Sunday June 13, 2010

The woman who checked me in at the SWA counter in Vegas mixed up my bag with someone else’s so when I arrived in San Diego my name and UPC label thingy were on someone else’s luggage. This means that my luggage is on it’s way to God knows where. Lovely. And I love how they stare at me asking if I am positive this is not my bag. Yeah, lady I know what my bag looks like. And no, no matter how many times you ask me, the answer will still be “NO. That is not my bag” Oh ok, you don’t believe me. Let’s open it and examine the men’s size 14 shoes in there. Nope. Those are not mine. Are you happy now? They ended up locating it pretty quickly, it was in Orange County but I definitely feel bad for the kid whose bag I had because there was no name tag on it. Lesson learned folks… always put a name tag on your luggage.

It was a chill Sunday afternoon in the backyard… just hanging out with some friends, dogs, birds and snakes. This is Gnarly…you remember he was the one on the Newcastle site?

His acting career has gotten to his head a little. Always wanting to be carried and shit. Give me a break dude.

He’s learning new tricks too.

well sort of

If I were to come back as a bird in another life I would not want to be a hummingbird. I mean good grief talk about hyperactive. Their poor little hearts must just race and race.

It’s a corn snake. I didn’t catch his name.

Lauren and Becky

Ok this is a little weird. I saw this “doll” in Erin’s bed. Apparently she has been sleeping with this troll since she was a little girl. I guess she gave it a haircut once thinking the hair would grow back.

So now it wears a wig.

I mean, I really just don’t even know what to say. It’s name is Olby? Or something.

Just an FYI Erin is a single mom and very much on the market for dating. IF you don’t mind sharing the bed with this doll of hers.

This is Erin’s kid Jaeda doing her impression of Bon Qui Qui rapping on helium.

Here is the actual clip from Mad TV of Bon Qui Qui … if you have never seen this omg. It’s amazing. They have disabled the embed code so click it and watch and die laughing. I dare you not to laugh.

I met up with Moe and Claw to catch the end of the Lakers/Celtics game and because Claw just moved in down the street from me. This is Claw’s dog Bailey. I just realized that he and his old roommate have 4 female German dogs between the two of them. A Daschund, Rottweiler, Doberman and a Schnauzer. Unreal that they all get along. Not because Germans are jerks, but because they are all female.

After the game ended we walked over to Proper Gastropub so I could give the mussels another shot. They were warm this time. But they still were nothing special. I mean I inhaled them all pretty quickly and this time I could taste the bacon in the sauce, but would I go back for them? No. Would I go back during a baseball game to Proper? Sure. The place was empty and we were saddened at how lame downtown San Diego is in the middle of the summer on a Sunday night. It’s a bad location with no foot traffic so I hope they survive the storm when it’s not baseball season.

We stopped at El Vitral for a shot of tequila. Ya know since I am a tequila afficionado now lol.

Honestly there was this kind that I drank on Cinco de Kimbo/Kimbo de Mayo at El Camino that I really enjoyed (at 14 bucks a shot, it better fucking be smooth) and I still have no idea what the name is. I dragged the boys into the bar because I saw the giant bottle in the window.

It’s pretty effective marketing if you ask me because now I got the two of them hooked on it. It’s a sipping tequila and served in a brandy snifter.  It’s dark like brandy and burns your nose hairs just like it too. So smooth and you really don’t even need a chaser at all.

Our last stop was at Basic and I am utterly amused by the set up in the bathroom. Either the staff is so fucking lazy that they refuse to check on the restrooms through out the night, or the bar is too cheap to hire a Mexican woman to work the bathroom during busy nights. I don’t know if it’s just a socal thing or not… I don’t recall seeing it elsewhere really. A woman parks herself in the ladies bathroom for the evening with anything and everything you can imagine at your disposal. Gum, mints, chocolates, hairspray, every flavor of body spray known to mankind, condoms, lip gloss, and of course she squirts soap in your hand and gives you a paper towel. You are supposed to tip her when you are done using all of the stuff. Does this happen all over the country? I am curious.

Friday May 21, 2010

I got my hair did by Becky at Salon Bordeaux and she did that straightening thing again that everyone loves. I think she’s convinced me to do what’s called the Brazilian BlowOut where they put this protein keratin shit in your hair and it somehow magically makes your hair straight for several months. I will give it a shot since I cannot for the life of me get this flat iron thing down.

Off to The Local for happy hour and Michael’s 21st birthday celebration! Actually I am lying he is not 21, he turned 40 but doesn’t look a day over 30. He was smart and used lotion on his face in his 20′s and you would never know he was the age he is. Tommy and I suprised him with Trevor Knight and Drew Cutler but he was not having it. Much like when my friends made Charles Dera come to my birthday party in LA in 2006 to strip for me and I locked myself in the bathroom because I was too embarassed. Michael didn’t lock himself in the bathroom but he was mortified. It’s funny when you meet your celebrity/porn crush and you are too nervous to even deal. I finally got over my issue with Charles Dera and now we are actually friends. I was just texting him the other day to say hi because I remembered that he was on an episode of SNL where he comes in as a male stripper for Alec Baldwin when his co-workers think he’s gay. Anyways back to happy hour…

Mike, Dusty, Michael and his roommate.

Chris and me in case you don’t recognize me with my fabulous hair.

Trevor, Drew and Tommy

Tommy, Drew, Trevor and his new boy toy Dave all went to Celadon in Hillcrest for dinner. I ordered the pineapple fried rice which was delicious and perhaps because of the sake shots I forgot to take the leftovers home. I hope the boys grabbed them.

Tommy rearranging the place.

And then Jessica and her bf Blaine picked me up because they were staying at the Marriott downtown for a wedding this weekend. We went to have a drink on the rooftop bar and I was dressed like a slob feeling like an idiot in a place where people were all dressed up. I was wearing this tshirt so I made sure to fully zip up my hoodie before Blaine’s parents came out to meet us. Awkward! You can’t take me anywhere!

They were a a lot more but these were the best.

I feel slightly overwhelmed this week with too many social activities between now and when I leave town again. It’s all fun stuff, but I think I might have overbooked. I honestly have no idea how I had a life at all when I was working 60 hours a week for 6 years. crazy.

Friday May 14, 2010

I walked over to Joe and Vanessa’s apartment complex to lay by the pool for a little while (I have a key to their place) and there was this weirdo filming a couple macking on each other frollicking and whatnot. I was sitting there shoving my lunch in my mouth and the dude got me in one of his shots. I said “Umm, do you mind me asking what you are filming this for because I really don’t want to be in it. I don’t want to be in your little porno.” He was like “Oh no, don’t worry it’s a music video and I won’t use that shot if you don’t want to be in it.” yeaaaaahhhh righhhht buddy. A music video with that shitty little camera? ok. Trust me I know you are making porn because I used to do shit just like this all the time. I was just careful not to get random people in the shots.

I really do have too much time on my hands because this is what came of my day over there. I kidnapped Vanessa’s dog Kali and left a ransom note. I almost peed myself while I was doing this. I really do need to get back to work at some point.

She didn’t mind the blindfold so much.

But she definitely was not very happy about the gag. Alright PETA freaks, she was not harmed in any way! She still loves me

I went to Tivoli to take some shots of the bar for their new website. I need to be there right before a Padre’s game because the place is packed but then dragging a ladder out into the middle of the bar when it is full is a little awkward. Anyways I had a few glasses of wine and was waiting for Jason and Jarin to come down and was feeling really lightheaded and too drunk for my own good. I hadn’t eaten and the food at the Tivoli is soooo bad for you. It’s a Montreal theme which means poutine (french fries covered in gravy and cheese curd), hamburgers, hotdogs, etc… really bad for you crap. I was just telling the owners that they needed to add some salads to their menu and while they were at it put a big sign up by the menu with a cardiac specialist’s phone number. (On a side note, I have the # of a good Dr and am going in soon.) I know my sisters are reading this and are shaking their heads but I can tell you I have not eaten bacon since my brother’s heart attack and I swear to you on our dead parents that I have been eating healthy and working out! That being said… I ordered the hot dog with Canadian bacon on it and the poutine. I didn’t eat all of, I had help. I promise I just needed something in my stomach.

We walked over to the Local to meet Dusty and Larry, a guy who used to work for Naughty America who I haven’t seen since he left. (So we had 5 ex-employees at the bar. lol) It was nice to see Larry again! He came to my SNL party as Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.

I  love Bev and her boobs. She came to the 80′s party as Jessica Rabbit. One of these days I will post those pics and the video. That is the biggest slacker move I have ever pulled. Fuck… that party was in September!

I love that I am double fisting in this photo. I am going to assume that I am holding the drink of whoever is taking the photo.

I was home in bed by 11:30 pm. I really need to stay off Twitter when I have been drinking though.

Saturday May 8, 2010

Chelsea Handler was supposed to be signing books at a bookstore in La Jolla at 3pm and I was pretty excited to go meet her and tell her that we were soul mates. When I looked online to get directions they had switched the time to 5pm and I couldn’t go because I had dinner plans at 5:30 pm with some friends who were going to her show downtown at the Civic Theater. I was debating about going to the theater around the time the show would end to be first in line but figured I would bring the book out with me and make a game time decision.

Dinner was at Oceanaire with Chris, Rich, Dusty, Michelle, Sully and Erin. The main reason I was going was to order the caviar and they were out of it tonight. Apparently a huge party ordered all of it last night. I was pretty annoyed.  I settled on the crab cake appetizer which is one of their signature dishes and totally amazing with huge chunks of crabmeat…It’s served with an aoili sauce which was pretty bland, but the crab cakes were great on their own.

I opted for the prix fixe menu for $29 bucks (Laura on a budget changes from day to day, food item to food item!) New England clam chowder with tons of bacon in it: (here I have been trying to avoid bacon after my brother’s heart attack and they put in there without me even knowing!)

The others had ordered a bunch of oysters and the one I ate was utterly disgusting. It was way too fishy and left the worst after taste in my mouth. I don’t know what it was called, it was small and nasty.

I had the arctic char (I don’t even want to admit this but I had a brain fart and thought I was ordering a white fish and was shocked when salmon showed up. What an idiot!) Their fries need some truffle oil in my opinion. But then again I think everything needs truffle oil.

For dessert I had the blueberry cheesecake. Nothing special.

After dinner they all had to race off to the show and I met a very drunk and belligerent Mike from Tivoli at Red Pearl Kitchen with none other than the mom of Chloe the French Bulldog! No pics, they were a hot mess after an all day pubcrawl. I walked over to Quality Social to meet up with Danielle who was supposed to be working tonight. To my surprise she was sitting on the other side of the bar and had the night off! (Yes we had “pickle backs” and they were delicious) Danielle used to work at Naughty America but quit a few years back and we had drifted apart. It’s good to have her back in my life. As I get older and now that I have some free time I feel the need to connect with certain people. I was so busy for so long that I lost touch with a lot of special people in my life. I don’t want to get into the personal details of her life, I will just say that she had an experience about a year ago that made her reconnect with her Mom and it really made me happy to hear about it on the eve of Mother’s Day. Life is too short. If you don’t have a relationship with your parents, look inside of yourself and figure out why. See if you can’t be the bigger person and change that because they won’t always be around. Don’t put yourself in that position of regret and guilt.  

We walked over to the Local to meet up with the crew after Chelsea Handler’s show. It was more important for me to hang out with Danielle then to stand in line to meet Chelsea and I don’t regret it at all. All of my friends in the other circle call her Goldie Hawn

Chris and Dusty looking silly.

Danielle and I walked to La Puerta for one quick drink because she was supposed to meet up with some cute boy but since he wasn’t there we took off. I was asleep on the couch by 11:40 in the first segment of Betty White on Saturday Night Live. oops

Friday May 7, 2010

I went to Stephanie’s house this afternoon for a quick visit and to give her and her son some souvenirs that I brought back from Australia. This is Titus, he’s a 7 year old English Mastiff.

Stephanie and I lived together several times over the last 18 years. She was one of my very first friends that I met when I moved to San Diego in 1992. We used to work together at Fox Photo in Clairemont and I have to say she is responsible for sending me down that path of let’s just say “no good.” She took me to a rave called Barbarella down by the border of Mexico one time in the early 90′s and left me alone for 30 minutes and was astonished that when she came back I had taken ecstasy and was sucking on a nitrous balloon. Well what the fuck did you think was going to happen? I was so confused as to why this party started at midnight and why there was no keg. This is back in the days that you could buy ecstasy in bars in Texas and when giant raves were popping up all over Southern California with hundreds of underage kids dressed in neon sucking on pacifiers. Ahhh those were the days! Anyways, she used to have 2 mastiffs but Summer died a few years ago so she only has Titus now. He is a real character (dumb as a box of rocks but sweet) and loooooves me. I got some ridiculously funny videos of him today.

Look at how small her 4 year old is compared to him!

They are working dogs after all.

Imagine living with not one but TWO of these drooling beasts. I swear to God, it was disgusting but I wouldn’t trade it in for the world. Living with my lab Sierra and her 2 mastiffs in a tiny little 2 bedroom bungalow was some of the funniest and most treasured times of my adult life. I have hundreds of photos of them being bad and I have a ton of video footage that I really should do something with. I basically videotaped everything around me for a year straight (I went so far as to setting up a video camera on the dash of my car and filmed myself driving and talking when I had something that I thought was interesting enough to talk about. We are talking about 60 hours of footage that I have narrowed down to 6 hours of hilarity. Some day! …and no I won’t show the embarassing stuff for those of you reading this and worrying that I am going to post shit of you. I would ask permission first )

I rallied the troops from Naughty America to come downstairs after work and join me for happy hour at Bareback. I am still friends with a bunch of people there and it was nice to see them all. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to hear some of them say that they missed me and my energy around the office.

Jack, Johnny, Jen and Ryan. (I was trying to get a photo of Johnny who I never realized was so fucking hot when I worked there. Jesus. Anyways, that little shit kept making these dumb faces. I am sure someone from the office who is reading this will show him and it will be wicked awkward the next time I see him, but who cares. He’s a babe. Too bad he has a girlfriend. And yeah, it appears as though I am developing a pattern with my taste in men. Wait who am I kidding, my taste in men is that they need to have a penis.)

Jennie and her awesome Mom Nancy who is visiting from Long Island. What a way to kick of Mother’s Day weekend at happy hour with your Mom! I’m so jealous! I would tell you to follow Jennie on Twitter but she’s lame and only authorizes people that she knows to follow her. It’s really a shame because she is funny as fuck.

I just love these photos of them… moments like this make me a little teary eyed about losing my Mom so young. I do have an evil stepmonster but haven’t spoken to her since my Dad’s funeral.

Nice face Ryan.

Jennie, Erin (who was nicely lit up like myself at this point) and Michael.

I think Michael was a little overwhelmed by the breasts in his face.

Damn you, Johnny, look hot will ya?

It would have been a great shot except for the shadow on her chin and neck. I doubt anyone will even notice it but it bugs me.

After happy hour which lasted way too long Erin and I walked over to the Chee Chee and had one beer before heading to my house. Her boyfriend Mike was on his way over with his Great Dane and German Sheperd! YAY! More dogs! I love a good dog party in my bed! Juno is the Sheperd (yes like the movie) and Brody is the Great Dane.

We were literally running back and forth in my loft and they got all tuckered out. Brody is super sweet and loving and Juno has a little bit of a chip on her shoulder.

We are far from done with this … I need him in the daylight to make it right.

Brody literally had me pinned to the ground and was licking my face. His giant lips were all over my face and I loved every minute of it.

When I woke up this morning I didn’t want to wash my face because I believe that Brody and I were destined to be together forever.

Tuesday April 27, 2010

I don’t mean I had the front desk call me and wake me up.

My brother had a heart attack this morning and had a stint put in. He’s in ICU at the moment and they are keeping him for a few more days, but he is doing ok. You see, we have a history of heart problems on both sides of our family. I used to have ridiculously high blood pressure (like 150/99 was the highest it ever got. I know… that’s crazy.) but I lost 20 pounds and started working out and have since gotten it under control. It’s normal now but I definitely need to watch what I eat and take better care of myself. I might want to ease up on the bacon intake, eh? Good thing I don’t smoke.

I heard this song the other day for the first time in forever and I love it… no relevance to anything, I just wanted to share it. Genesis, “Home by the Sea”

 The last few days I have been chipping away at editing the 3600 photographs from our trip to Australia and New Zealand and it’s so fun to relive it all over again. I have had several people tell me how inspired they were by my updates while we were away so I want to say thank you for thanking me. It was annoying as fuck having to sit in my hotel room and update it. The photos that you have seen here don’t even scratch the surface of what we saw and did, so I am diligently going through them and will be posting them on Pink Monkey Tour as soon as I get them narrowed down to a reasonable amount.

I had 2 meetings today with people that are going to help me with interwebs stuff. I have an addiction to buying domain names and I am trying to sort it all out and prioritize which sites to build first and what they need to look like. (reasontochewyourarmoff.com was definitely in that list and might be moving up to the #1 priority soon.) I forgot to eat dinner so the few glasses of wine I had kicked my ass and I was home in bed by 9pm.

It was a weird day. My mind is racing with “What’s Next?”, my own mortality hit me in the head like a piano falling out of the sky and I was generally just feeling bleah. Luckily I ran into a super cute French Bulldog named Chloe and she put a smile on my face. She belongs to a friend of Michael’s (Tivoli) and I got her info so I can stalk her and her dog downtown. I offered my dogsitting services…

I was waiting for her to so something funny but that didn’t happen so just enjoy her cute little face, and disregard the conversation they are having in the background about Mexican food.

Friday 2.19.2010

Lisa Ann was in the office today for a meeting and Nikki Benz and Puma Swede were scheduled for webcam. We had coordinated the whole thing so that the three of them and Lauren and I could go tear up San Diego after their day was over. They all stayed at the Se Hotel (the place is sexy and fun despite that Sunday morning that the bartender pissed me off so bad.) After work while Nikki and Puma were still stuck doing their live shows, Lisa Ann, Lauren, Baker and Erin met up at Bareback for happy hour. Lisa’s friend Joy was also in town and her other friend John who is a sommelier for a vineyard in Northern CA. I am such a dickhead that I lost his card in the last 5 days. I will have to get his info from Lisa Ann because he invited me to a really cool event in Sacramento and I need to see my friends that live up there anyways….

Here is Lisa Ann posing with a famous downtown character that we affectionately call “The Chief.” He was actually on my Twitter/Photo/Scavenger Hunt list last year on my birthday.  He appears to be Native American Indian and he never wears a shirt, no matter what time of the year it is. Tonight he was sporting the Mexican wrestling mask. This is a new look for him. Perhaps he had a zit he was trying to hide.

Ok so happy hour turned into sushi at Taka… we were so hungry and buzzed that I totally forgot to take pics of the food. But it doesn’t really matter because I eat there like every 3 weeks now and order the same fucking thing. Uni, Special Battera roll, Special Eel roll, toro… etc… I would love to know what is so funny is this picture.

I also would love to know what she is sassing Baker about. Again, Baker proclaimed that this was one of the best meals of his life. I am proud to say that I am truly teaching this heathen how to live. He had never had toro before. I am happy to be responsible for this.

Joy

…and then we trekked over to the Se to meet up with The Swenz. You can sound it out and figure out with minimal effort that that is Swede and Benz. When they are out together causing havoc you have Swenz.

It’s amazing how tall she really is. Baker is almost 6 foot 6.

They are only mildly harassing me at this point in the evening.

And here still yet, it’s fun to be around them. In fact, I invited Nikki to sit on my lap for a funny picture as if she is giving me a lap dance. Lisa Ann is always behaved and dignified.

Where the hell was Lauren ?

This guy was awesome. He was a Borat sort of looking character… we thought he was a mime because he was dancing around and not speaking. It was bizarre. I will have a gram of whatever he is having please!

James and Lauren

Swenz is still relatively behaved.

And then a little rougher. You should see the shit on their cameras. I am fighting with all of my might to keep my shirt on. Explain to me why I hang out with them? They had a $100 bet with someone that they could lick my nipple. Hahaha!

Swedish Fish, of course.

Puma makes the most awesome faces! Love it

And this photo is in honor of my niece who went to the hospital once when she was 5 for sticking a bean up her nose.

Baker was too drunk to drive so we took a cab back to my loft and I made him stay the night on the sofa. We cranked the music for a while (neighbors are still gone!) and in the morning he woke up utterly confused and told someone later that he thought he woke up at Target. I laughed all day when I heard that one. My loft is like Target and Michaels on mushrooms.