I went to yoga on Wednesday evening before heading to Bullhead City, AZ to see my family. I developed a wee crush on the instructor…he had amazing energy and a rocking body. I couldn’t decide whether to fixate on his abs or the unbelievable sunset during savasna. His name is Dray and he is probably the most motivating and helpful teacher I have had yet. Plus he touched me a lot. Hehehe. If you are in the Summerlin area and interested in Bikram yoga, you most definitely need to take his class.

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On a side note before I came here this week I googled “bikram yoga las vegas” and found this site: http://www.bikramyogalasvegas.com/. Sounds legit…I start searching for rates and class times and see “If you love Bikram you will love the Venus Beginner class.” Hmmmm. I call them up….

Imposter: “Thank you for calling Vegas Hot Yoga”

Me: “I am reading on your site that you offer a Venus class or something. Is this actually Bikram yoga?”

Imposter: “Well there are a lot of the same poses. It’s Bikram inspired and we ….”

Me: CLICK

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I arrived in Bullhead City at my sisters house around 11pm and waited for the rest of them to show up. It was about 199 degrees. Luckily their neighbor has a key and turned on the AC for us. We all settled into bed pretty early because we had a long day at the lake tomorrow. I got the twin bed with the Little Mermaid sheets. lol

We got a fairly early start and headed off to Lake Mohave, part of the Lake Mead National Recreational Area. Casey and Lola were ready to get their swim and their fetch on.

Casey is 13 years old and hasn’t been feeling that well lately. Cathy debated on whether to take her to the lake at all because she was in rough shape last week, but we told her that she would be ok and if she started to show signs of discomfort one of us would bring her home. She apparently freaks out at home if you leave her there because she knows that everyone is at the lake having fun without her.

It was hot and both dogs were having a blast running in and out of the water.

Her face looks so cute all smooshed up when she nibbles her legs.

We took the waverunners out for a few rides.

It’s not very easy to film another waverunner when you are on a waverunner going 50 mph. My niece Melissa was driving and I was in the middle and her friend Christina was on the back. I kept stressing at every fast turn that Christina had fallen off the back and then I would look to check and then tense up and almost lose my grip and fall off. It was fun, but Melissa is a bit too crazy of a driver for my old ass. (I know that’s ironic coming from someone who bungee jumps off bridges in New Zealand.)

We kept making the dogs get in the water as the temperature was approaching 110 degrees.

I love this video for some reason! She looks like those polar bears at the San Diego zoo.

Lola is definitely not the most graceful of dogs. She’s a bit of a spaz and doesn’t really understand the concept of “catch” yet. She’s sweet when you get to know her though. Err…I mean when she decides that she finally trusts you.

There’s pretty much two options here…sit in the shade or sit in the water.

I chose the water most of the day. I want to be sure that I absolutely look like Magda before this summer is over.

Blaine apparently eats shit all the time when he’s on the Sea Doo. Boys!

A wet towel helped the heat a little bit.

A quick afternoon nap in the blazing heat. I asked Cathy “So is this what you guys do every day??” I could get used to this for sure!

When we returned to the house the neighbor Connie had made some yummy pineapple Jell-O shots….

So here I am doing Jell-O shots with my underage niece Melissa and her friend Christina and my other niece Jessica.

Christina, Melissa and I hadn’t had enough of the sun so we went to the community pool.

Melissa discovered a weird trick at an early age (don’t ask  me how) that she can blow bubbles out of her eye sockets! Whaaaat? eww!

And to really gross you out here is a video of an underwater fart. Classy, Laura, real classy. This had already gotten like 50+ bunch of views on YouTube before I even posted this blog. Awkward.

Happy Birthday Blaine! We had some amazingly delicious food at the Harrah’s buffet. (Insert sarcasm font here)

In the morning I got up really early and headed back to Vegas for another round of yoga with Dray. When I got out of yoga class I saw a text from Melissa telling me that Casey was in rough shape and they were bringing her to the animal hospital to be put down. I started crying. I know it’s not my fault but I couldn’t help but feel guilty for talking Cathy into taking her to the lake when she didn’t want to. All I can say is that I am so so happy that Casey was able to spend her last day with her family doing exactly what she loved… swimming and playing in the water. They are all pretty devastated. Melissa is leaving for Spain for the next semester and is relieved that she was able to say goodbye. I received a text from Cathy a bit ago that said “Driving thru desert with frozen dog in a cooler. Is this my karma 4 making u take Scooby to be euthanized or has my life been reduced to a Nat’l Lampoon movie? lol” (Scooby was her other dog that I took to be put down 14+ years ago because Cathy couldn’t handle it.)

(On another sad note…Moe and Noel had to put Grizzy down last Friday. I am so happy that I was able to snap some photos of both Grizzy and Casey during their final days with us.)

Hug your pets today. Life is short.

After I went to yoga (without Rich) he and I ate some lousy food at a crappy little cafe inside Luxor and headed over to the tradeshow to say hi to Chris and Cari. The show is pretty overwhelming and a little frustrating being that you can’t actually buy anything.

Some of the booths were simple, some were quirky like this trailer and the Jessica Simpson booth was both awesome and ridiculous. It was set up like a department store and of course had about 58 giant posters of her all over the place.

We headed over to Mandalay Bay but realized that our badges didn’t get us into the super cool hip hop part of the show so we opted to go back to the pool at Luxor. On the way back through the mall I just had to stop and take a photo of this hideous model. What marketing genius chose this photo?

Another bizarre marketing ploy to get us to buy some lotion. Who buys boob cream? “Oh hey, come over here and let me give you a sample of our new testicle cream! Yes, sir, drop your pants and I will show you how supple it will make your balls feel.” Now THAT is a job I would consider taking.

Funny story:

I have this friend name Eric who everyone calls “Big E.” (Who also reads this blog everyday. Hi Eric. Please don’t take offense to this story.) One day a few years ago my friends Chad and Tiffany had met him at a party and were asking me the next day who he was, how did we all know him, blah blah blah. He’s an old friend of mine from the business…I think I probably met him in 2002. He also happens to be good childhood friends with Joe from back in Seattle. Small world! Anyways the conversation went like this:

Chad: “Yeah we met a guy named Eric last night. We were at his house after the party…why does everyone call him “Big E?”

Me: “That’s a good question…I mean he’s built. He’s a big dude, but I don’t know how he got the name. I honestly don’t know if it was something that was given to him when he was a kid or not. I doubt he started working out and decided to call himself “Big E.” That would be like me just one day looking myself in the mirror and going ‘Hey I think I am going to start calling myself Sexy L.”

And without hesitation Michelle screamed “Hahahahah NICKNAME FOR LIFE!” For the next several months no one would let this fucking name go. Someone changed my email address at work. Chris named my computer network and my laptop this name. I would get up to use the restroom at a restaurant and they would get the waitress in on it. Lauren would start calling me that on her morning show when we were live and the fans at NA would go nuts when I would start punching her. I mean, it is so ridiculously stupid to make up your own nickname and especially one as dumb as that. (So Eric, if you did in fact make up that name for yourself, I apologize for talking shit. haha!) It drove me fucking insane and the more pissed I got the more they did it. It finally died down after I stopped caring. So without further commentary…this is my new henna tattoo that lasted 2 days. Not 3 weeks like they promised.

I didn’t want to pay double for the capital L so she tried to flip the S but now this looks like “Sexy 6″

And because it is really just a freaking joke and I don’t really care what it looked like I had her take the brush and just paint the L like this. So ghetto. I am very glad that it didn’t last. I mean, I wasn’t planning on being naked and in the doggie position anytime soon, but ya never know.

The clouds were creeping in and we didn’t want to be shitfaced drunk again tonight so Rich and I went upstairs to get ready for dinner.

Dinner tonight was at my favorite steakhouse Cut! The Palazzo is now doing a cool atrium display like Bellagio does with the big flowers and stuff.

Two of my favorite mos!

We were so hungry that everyone dug in before I had a chance to remember to take photos. This white corn salad was amazing! I never thought I would get so excited about a salad, but this is definitely on my list of “must-haves” when I go to Cut again. The giant onions were a bit much, but you can pick around them.

Ahhhh BONE MARROW FLAN… we also ordered the kobe beef sashimi of course, but no pictures. No reason to photograph something over and over again.

I love hanging out with Carilyn. She is so fun. Especially when she tells stories about how she allows her kids to believe that there is a leprechaun living in their house.

Another stupid marketing person. Why wouldn’t they just feed his ego more and literally make the image of him actually lifesize? Now people like us are just going to stand next to it and make fun of him for being a midget. I used to have a huge crush on him but now I think he’s just too douchey. I mean come on. Stop trying so hard.

We went into Cathouse (nice website, they have been open for several years lol)  for a drink but the music was god awful and we didn’t stay very long.

I think Carilyn’s bf is a bit shy so I am not going to call him out on this blog. But he is really hot and very sweet.

Carilyn also appears to be a 2 Beer Queer like myself.

Fun in the photo booth. I woke up the next morning and saw the ones I took showing my tits. Oh that’s nice. Those aren’t staying on the fridge when family comes over.

Rich and I stumbled back to the room playing a fun game of “Shadowing” where you casually walk up right next to someone and act like you are looking at something off in the distance but you stay very very close to them. Like shoulder to shoulder. If they drop back, you drop back. If they speed up, you speed up. It’s highly entertaining and a great way to piss people off at 2am. (I would like to thank Mike for making this game up in Hawaii in 2002 on the beach with people running by us. He would jump up from the towel and chase them and get real close to them. He even did it in the water with this little Japanese boy while his parents sat on the beach laughing at him. Big laughs for everyone…except the little kid.) “Shadowing” is best done in Las Vegas after many cocktails on the casino floor because you can switch directions on a hairpin turn and your friends can sit by at a slot machine watching. It’s really really really fun.

We had a 9:30pm reservation at Sea Blue, a Michael Mina restaurant inside the MGM. Stephen Hopcraft from the current season of Top Chef is the Executive Chef here. For starters the flatbread was simply amazing. It’s fresh baked to order so even though we were starving and had to wait for it, it was well worth it. They served it slightly salty, a little bit of buttery greasy goodness and served with three sauces: feta, a spicy something or other that I couldn’t handle and hummus.

The lobster bisque was delicious, with big chunks of lobster in it. Just the right amount of cinnamon…you know how sometimes lobster bisque can be too sweet?

Danny and I shared some oysters. I don’t remember which ones we ordered. Sorry it’s been a long weekend.

I actually didn’t order an entree, I just picked off everyone else’s plates. Danny had the bacon wrapped Chilean seabass and I know this is shocking, it was too smokey and bacon-y for me. He ordered the ratatouille and I never thought I would get excited about stewed vegetables, but they were outstanding. A definite must if you go there.

After dinner we jumped in a town car to bring us to Bellagio to check out the water display outside and to see the quarterly floral exhibit in the Conservatory/Atrium. The town car is the way to go if you are making a few quick stops. Instead of waiting in the long cab line you pay a driver somewhere between $45-55 for an hour’s worth of service. If you run over, you have to pay that second hour, so you had best time it right and not dilly dally. We were heading into Old Vegas/Downtown after Bellagio, so it was perfect timing and made sense since the ride to downtown is about $25 anyways.

Every time I come to Vegas I try to head over here to check out this exhibit. During the first part of the year they usually have it themed to Chinese New Year, during the summer months it’s usually bugs and butterflies like this one. I have seen a 4th of July one, too. I should dig up a bunch of these images and post them. It’s quite elaborate and always fun to see how creative they can be.

On the way to Old Vegas we had a bit of misfortune in our town car. I was in the front seat with my seatbelt on. Danny was behind the driver, Nikki was in the middle and Rob was behind me. The driver slowed down and put on his brakes due to some traffic ahead of him. Danny looked back and saw a big grey truck coming up really fast on us. We were hit very hard by the truck which then swerved to the left around our car, and then we were hit 2 more times after that. I am unclear of exactly who hit what and where… I thought there were 2 other cars in the accident after the truck, but then there were only 2 after all was said and done. I remember looking back and asking them if they were all OK and when I didn’t hear Danny speaking I panicked. I was grabbing his knee which was smashed into the back of the driver’s seat and saying his name over and over and shaking his leg. I think he was unconscious for at least 30 seconds or a minute. They are all a little sore, Danny especially. I don’t feel anything. We spent the next 2 hours on the side of the freeway which was totally backed up with traffic. We had to deal with paperwork and accident reports and the insurance guy and we had to wait for another town car to come pick us up. At around 2 am we finally got outof there and went back to MGM. We got really lucky on Saturday as none us were badly injured. It could have been much worse. The scary part is not knowing if that car that just hit you is the last of it or if there are more coming. I have never been in a car wreck like that…I was scared.

Even in the middle of a 3 car pile up on the side of the freeway I am looking for the shot of my reflection in a mirror.

I want to remind everyone that LIFE IS SHORT. Accidents are just that…accidents. You can never tell if today is the last day for you, your brother, your sister, your niece, your nephew, your aunt, your boyfriend or your girlfriend.

Remember the eulogy that my friend wrote for her Dad’s funeral:

“Be good. Be kind. Give help when you are able. Ask for help when you are in need. Hug tightly. Forgive quickly. Say I’m sorry. Say thank you. Say I love you. Say I don’t ever want to live without you. Make plans. Set  goals. Work towards them. But every now and then. Look around. Drink it in. Because this. Is it. It might all be gone tomorrow. And in the end, what matters. ALL that matters, is that the people you love know that you love them.”

Today was our 4th Annual Celebrate Danny’s Birthday in a Las Vegas pool. Year #1 was at Luxor, year#2 was at Mandalay Bay and the last 2 years we chose MGM because of the lazy river. Nothing beats floating around a murky warm river with a cold beer in your hand people watching.

Hello random guy, thank you for letting me use your shades for my self portrait.

Jello shots with strangers! yay!

We met a nice group of guys from Chicago and this was Tom, their bodyguard. What am I doing in the background?

Many of you know that I take a lot of upskirts of girls in public. (I am saving those for a rainy day, by the way.) I never do it without the girl knowing! I only shoot it if she says yes…I promise you… I do not want to get my ass kicked in a bar or on the street for something that stupid. Anyways, today was a little different. I DID NOT have anyone’s permission for what I like to call “Underwater Upskirts”!

No he wasn’t drowining. We were just getting fairly intoxicated and the water was pretty disgusting.

Enjoy these videos of the day! lol Watch that last one at your own risk!

We went to the rooms to take naps before dinner and our wild night out on the town.

First of all, who in the hell goes to Las Vegas, Nevada in the middle of July for fun? Christ it’s so hot! I got up to do Bikram but I should have just saved the 20 bucks and done it outside. I went to the Green Valley Ranch location and there was something wrong with their heater so they cranked up the humidifier to compensate for it. It was cooler than it was supposed to be and the humidity was out of control. It was like a fucking rainforest…so awful. I made it through the class but I was miserable. The instructor was a real stickler for everyone doing things in unison also…which is different from the San Diego studio. In the Old Town SD class I get really annoyed because there is this one woman who just does whatever the hell she wants. She comes into class late and gets into each position about 15 seconds late almost every time. It is so distracting and annoying. I mean, she’s only cheating herself, right? There is also another guy in SD who fidgets almost the whole class. During every single savasna he’s wiggling his legs, moving his arms, breathing heavy like he is going to have a heart attack and generally disrupting everyone around him. I try to avoid sitting near either of them. Anwyays, the Vegas studio was nice because she forced everyone to stay together and stay calm between postures, which is half the point of the class: bringing yourself to a calm state instantly.

This is Danny’s one year old German Shepherd, Zeba. Apparently that’s the Hebrew word for “splendid” although I just tried looking that up and found nothing. lol Good one Dan. Ironic that he chose a Hewbrew word for a German dog also. She’s a little retarded to be honest, sweet dog, but mildly dumb.

This is Sophie (I think that’s her name)…this is not the one that Zeba was harrassing all night. That cat was hiding upstairs under the bed. Go figure.
 

We checked into our rooms at the MGM Grand. The underside of a very fuzzy and sleepy lion in their walk-through lion jail.

Rob had never been to Las Vegas so Nikki was bound and determined to walk into every casino over the course of the weekend. First stop New York, New York…. This statue was made out of jellybeans. Pretty cool! But man what a tedious job.

We went over to Aria and City Center to see the hotel and also to Crystals…the shopping mall that I told you about when Lisa Ann and I went to eat at Mastro’s. The mall is so futuristic and weird looking. I can’t decide if I am creeped out by it or like it.

The other side of Mastro’s.

I like the use of white with the dark linear wood.

We went north to Stratosphere so we could get a view of the whole city.

I considered doing the Sky Jump thingy but we saw a guy do it and to be honest, it was slow. I mean you free fall like 800 – 900 feet but he was moving pretty slow. It didn’t seem worth $99.

The big blue building on the left is The Fountainebleau like the one in Miami… unfortunately this one has gone bankrupt and stopped building.

Oh wow, Justin Beiber is working the elevators at Stratosphere on Fridays now.

Nikki insisted that we go into Circus Circus despite my pleas. I warned her that it was full of kids, a waste of time and the clowns would most certainly creep her out. We lasted 5 minutes. Long enough to grab a beer and take a photo of these awesome bar stools.

That is by far the ugliest quinceanera dress I have ever seen.

The Venentian really is the best hotel in Vegas in my opinion. The basic rooms all have a sunken living room, the restaurants are great (esp now that Palazzo is connected to it) and the mall with the gondolas and the replica of St Mark’s Square are just too cool. Being that I spent a week there every January for our annual industry tradeshow, I have a sense of comfort walking in the building. Even the smell of the place immediately brings back many memories for me. Some good, some bad, mostly fuzzy.

I liked the way the water is relfecting on the side of the tower.

I’ve never actually taken one of these gondola rides…one of these days. Or I could save the hundred bucks and save my money and actually go to Italy. lol

We wandered over to Treasure Island for one last pit stop before heading back to MGM to take naps and eat dinner.

Danny and I went to see Daniel Tosh performing stand up at Mirage and I have to tell you. It’s official. I am in love.

I could only snap a pic at the very last second and I wasn’t prepared with the setting so the pix suck, but you get the idea. The show was awesome. So inappropriate and off color on so many levels. He really pushes the envelope and makes people just laugh so hard at some ridiculous things. Thanks again Pat and Ed for introducing me to him just a few months ago. Rich claims that he and Kim tried to tell me about him a while back, but I don’t always listen to people. Sometimes you have to learn things for yourself. Tonight I learned that Daniel Tosh will be my husband one day.

After the show Danny and I met with Rob and Nikki at O’Sheas and I gotta tell you… this is not my favorite spot on the strip anymore. It was like a high school kegger with scattered old folks. It used to be a cool spot to duck into it away from the crowds on the strip, but is now very crowded and kind of icky. I saw my bartender Santos again (who bitched at me again for not bringing him porn) but still hooked me up with a free drink. Rob and Nikki went home. Danny played poker and I made my way back to MGM laughing my ass off at all the wasted drunk girls wearing dresses that look like they should be shirts…carrying their high heels, stumbling barefoot around the streets. I love being sober at this hour in Las Vegas! It was highly entertaining.

Today’s plan to work on our tans by the pool (as opposed to the other days haha!) was foiled by clouds and drizzle. We only got about 45 minutes of sunshine the whole day. Total bummer. What wasn’t a bummer were the hot guys hanging out by the pool for us to gawk at! For example…this Vince Vaughn/Couples Retreat look alike. Delicious. When Lisa sent her business card over via the waiter you should have seen this guy sprint over to our cabana. I mean like full on sprint. That’s the best shot I could get of him since having a big ass camera at the topless pool might cause a ruckus.

Ron Jeremy was being mauled by fans for autographs and pictures.

Here he is having what appears to be a very uncomfortable conversation with a super fan. Moments later he was asked to leave the premises for exposing himself to her behind the cabanas! Real classy.

Dear Lord I hope this guy finds this blog one day.

Billy telling ridiculous stories about a guy in jail. He was telling us all about how he came to own a nightclub in Cancun and how involved he is with the distillery process of his tequila company Ambhar. If you give two shits about tequila it’s an interesting read. Lisa Ann and I are seriously discussing going down there for an annual Friends Of Bill weekend in September. I really don’t know what this entails but it sure sounds like fun and I have never been to Cancun so what the hell.

Billy offered to take us to dinner at a place called Mastro’s in the new super futuristic City Center. It reminds me of the movie Gattaca! So sterile and strange.

The designer of the restaurant’s “treehouse” is David Rockwell.

On a side note I have never… in all the years that I have known Lisa… see her get so excited about ANYTHING, let alone food. She was talking about the food and what she was going to eat the entire time in the cab on the way there. She was mentally and emotionally consumed with the meal that was about to take place and I gotta tell ya… I was a little nervous because she had hyped it up SO MUCH. I really did not want to be let down. I mean steak is steak, right? (ha… you know I am kidding about that)

We ordered the Cosmo served with dry ice for a fun little presentation.

Seafood tower with several different types of crab, lobster, oysters and caviar. Billy looks like he is going to murder this tower.

The guy on the left is someone that Billy calls AJ (Angry Jew) who runs something important over at Venetian and Palazzo. I forget what he does exactly. Interesting dude from Brooklyn… loved his east coast attitude and style. Lisa and Billy were starving so you have 2 very annoyed diners in this photo reluctantly posing for my picture.

From the left lobster mashed potatoes, bone-in filet ( I had never had that before! It was amazing), steamed asparagus (for the first time it did not make my piss smell funny) and the winner of the night: black truffle gnocchi with lobster. I  forgot to order my steak on a cold plate (AGAIN) but luckily they brought one to me pretty quickly and my steak was done perfectly so I was happy. The potatoes were awesome but what isn’t awesome with lobster added to it? And the gnocchi… well that was a religious experience. I literally woke up in the middle of the night wishing that I had stolen the leftovers from Billy’s bag just so I could have the gnocchi. It was out of this fucking world.

Dessert was vanilla bean creme brulee and an unbelievably delicious warm butter cake (their signature dish) with the perfect amount of sweet and salty. Topped with their homemade whipped cream… oh my god. We all left in a massive food coma.

It was still really early so we went back to our hotel/homes to take naps and guess what? I am still fighting this head cold and I knew that my 8am flight would come all too soon, so I chose wisely and stayed in. I guess I am getting old because this is 2 out of 3 nights in Vegas where I am in bed for the night before 9pm.

(Sorry I was MIA this weekend. I was having too much fun to sit at the computer! I love getting nasty text messages from my friends complaining that they have nothing to read on Monday mornings)

Lisa Ann had to cover a scene for a flaky model so she missed the entire fan show at the Hard Rock Hotel today. Oopsie daisies! The promoters were cool about it and they understood. She’s a business woman after all…she had to make a decision about pissing off a producer and losing a bunch of money vs chilling at the pool all day and making no money. So by the time she was done and back at the hotel I had spent my morning and afternoon at the spa, eating lunch and laying in the sun at Mandalay Bay. Remind me again how this is “work”? We chilled out in her room for a few hours just shooting the shit discussing her memoirs and what will be in them. We exchanged war stories about the business and about sex and relationships in general. She has definitely got a few more battles under her belt than I do! lol I asked her to name all the famous people she has fucked. Wow. That was entertaining.

 The view from her room was pretty neat…it looks as though those are snow capped mountains, but in fact it’s just the way the afternoon sun was hitting the side of the mountain.

We headed downstairs to Rick Moonen’s sustainable seafood place called RM Seafood for dinner. Recently Rick made it to the finals of Top Chef Masters but lost out to Marcus Samuelsson who I have never even heard of. I’m bummed because I had not watched the series and while googling infomation about Rick Moonen I discovered the winner. Rick also recently won a James Beard award for his work with Chefs A’ Field in Alaska.

We got the oyster sampler. Lisa Ann and I both discovered that we like the smaller ones because they seem to be sweeter. I don’t know a ton about oysters except that they are delicious and good for you!

Crab cakes served with a tasty jicama salad/slaw. The dressing they used was out of this world and reminded me of something from my past but better. If that makes any sense! The only thing I could think of was this salad dressing I got once from El Torito. Sorry if that’s an insult Rick! haha

The ahi duo was excellent too. I liked the ahi poke better than the seared ahi and the soy glaze was fantastic.

Steak tartare was decent. It had too many onions for my liking but the black truffles on top were a great addition. Something I have never seen before.

After our light dinner of appetizers we headed over to the Hard Rock because Billy who works for Ambhar tequila (you might remember him from Lisa’s birthday weekend, the guy who tells the great stories and who had the run-in with the monkey on coke) was hosting an event at the pool. It was super crowded with drunk 22 year olds and we were not having it. We had a security guard walk us to what he thought was Billy’s cabana and when we realized it wasn’t and we couldn’t get to where Billy was, we gave up. Walking through a crowded area with tons of drunk dudes with Lisa Ann is about as fun as going to the dentist. They stop and stare, occasionally paralyzed because they can’t believe that their favorite porn star is standing in front of them and they then act like idiots. Sometimes they feel like they can reach out and grab her arm and that’s when things get ugly. We move as fast as possible and have to have an escort take us from area to area. You think I am exaggerating? Not at all. She played Sarah Palin in a spoof and her career blew the fuck up. Right after it was released she had interviews, talk shows, radio spots etc… coming in at an alarming rate for weeks. It can be a real pain in the ass but obviously in certain environments it’s fine. If she’s at Starbucks in LA wearing Converse and jeans it’s not an issue really. Dressed up at a nightclub in Las Vegas showing off her body is a totally different beast. Anyways, we headed over to Wasted Space to go to the official show after party hosted by Teagan Presley and Sunny Leone. I ran into Pierre, a promoter who Lauren worked very closely with over the years to get Naughty America into a lot of big parties in Vegas during AVN. We had our logo plastered all over Las Vegas the last few Januarys…best of all: for free! The clubs paid us! (I need to stop saying “us” and “we” when referring to NA. Tough habit to break.)

Steve (glasses)… works for AVN who I happily learned reads my blog and Angel Vain sporting a Ninja Turtle shirt! Awesome! Teagan and Lia doing shots not paying any attention to me.

This poor guy with his sunglasses on his head looks remarkably like a douche in the business named Donny Long that EVERYONE HATES. I had to tell him to take those shades off his head or he might get punched in the face. It was dark and they did look a lot alike. He thanked me once I explained the deal and why I was taking a photo of him.

Monstar (Alex) a PR rep for a ton of girls in the business with a photo of his lovely fiancee Tanya Tate on his iphone. I love Tanya … a hot British milf who I just adore.

How in the hell am I darker than Sunny when she is of Indian descent? We had a great talk about my departure from NA and it was good to hear that she supported me and believes in me. Some people in the business just don’t get my decision and that is fine. The people that really know me get it and that’s all that matters. Sunny matters

My soon-to-be partner in crime in San Diego…Brynn Tyler.

You also might remember Chris, the biggest Puerto Rican in captivity, from Lisa’s birthday weekend in May.

We snuck out of Wasted Space and met up with Billy to go over to a place called Eye Candy at Mandalay Bay. Check out this stud with his sweet hair and shades.

And his Sony Walkman. (whaaaat?????)

Lisa Ann getting her dance on.

A fan brave enough to come say hi… and guess what?

She pretty much just made his day. His month. His life.

Again, if this isn’t fan interaction I don’t know what is. Good times!

And my favorite shot of the night. It tells such a story.

I flew to Las Vegas this morning so I could be Lisa Ann’s “roadie” for the next 2 days. There is an unconventional convention going on by the pool at the Hard Rock Hotel where fans can mingle amongst their favorite porn stars from 11:00 am til 5:00pm. Normally a show like this is in a huge convention hall and the girls sign their 8x10s, pose for pictures and chit chat until the next guy in line gets antsy and wants his turn. This was completely different and a much more interactive way for the fans to hang out. Generally they don’t serve alcohol at the shows and all you do is walk from booth to booth. This one had a full bar, a performance by Too Short and a bikini contest! It was really cool and a brillliant idea and surprisingly none of the fans were out of control drunk or disrespectful…not that I saw.

To start the day like a proper “Bitch-For-The-Weekend” I bought Lisa Ann flowers at the airport and they classy-ly went straight into the Fiji bottle.

We dragged a bunch of merchandise to the cabanas by the pool (DVDs, 8x10s and a Polaroid camera) but it was so goddamn windy that we just left everything in the bags and Lisa ended up signing the things that fans brought on their own.

She did some interviews…

Lisa Ann and Sunny Leone…the sweetest girl in the business! I have known her for years and there is not a mean bone in her body. She is Indian and is absolutely stunning. I have a confession to make. About 6 years ago somehow our tongues ended up in each other’s mouths for approximately a millisecond before I freaked out. And that, my friends, is my one and only lesbian experience.

Wow. Brave guy.

I have no idea who this civilian is but she is gorgeous.

Too Short played a short set. (no pun intended, it was really quick)

Misty Anderson who took her heels off to make me look less like a midget.

If this isn’t fan interaction I don’t know what is!? Phoenix Marie loves her fans!

Monique Alexander, Kagney Linn Karter and Lexi Belle

Brynn Tyler who is absolutely hysterical. I forget how funny she is til I run into her every few months. She is threatening to move to San Diego in January

Brynn’s cute butt.

Brynn and Mia Lelani didn’t want to watch the bikini contest up front standing with their heels on so I made them their own little VIP section.

Here is an interesting conversation between Brynn and Mark about Mark’s ex gf Lia. Apparently Brynn and Lia worked together and Mark is harassing Brynn about it. (“worked together” means they had sex on camera together) Now…Mark has been in this business long enough to know the difference between on-camera sex and off-camera sex and still told me that he was discussing how Brynn and Lia “slept together.” What a dork. Unless they woke up spooning, it was work, Mark.

Anyways, it was fun to watch him try to block his face as he realized I was taking photos of him.

Bring Back the Whale!

No comment regarding the emcee of the bikini contest. At least he wore something other than that black tshirt, black sweat pants and house slippers. Jesus Ron, get it together.

The judges: Lisa, Kagney and Sunny

Little Lupe Fuentes who is small enough to be a Cirque du Soleil performer.

I know this looks like Lisa is grabbing her ass, but it’s just the way the shot was taken. In fact, I don’t even think that is Lisa’s hand. And it really looks like Lisa needs a stiff cocktail right about now.

Whenever I am at a bikini contest (I know this sounds funny, but I actually have been to about 5 or 6 of them over the years) I like to take a shot of the contestants from the back of the stage. There is this one photo I took in Ft Lauderdale of a bunch of butts in bikinis and they were all tan except one girl. About 6 months later I received a viral email WITH MY OWN PHOTO and the caption was “Which of these girls is from Minnesota?” It was pretty funny actually. I need to dig that up.

And the winner… of course…Little teeny tiny Lupe.

Look at these tramps running back to their booth with the VIP section.

Claudia-Marie’s giant boobs. She and her husband are swingers and he relentlessly tries to get me to “sleep with them.”

Crap I didn’t realize Lisa Ann was so tall.

Oh wait, nevermind, she is a midget just like me. I was complimenting Lexi Belle on her recent addition to her butt area and she attributed it to Newcastle and cheese. lol! I love her.

And I wouldn’t want to deny the ladies and the gay guys who read this…

These guys must be from Europe.

I was amazed at the amount of normal looking hot guys that were there! I mean, like no creepy trolly dudes really at all. Well maybe a few, but overall it was a good looking bunch.

This guy was so cute when he first came up to meet Lisa Ann he handed me his camera and asked me to take a picture and his hands were shaking so bad. It was adorable. I would totally bang this guy.

Lisa Ann and I are staying at Mandalay Bay (away from the porn nonsense) and we were so freaking hungry we went and pigged out at the buffet at 5:30pm. (haha early bird special for the senior ladies) I am fighting a head and chest cold so we called it a night and went to our rooms at 6:30 pm. That’s a first for Vegas. I woke up and caught some reruns of 30 Rock and The Office and then dozed off until about 1:00am when the heathens next door to me woke me up because of a fist fight/brawl. It didn’t last very long but I definitely heard a bunch of dudes screaming at each other “get off me” and then a girl screaming and some running down the halls and then a girl screaming someone’s first and last name repeatedly. I was about to call sakurity but it ended. Idiots. Control your liquor.

I slept in til 10:30 and by 10:55 I was talked into packing a bag and heading to the airport to catch the 12:15 flight to Las Vegas. This is probably one of the most sponaneous things that I have ever done and it felt great! I didn’t even flip a coin! I was poolside at Mandalay Bay literally exactly at 2:00pm and found myself surrounded by some very drunk people. Lisa Ann’s birthday is today and she had a bunch of her civilian friends as well as a couple of people from the industry including Nikki Benz and a director named Vic. I have said this before but there are very few “porn stars” that I consider personal friends: Nikki and Lisa are two of those people! One of the big wigs at Mandalay comped a room and within an hour I had talked Nikki into changing her flight in a few hours and staying over night.

Meet Billy! Billy works for a tequila company called Ambhar and also owns a bar in Cancun. This dude is a ball of energy and I could not get enough of him. And you have to love that tshirt.

Here he is telling the most ridiculous story that I would never in a million years would have believed had he not had witnesses say that it was a true story. He was driving in Mexico one time and saw a chimpanzee in a motorhome driving next to him smoking a cigarette and flipping him off. They pulled up next to the other vehicle for a photo op with the critter and unbeknownst to Billy…chimps do not like their nipples to be touched. It escalated into a fist fight between the 2 primates and they were both arrested. As it turns out the chimp also tested positive for cocaine. Who could possibly make up a story like that?!!?? I need this guy in my life. Plus he called me “Little Person” which always makes me feel good about my fat ass. He is like Chelsea Handler! And he screams “Hot Cock” about every 4 minutes and has a baseball hat with that phrase on it. I am sure there’s a good story there.

I can almost guarantee that they are laughing at Billy’s antics.

Billy likes to call his friend Chris “The Biggest Puerto Rican in Captivity”

I was dying laughing at that and Chris was a good sport and let me tweet it with a picture.

Lisa’s good friend and hairdresser Champagne Shelly and some guy who I think is named Mike. I love Shelly, she and Lisa travel all over the place together. She works at a salon in Orange County and works hard so she can play hard. I might have a new travel buddy.

Lisa’s boy toy for the day who cannot be named or photographed… lol

Some guy with a small penis who decided to show it to everyone at the Moorea Beach Club pool. He covered up as soon as he saw my huge lens though.

On the way back to the rooms Lisa decided to jump in the fountain for a mini photoshoot.

Nikki was not having it though.

I mean come on! Are these hot or what?!

The water was fucking disgusting and I sincerely hope she doesn’t need medical assistance later this week for whatever she ingested. The big wig at Mandalay called her ass out the next day though because he saw it on one of the zillion security cameras. Too funny!

The boys were not as amused.

I was sharing a room with Nikki so we went back to the room to order room service and to take naps before heading out to the clubs. This is $200 bucks worth of average tasting food. Pancakes, bagels with lox, kobe beef burger, pizza, wine, fruit. Omg we were delusional and only ate about 1/8 of it.

When I stay in hotels with awesome views I like to take shots at all different times of the day.

Our naps turned into full night’s sleep and at 1:00 am I went over to Lisa’s room with a bottle of wine and stayed up watching Couples Retreat til 4:00am and just shooting the shit.

I have decided that day drinking is the way to do Vegas…screw that nightclub bullshit.

Last night was the latest night so far… I think we went to bed at 5:30 am. I slept in til about 12pm, fucked til about 2pm and dragged my ass to the lobby bar at 4pm. I am seriously busted, have no voice and have no interest in speaking to people that I am never going to do business with. I dodged a few people that don’t recognize me with my new look (20 pounds lighter, long hair and smaller wire glasses) and I said hi to a few folks from the biz that I actually do care about. I had a few drinks and rallied the boys for dinner at Yellowtail at Bellagio. But first we had to check out the conservatory…..

The botanical gardens at Bellagio change every few months and are intricately decorated to whatever seasonal thing is going on… alas we are just on the heels of The Year of the Tiger in the Chinese Calendar.

It was under construction but I can assure you when I go back next month for the kobe beef sashimi, I will stop by and give you a better understanding of the beauty of this place.

For some reason the other night at 3 am Puma Swede decided to start calling me Octomom. I think it was the nerdy striped sweater that inspired her. I dunno. It stuck on Twitter for a few days, but like most of my ridiculous nicknames, people get bored easily and move on. Here I am with my eight children

And onto the important things in life: booze and food!

We (meaning me) couldn’t decide on what foo-foo cocktails to order so I had them bring one of everything for us to rotate around the table and sample.

I am pretty sure this was tempura crab (crap when you blog 8 days later you forget shit)

Ahi tuna pizza SMOTHERED IN WHITE TRUFFLE OIL (yes, I made them bring out another one!)

Yellowtail serrano in ponzu sauce (not bad)

Another beef tartare tataki thingy FAR INFERIOR to Cut.

More yummy stuff that I cannot remember for the life of me. That looks like toro for sure. (the fatty part of the tuna,  called tuna belly)

Uni and oyster shooters! Deeeelish.

annnnndddddd, the entire reason we came to this place! The crunchy roll that has Pop Rocks in it! It is such a weird sensation to have in your mouth A) after so many years of not even remembering this candy B) having it combined with fish and/or rice. It’s definitely a novelty item, so by all means, if you aren’t already AT the Bellagio, don’t make a special trip over there. If you are in the neighborhood and are hungry, then definitely check it out. The best thing this place has going for it is the view of the water show. In the summer it’s amazing if you are sitting outside and can hear the music.

And we are off to one more night of hell! And by hell I mean drinking heavily at Pirahna and staying out late while screaming at each other in a club filled with smoke and annoying wasted people. Ok, perhaps I am one of the screaming annoying wasted people… but hey! I try to make everyone enjoy themselves by funnelling alcohol down their throats. Meet Drew Cutler… our unofficial contract boy for Suite 703.

The greatest thing ever (well, aside from the light table thingy from last night) a screen that shows your text messages. Apparently, this is all the rage and I am just living under a rock….

And lastly, one of my favorite Suite 703 actors Tommy Defendi trying to violate me. I love my job!