chef tomorrow. I know, its tragic that I have only seen the first episode of this most recent season. I don’t even want to talk about this. And please, no one tell me who wins. Not that I will even know who you are talking about at this point.
We arrived at the festival late for the early admission. Something else I don’t want to talk about. Grabbed our tacky plastic Union Bank plates (Sean, you are so dumb for fighting me on the plate all day… ) and our Viejas wine glasses and off we went.
The first things were rather disappointing. I spit the first thing out of my mouth because it literally tasted like a Milk-Bone dog biscuit. Of course I know what those taste like. Duh. I would never have fed my dog something without trying it first. She was a foodie, too, she just couldn’t communicate it to me.
The highlights of the day I can tell you were the following:
The lambchop (shit, it’s been a week and a half and I forgot where this was from! oops)
The uni custard puff from Brasserie !! (don’t know what “uni” is? look it up lol)
The amazing bacon and shrimp Gourmet taco from Rubios of all places! I can’t even believe that I never thought to put bacon in a taco. Duh!
(also the raw scallop… very very brave)
The LTP award went to the Westgate Hotel’s dessert… a cheescake type thing with a caramel pomegranate sauce. I don’t like pomegranates nor do I like the restaurant inside the hotel called Fontainebleau … but guess what? I licked this plate clean. As you can see I am not the only one who fell in love.
There were tons of edible things but nothing truly amazing jumped out at me. It is difficult to pull off a massive amount of something very small in a timely manner. Most places were either too ambitious for the event or not ambitious enough. I know that might not make sense, but this event is getting bigger and bigger every year, so with little of no experience you might just fail. The mini cupcake people have no excuse for failing. How can you fuck up a cupcake the size of a donut hole? Jesus, its only that big, you better make it moist. Sheesh… I just get so bummed out when I gleefully put the red velvet near my mouth and I end up with dry ickyness.
We stumbled back to my place and Sean and Michelle decided they were hungry and wanted to get Mexican food! Whaaat? We engaged in some ping-pong, had several rounds of visitors, tried on wedding dresses, ordered pizza to be delivered from DIRECTLY across the street, and finally went bar hopping to the Chee-Chee, The Local and Bareback. Jarin walked me home at the end of the night because I was speaking in tongues.
Today is the day that my father died 16 years ago. When we were doing something particularly enriching or fun he would say “I wonder what the poor people are doing?”
I was doing really well with my diet all winter and spring last year, but pretty much gave up when I had a hernia operation in June. My birthday weekend was no help (bacon wrapped everything: another day when I have nothing to talk about it I will tell you about “Top Chef: Laura’s Last Supper Edition”) and then summer just turned into a bunch of traveling, eating and no gym time. Anyways, today I pulled up a skirt over my fat ass that hasn’t fit in weeks. As it turns out, if you drink for 3 days and don’t eat, you lose weight! I looked very professional for debate day and headed to the office to watch 5 hopeful candidates battle it out for the honor of being elected The President of Naughty America. The debate went well, they all handled themselves professionally and answered the unexpected and oftentimes awkward questions. We went to Bareback Grill for lunch and I ordered the delicious Meso Tasty chicken sandwich and of course the crack-like french fries that they cook with a sweet sugary finish. I worked til almost 10:30 pm and went home and attempted to sleep. The last time I looked at the clock it was 1:30 am
On Tuesday my realtor called and told me that the bank approved my short sale on my home and that I had to be out by the end of the month. I have no place to move to and I have not started packing. This is where I start beating myself up for accomplishing absolutely nothing all weekend. Are you kidding me??? I am scheduled to go home for my reunion on the 24th, so this means I have to be out by the 23rd! BWAHAHAHAHA! This is unreal! I have a 1700 square foot house FULL of crap. I have made this decision to simplify my life knowing that I will be selling and/or donating most of what I own, however, I am 10000% unprepared to have this happen in the next 27 days. Holy shit. Ladies and gentlemen, this was not the plan. I worked late and then went home and popped an ambien. I got them a long time ago from a friend who works nights and I thought I would try one to help with my insomnia. Bad idea.
On Wednesday I woke up looped as all hell. Thats the last time I try that crap! I felt hungover until about noon… it was awful. At least if I feel like that in the morning, I better have had some fun the night before. I tried not to panic all day about my house and the mess I have to deal with. I made it to the gym tonight for the first time in weeks, and it felt great. I also went to a meeting of people in the adult business that gets together every Wednesday… I am in search of a co-host for our morning show and wanted to get the word out to anyone who might be interested. I managed to talk a girl out of a career in porn…. she said she wanted to disguise herself if she did it. A wig, some makeup and maybe have the camera not near her face. Umm, girlie, you might want to just consider escorting.
Here’s a funny story about a good friend of my bosses: I have a huge crush on him and we have flirted a lot in the past but the reality is we will never seal the deal. Not only does he like emaciated supermodel skinny Latina heroin addict looking girls, he is the best bud of my boss. If we ever got together it would be beyond awkward and I know they would sit around and talk about it like teenage school girls. So the friend needs a date to an event coming up and boss sent him the NOH8 photo of me saying “Hey, you should take this chick to your dance, she’s a friend of Dallas’s and I heard she’s great in bed!” Friend is like “Fuck yeah! Is she local!?” haha! Seriously… this has been going on in an email for days now… I can’t wait to hear the outcome of their dinner date tomorrow night. He is going to let it go as long as he can and then “read him the riot act” about how shallow he is. Funny stuff.
In other news, I splurged and bought myself an electric toothbrush. It’s awesome, you should get one!
How sweet. He went and got the stray beer pong ball out of the street.
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