Thursday June 10, 2010

I flew to Las Vegas this morning so I could be Lisa Ann’s “roadie” for the next 2 days. There is an unconventional convention going on by the pool at the Hard Rock Hotel where fans can mingle amongst their favorite porn stars from 11:00 am til 5:00pm. Normally a show like this is in a huge convention hall and the girls sign their 8×10s, pose for pictures and chit chat until the next guy in line gets antsy and wants his turn. This was completely different and a much more interactive way for the fans to hang out. Generally they don’t serve alcohol at the shows and all you do is walk from booth to booth. This one had a full bar, a performance by Too Short and a bikini contest! It was really cool and a brillliant idea and surprisingly none of the fans were out of control drunk or disrespectful…not that I saw.

To start the day like a proper “Bitch-For-The-Weekend” I bought Lisa Ann flowers at the airport and they classy-ly went straight into the Fiji bottle.

We dragged a bunch of merchandise to the cabanas by the pool (DVDs, 8×10s and a Polaroid camera) but it was so goddamn windy that we just left everything in the bags and Lisa ended up signing the things that fans brought on their own.

She did some interviews…

Lisa Ann and Sunny Leone…the sweetest girl in the business! I have known her for years and there is not a mean bone in her body. She is Indian and is absolutely stunning. I have a confession to make. About 6 years ago somehow our tongues ended up in each other’s mouths for approximately a millisecond before I freaked out. And that, my friends, is my one and only lesbian experience.

Wow. Brave guy.

I have no idea who this civilian is but she is gorgeous.

Too Short played a short set. (no pun intended, it was really quick)

Misty Anderson who took her heels off to make me look less like a midget.

If this isn’t fan interaction I don’t know what is!? Phoenix Marie loves her fans!

Monique Alexander, Kagney Linn Karter and Lexi Belle

Brynn Tyler who is absolutely hysterical. I forget how funny she is til I run into her every few months. She is threatening to move to San Diego in January

Brynn’s cute butt.

Brynn and Mia Lelani didn’t want to watch the bikini contest up front standing with their heels on so I made them their own little VIP section.

Here is an interesting conversation between Brynn and Mark about Mark’s ex gf Lia. Apparently Brynn and Lia worked together and Mark is harassing Brynn about it. (”worked together” means they had sex on camera together) Now…Mark has been in this business long enough to know the difference between on-camera sex and off-camera sex and still told me that he was discussing how Brynn and Lia “slept together.” What a dork. Unless they woke up spooning, it was work, Mark.

Anyways, it was fun to watch him try to block his face as he realized I was taking photos of him.

Bring Back the Whale!

No comment regarding the emcee of the bikini contest. At least he wore something other than that black tshirt, black sweat pants and house slippers. Jesus Ron, get it together.

The judges: Lisa, Kagney and Sunny

Little Lupe Fuentes who is small enough to be a Cirque du Soleil performer.

I know this looks like Lisa is grabbing her ass, but it’s just the way the shot was taken. In fact, I don’t even think that is Lisa’s hand. And it really looks like Lisa needs a stiff cocktail right about now.

Whenever I am at a bikini contest (I know this sounds funny, but I actually have been to about 5 or 6 of them over the years) I like to take a shot of the contestants from the back of the stage. There is this one photo I took in Ft Lauderdale of a bunch of butts in bikinis and they were all tan except one girl. About 6 months later I received a viral email WITH MY OWN PHOTO and the caption was “Which of these girls is from Minnesota?” It was pretty funny actually. I need to dig that up.

And the winner… of course…Little teeny tiny Lupe.

Look at these tramps running back to their booth with the VIP section.

Claudia-Marie’s giant boobs. She and her husband are swingers and he relentlessly tries to get me to “sleep with them.”

Crap I didn’t realize Lisa Ann was so tall.

Oh wait, nevermind, she is a midget just like me. I was complimenting Lexi Belle on her recent addition to her butt area and she attributed it to Newcastle and cheese. lol! I love her.

And I wouldn’t want to deny the ladies and the gay guys who read this…

These guys must be from Europe.

I was amazed at the amount of normal looking hot guys that were there! I mean, like no creepy trolly dudes really at all. Well maybe a few, but overall it was a good looking bunch.

This guy was so cute when he first came up to meet Lisa Ann he handed me his camera and asked me to take a picture and his hands were shaking so bad. It was adorable. I would totally bang this guy.

Lisa Ann and I are staying at Mandalay Bay (away from the porn nonsense) and we were so freaking hungry we went and pigged out at the buffet at 5:30pm. (haha early bird special for the senior ladies) I am fighting a head and chest cold so we called it a night and went to our rooms at 6:30 pm. That’s a first for Vegas. I woke up and caught some reruns of 30 Rock and The Office and then dozed off until about 1:00am when the heathens next door to me woke me up because of a fist fight/brawl. It didn’t last very long but I definitely heard a bunch of dudes screaming at each other “get off me” and then a girl screaming and some running down the halls and then a girl screaming someone’s first and last name repeatedly. I was about to call sakurity but it ended. Idiots. Control your liquor.

Saturday 2.20.2010

My friend needed to come over early on Saturday morning to try on suits for a job interview on Monday. It was merely a formality at her existing job so she didn’t want to spend any money on buying one. Last night we were discussing the logistics of it. She offered to bring coffee and we discussed the fact that it was entirely possible that there might be a few porn stars  in my loft. She wanted to make sure they were ok with babies since she would be showing up at 8 am to do this with her 9 month old. My text to her: 1 coffee=$4. Gas to get downtown=$3. Borrowing a suit=Free. 3 porn stars babysitting while trying on suits=priceless. (I don’t know… it was funny when I sent it. Not so much a few days later while I type this sober.)

The car ride to LA was fun. And by fun, I mean a total and complete nightmare. I was still drunk. Nikki had shoved the stuffed animal monkey that I carry around to take photos with down her pants so it looked like pink pubes sticking out.

The girls were playing a game called “Let’s make the most annoying sounds”. There was a shit load of traffic. I was thirsty. My head hurt. But every once in a while a good head banging song would come on and Nikki would go crazy. And we would laugh our asses off. You can hear Puma squeaking German sounds once in a while. Sounds a little like a sick kitten if you ask me.

I was dropped off at 818’s place and we literally just sat on his couch talking for 3 hours. It was awesome to chill out and do nothing. We didn’t even have the TV on. We were supposed to meet Jenn and the crew for her birthday at this Brazilian place called Bossa Nova on Sunset, but apparently the shit show went on for too long today at Saddle Ranch and none of them could pull it together for dinner. Our options were go to her house and watch them attempt to order in and pray that it be edible…. or go to dinner just the two of us. We chose Crustacean in Beverly Hills.

Inside the place there is a fish tank under the floor. It’s pretty cool and definitely makes the time go by if you are unlucky and are waiting for a table.

The place was packed but somehow when I called 3 minutes before arrival that constituted a reservation of sorts and they seated us immediately. Maybe they recognized me because of my famous food blog. Bwhahahahaha! We started with the appetizer sampler. Clockwise from the left: open faced mini ahi tacos, egg roll shaped things filled with a creamy yummy goodness (I have no idea what the hell was in that), short ribs (nothing like Phil’s in SD, and a little dry), and minced shrimp puffs on a bamboo stick. (Which incidentally squirted and most definitely shot out and hit the man standing behind me.)

I had the Chilean Sea Bass with a ginger sauce (3 stars out of 5)

818 ordered the red snapper with a sun dried tomato Asian pesto sauce. (I wasn’t a fan of his and he wasn’t a fan of mine. It worked out nicely)

Kieran Lee and Puma Swede molesting my pink monkey at Happy Ending in Hollywood.

A very cool shot of Puma in front of the wheel of drink specials. I am kind of in love with this photo.

Oh shit my worlds are colliding… I have straight and gay porn stars in the same venue. Puma, Trevor Knight and Jen with one N.

Tommy watch out for her. I know Trevor thought she was legitimately was a tranny. Lol.

Add Jayden Grey to the mix.

And add yet another porn star, a girl I have known forever named Misty Anderson! It was very strange randomly running into her and her ex, Gunner. They hung out with us all night. I am quite sure they were confused when an entire entourage of gay men walked into the straight bar and attacked me and 818. Anyways, Misty’s boobs are amazing. And no, she is not really that tall. I am just trying to get closer to her tits.

She is gorgeous, sweet, all natural and a country girl who rides horses. What is not to love about her?

HAHA! I am so mesmerized by these things. I think every bar needs one.

I didn’t get any photos of the physical abuse I endured tonight from Swenz. At one point, I was seriously exhausted from defending myself. It is funny for the first 10 minutes, but I was really just tired. They had worn me out. I went to the bathroom to escape them and they left the bar knowing I was over it. Good. Maybe they will chill out next time I see them. geeeez.

Half of our crew ditched Jenn to go to Here Lounge down the street. Jonathan, 818 and I decided to stick by Jenn and hang out with her. She merely requested ONE night to stay away from the gay bars. We had to honor her birthday request.

It was fun and not as annoying as I thought it would be. Maybe because I was a little tipsy. Tipsy enough for road head on the way home. (**wink**)