Tuesday August 17, 2010

After I went to yoga (without Rich) he and I ate some lousy food at a crappy little cafe inside Luxor and headed over to the tradeshow to say hi to Chris and Cari. The show is pretty overwhelming and a little frustrating being that you can’t actually buy anything.

Some of the booths were simple, some were quirky like this trailer and the Jessica Simpson booth was both awesome and ridiculous. It was set up like a department store and of course had about 58 giant posters of her all over the place.

We headed over to Mandalay Bay but realized that our badges didn’t get us into the super cool hip hop part of the show so we opted to go back to the pool at Luxor. On the way back through the mall I just had to stop and take a photo of this hideous model. What marketing genius chose this photo?

Another bizarre marketing ploy to get us to buy some lotion. Who buys boob cream? “Oh hey, come over here and let me give you a sample of our new testicle cream! Yes, sir, drop your pants and I will show you how supple it will make your balls feel.” Now THAT is a job I would consider taking.

Funny story:

I have this friend name Eric who everyone calls “Big E.” (Who also reads this blog everyday. Hi Eric. Please don’t take offense to this story.) One day a few years ago my friends Chad and Tiffany had met him at a party and were asking me the next day who he was, how did we all know him, blah blah blah. He’s an old friend of mine from the business…I think I probably met him in 2002. He also happens to be good childhood friends with Joe from back in Seattle. Small world! Anyways the conversation went like this:

Chad: “Yeah we met a guy named Eric last night. We were at his house after the party…why does everyone call him “Big E?”

Me: “That’s a good question…I mean he’s built. He’s a big dude, but I don’t know how he got the name. I honestly don’t know if it was something that was given to him when he was a kid or not. I doubt he started working out and decided to call himself “Big E.” That would be like me just one day looking myself in the mirror and going ‘Hey I think I am going to start calling myself Sexy L.”

And without hesitation Michelle screamed “Hahahahah NICKNAME FOR LIFE!” For the next several months no one would let this fucking name go. Someone changed my email address at work. Chris named my computer network and my laptop this name. I would get up to use the restroom at a restaurant and they would get the waitress in on it. Lauren would start calling me that on her morning show when we were live and the fans at NA would go nuts when I would start punching her. I mean, it is so ridiculously stupid to make up your own nickname and especially one as dumb as that. (So Eric, if you did in fact make up that name for yourself, I apologize for talking shit. haha!) It drove me fucking insane and the more pissed I got the more they did it. It finally died down after I stopped caring. So without further commentary…this is my new henna tattoo that lasted 2 days. Not 3 weeks like they promised.

I didn’t want to pay double for the capital L so she tried to flip the S but now this looks like “Sexy 6″

And because it is really just a freaking joke and I don’t really care what it looked like I had her take the brush and just paint the L like this. So ghetto. I am very glad that it didn’t last. I mean, I wasn’t planning on being naked and in the doggie position anytime soon, but ya never know.

The clouds were creeping in and we didn’t want to be shitfaced drunk again tonight so Rich and I went upstairs to get ready for dinner.

Dinner tonight was at my favorite steakhouse Cut! The Palazzo is now doing a cool atrium display like Bellagio does with the big flowers and stuff.

Two of my favorite mos!

We were so hungry that everyone dug in before I had a chance to remember to take photos. This white corn salad was amazing! I never thought I would get so excited about a salad, but this is definitely on my list of “must-haves” when I go to Cut again. The giant onions were a bit much, but you can pick around them.

Ahhhh BONE MARROW FLAN… we also ordered the kobe beef sashimi of course, but no pictures. No reason to photograph something over and over again.

I love hanging out with Carilyn. She is so fun. Especially when she tells stories about how she allows her kids to believe that there is a leprechaun living in their house.

Another stupid marketing person. Why wouldn’t they just feed his ego more and literally make the image of him actually lifesize? Now people like us are just going to stand next to it and make fun of him for being a midget. I used to have a huge crush on him but now I think he’s just too douchey. I mean come on. Stop trying so hard.

We went into Cathouse (nice website, they have been open for several years lol)  for a drink but the music was god awful and we didn’t stay very long.

I think Carilyn’s bf is a bit shy so I am not going to call him out on this blog. But he is really hot and very sweet.

Carilyn also appears to be a 2 Beer Queer like myself.

Fun in the photo booth. I woke up the next morning and saw the ones I took showing my tits. Oh that’s nice. Those aren’t staying on the fridge when family comes over.

Rich and I stumbled back to the room playing a fun game of “Shadowing” where you casually walk up right next to someone and act like you are looking at something off in the distance but you stay very very close to them. Like shoulder to shoulder. If they drop back, you drop back. If they speed up, you speed up. It’s highly entertaining and a great way to piss people off at 2am. (I would like to thank Mike for making this game up in Hawaii in 2002 on the beach with people running by us. He would jump up from the towel and chase them and get real close to them. He even did it in the water with this little Japanese boy while his parents sat on the beach laughing at him. Big laughs for everyone…except the little kid.) “Shadowing” is best done in Las Vegas after many cocktails on the casino floor because you can switch directions on a hairpin turn and your friends can sit by at a slot machine watching. It’s really really really fun.

Monday 3.8.2010 and Tuesday 3.9.2010

I had to go to the office and finishing cleaning out my crap before my 12 pm flight. I got frustrated with the amount of paperwork that I had let pile up for years so I just brought everything home and will weed through it later. Ugh. That’s a rainy day activity.

On to more important things! Vegas! The Romero’s had rooms booked at Encore (sister hotel to the Wynn) but evidently the hotel fucked things up in a huge way and weren’t honoring the bookings at the rate promised DESPITE the confirmation codes that had been given. After arguing for no less that an hour and speaking to several levels of management we were all given keys to the suites at the Wynn for the price promised. Sitting in the hotel lobby for close to 2 hours watching Robert fight with these A-holes is NOT the way to live. Andrea said to me “I have a very long fuse and I am getting pissed. Laura, I know you have a short fuse so I want you to know that I understand what you are going through right now.” (Is it that apparent that I have a short fuse?)

The Wynn really is a gorgeous hotel… Encore is just as nice. What Wynn has going for it is 3 amazing restaurants though. (Daniel Boulud, Alex and Bartolotta) What I love most about Vegas is that there are so many fantastic high end celebrity owned restaurants on the Strip.

For dinner we went to Cut. I know, I know, you are shocked that I ordered the bone marrow flan and kobe beef sashimi. And a black and blue American Wagyu steak. (Creature of habit when it comes to some things) Dinner was awesome as usual, too bad half of the people in our party were too drunk to appreciate it or even sit still during dinner. Oh well. More raw beef for me.

In honor of the Chinese Year of the Tiger the Palazzo has their lobby decorated.

This hotel is really spectacular. I think it might be my favorite on the Strip.

Robert, Jen and Lee-Ann. (Both of these lovely ladies work at the Tivoli so you should stop by there and tip them well)

Andrea also works there and this is her hot friend whose name is totally escaping me right now. I think it is Kyle. He works at The Shack in La Jolla. Let me remind you that I drink a lot and hanging out with bartenders is ROUGH. I pussed out and went to bed at 1:30 am! ME! In Vegas and asleep before 4am? Whaaaat?

I slept in on Tuesday, worked out, ate a little, and went to the Bellagio in hopes of seeing whatever their new Conservatory exhibit was to find the damn thing under construction. I always make a trip over here to see what they have going on but apparently I missed the Chinese New Year one by a few days.

I really didn’t even know what to do with myself today. This is probably the first time (ever?) that I have come to this town without any obligations other than dinner reservations both nights. I am usually coordinating meetings, conventions, and trying to make sure a half dozen co-workers are fed, bathed and where they are supposed to be. If I am not in Vegas for a porn convention I am here for a friend/family birthday and am usually blind drunk by 4 pm and don’t give a shit about anything. Here I was, sober, feeling energized from going to bed early and working out and I decided to hit the sauna and the steam bath. (You know how I feel about the spa… not a chance I am getting in that public heated cesspool) The sauna was great until my head almost exploded and then when I went to enter the steam bath it was really really steamy and I literally couldn’t see one inch past my nose so I freaked out and shut the door. I did this three times. I wasn’t really in the mood to accidentally sit on some old lady in there so that was the end of my day at the spa. I really need to relax.

Dinner was at Daniel Boulud’s and I was meeting Ava Devine! We have known each other for years, since the first time I shot her in 2003 or 2004. I was literally the camera operator/director on that shoot, so that tells you how long ago it was. There are a few people in the business that I truly consider friends and want to stay in touch with and she is one of them. AND she was on her best behavior tonight Well, compared to Puma Swede and Nikki Benz, she was on her best behavior and there was minimal squirming on my end.

Oh Michael you perv.

Seared foie gras (4 out of 5 stars… my friend Chris’s is actually better! I swear to you!)

Short ribs (the house specialty) (eh…. 2 out of 5 stars. They were tender, but the flavor was average.) Oh and why the fuck am I ordering RIBS at a French restaurant anyways? Someone slap me.

Apple tartin. (I can’t really rate this because I had one bite, passed it around the table, answered a text message and when I looked up the goddamn thing was gone. So much for no one else wanting dessert.)

We had an early dinner and the girls wanted to head up to the room to get cleaned up and so they could put their tiny dresses on that they will pull and tug on all night. Michael and I went to Bartolotta’s for a glass of wine. What a fucking idiot I am for not choosing this place for dinner. What was I thinking? Seriously. Slap me again. You might remember the cooking class I took last November taught by Paul himself. Here is his assortment of fish for today. I suck. Remember he flies his fish in from the Mediterranean every single day? Fail.

I have been going to “The Tiv” since probably 1994 and am definitely closest to Michael on the far right, but I love Robert and Roy just as much. Thanks for the invite this week even though you stuck me with the dinner bill at Boulud’s. HAHA! Don’t worry I will get it back now that I am unemployed and will be spending more time in your fine establishment here in the next few months. (jk…. well….not really)

You can’t tell that they are brothers or anything can you?

Michael and Andrea (my new BFF)

The trip was relaxing, mellow and just what I needed to kick start my new life. Now back to blogging and furthering my soul searching.

Friday 1.8.10

Let’s take a moment to acknowlege my niece Nikki’s  25th birthday as well as Elvis Presley’s.

Ok, let’s see… what happened today? Slept in, did some work in the room, ate a crappy snack before heading into the show, had a meeting at the circle bar, went to dinner, went to a club, went back to circle bar, went to bed late and had crazy sex. That’s about it! I hope you enjoyed my blog.

Just kidding.

I would love to know what device erases my past in minutes?

Here is Pat jamming his finger into the various types of Fleshlights. I hear these things are absolutely amazing… I bought one for 917 over the summer and he said it was awesome. We talked on the phone while he used it. (Damn! Another thing I forgot to mention that I finally tried last year… phone sex!) They come in mouths, buttholes and vaginas and have different textures in the chambers. If I had a genie show up right now and grant me one wish it would be to have a penis for a week. I thought about having one for a day, but someone convinced me that I needed a full week to fully appreciate what goes on and to experience all of the tricks it does.

This is a man I think. Pat refused to take a photo with it. In fact, he wouldn’t even look at it.

I didn’t take a lot of photos at the show because most of the pics we got were of Pat with his camera. I have to tell you how convenient it is knowing these models so well, because when there is a huge ass line we simply cut right to the front of it and get our autographs or photos or hugs. The fans get a little pissed when they are about to take a picture with their favorite porn star and Lauren and I stroll up and suddenly the model starts waving her hand frantically at us and giggling and smiling and looks away from their buddies cameras. At one point Boss Man Andreas decided that we HAD to wait in Phoenix Marie’s line and he refused to let us cut the line. 6 minutes. 8 minutes. 10 minutes. Jesus this is annoying.

Anyways, after the show we went to Mario Battali’s Carnevino inside the Palazzo.  I had been here before in the Spring and bravely ordered the sweetbreads because I had never had them. Bad idea. So bad in fact that I barely touched them and the waitress was super awesome and she took them off the bill. I decided to give it a shot again with a giant party of 11.

Here we have the iberco jamon which has only been available in the US since 2007. It is truly amazing and if you ever get a chance you should definitely try it. They recommended eating it with the little bread and lard combo you see here, but I inhaled it by itself. Pig that is fed a controlled diet is like a little piece of heaven for me. Any swine that is deemed the most expensive ham in the world at approximately $52 a pound is definitely going in my gut at every opportunity. If you read that wiki page, you see that since 12/09 there has been an abundance of it in Spain because supply outweighed demand. They are now giving this shit away to Spaniards… crap I think it’s time to make a trip to Spain.

The most boring, dull, flavorless beef carpaccio I have ever tasted. I didn’t even finish it!

We had ordered a plate of things that swim for the table to share (what am I saying, everything that lands on that table throughout the night is for me to share). Some oysters, deep fried cod balls, and the best thing was the uni on the lower left side of the plate. I love me some uni. For those of you who read this every day, I apologize for linking to the uni again, I am just trying to make sure new readers are educated on this little treasure.

Pat specifically requested that we not eat at restaurants with seafood and what do they put on the top of his dish/salad? Small fish with the eyes still on.

I actually tried one of the smelt and it was pretty gross. 818 said that he would make it better for me one day. We’ll see about that ever entering my mouth again. Ew.

I actually did that thing again where I don’t order an entree, but just mooch off everyone else’s plates for the remainder of the meal.

Bison

Lamb

Steak I think … not sure about that big ass bone though lol

… AND FTW … a $90 bowl of al dente pasta with butter and white truffles that Lauren and I fought over. It was fucking mother fucking magical. I felt like I wanted everyone to leave the table and let me eat this deliciousness alone and not bother me so I wouldn’t be at all distracted while enjoying each and every bite. Words cannot describe.

There is Derek (formerly of Mr Skin, but now with Playboy) and his giant head with Lauren. Derek and I have known each other for years and have actually been to a lot of places around the world together. We have shared many good times, meals, drinks and have about 178 photos of us standing side by side in various poses trying to exhibit exactly how large his cranium is and how small mine is. I am actually a little bummed out that I didn’t get one of those this trip.

This is the funny stand up comic we went to see a while back named Justin Martindale… he’s a regular at the Comedy Store in LA on Friday and Saturday nights… hilarious! I want him to move into my house, or better yet, my purse so he can make me laugh allllll dayyyyyy long.

Baker and Bobby Fairfield

There goes Tommy again making a dumb face and ruining another photo opp. P.S. Remember that time you sent me a text at 4 am complaining that I never take pictures of you?

And I want to wrap up part #1 of Vegas Day 2 with this cup of caramel and cheescakey stuff inside. (man, I am really pissing off the legit food bloggers by my descriptions of things.. “stuff” “yumminess” hahaha!)

Thursday 1.7.10

I apologize for not blogging during the trip, but let’s not kid ourselves… each and every day is packed with meetings, parties, the show floor, lengthy dinners and hours on end at the casino bar. Which of course, turns into 5 am and then forces me to sleep til noon. Rough life.

Tommy and I arrived mid afternoon on Thursday and went to our respective rooms and did some work and waited for Lauren and my nephew Pat to show up. You might be wondering why on earth my nephew would be joining me at a porn convention…. well I will tell you! Because I am the devil! No seriously, I have 7 nieces and nephews ranging in age from 13 to 27. When they turn 21 they get a weekend away with Aunt Laura.  Most of them choose Las Vegas and most of them choose this particular weekend. My sisters pretty much hate me for this.

We were staying at the Palazzo, which is the sister hotel to the Venetian.

Tommy had a room reservation issue so he ended up at the Venetian…it was so funny when he called to tell me that he thought they had a mix up and gave him too big of a room by accident. The basic room is a suite with a sunken living room and a huge couch, a desk and a dining table. It is seriously the nicest “basic” hotel room that I have ever stayed in. (well aside from the Burj Al Arab, but that’s another story altogether)

The four of us went to Morel’s French Steakhouse for dinner. I wasn’t about to order a steak at a French restaurant so I opted for a few appetizers.

Foie Gras (not bad)

Escargot (eh)

Steak tartare (very good! but not as good as the place I went to in NYC with 917)

For sides we shared mushrooms, mac-n-cheese, and artichoke hearts

After dinner we went to Rok inside of New York, New York to the Naughty America /Ron Jeremy party. I really have no idea what that means except the club promoters were borrowing both our names to get heads in the door. Naughty America only has one Ron Jeremy scene and that was simply for the novelty of it. No one really watches this guy to jerk off anymore, let’s be real.

Lauren had arranged a deal with the promoter that we would have our site logos playing on screens all night around the club so as we walked up I snapped a pic of the uber famous Lauren from Live with Lauren. hahahaa! love it

Once we got inside the logos were larger than life and were pretty awesome!

Thank you Pierre for all of your years working with us and getting us some awesome publicity! Love you!

Ok, now here is where things get awkward. You can’t really see but I am grabbing Ron Jeremy’s crotch in this photo. Apparently that was his cue to stick his tongue in my mouth. Umm, yeah I am all set with that buddy.

Ron on stage giving us props…

Later that night, Tommy and I expressing our love to each other

And yet even later, at the Circle Bar at the Venetian, Tory Lane and Carly Parker showed up to give Pat some love.

We stumbled to bed around 3 or 4 am I think… I dunno. I was just happy that 818 was in town