Wednesday 2.11.10

Dinner before the show was at The Foundry on Melrose. For those of you who have been reading for a while you might know that my friend Eric Greenspan is the owner and executive chef and every time I am in LA I try to make it over here for some delicious eats. 818′s little step-brother flew into town so we were dragging him around for the night trying to show him a good time as well.

We ordered the grilled cheese sandwich again (check out the blog from a while back if you don’t remember), and we ordered the Tots. (cheesy puffs of goodness)

Greeny stopped by and asked us what we ordered and I got the death stare when I told him tots and grilled cheese…. soooo…. other dishes just started arriving. Braised pork belly… this time was huge and more awesome than the last time I got it. Dang.

Tuna

He also sent out some little biscuits and something else which I forgot to take a photo of. Fail. For my entree I had the monkfish, which was out of this world. I had only tried it one other time and it was raw and nasty so I was a little nervous. Cooked fish is always a gamble for me. I love things un-cooked ya know. It had the texture of lobster almost. And the sauce was light and frothy. Very good.

818 had the duck breast, which was Greeny’s recommendation.

and 818′s little brother had the burger. Which just so happens to be the #1 burger in Los Angeles right now. Congrats Greeny! Check this link. He serves 4 mini burgers on 4 mini buns, that are not seperated. The garnishes are a carmelized onion mixture, not sure what the white sauce is, and then a relish of apple and fennel. Good shit.

So off to the awards! Puma Swede and Nikki Benz attacking me within 3.2 seconds of seeing me.

818 and his brother, but look to the left… I DIDN”T EVEN NOTICE MANUEL FERRARA! Damn it! I would have gone up to him and gotten a hug and a smooch! fuck!

The lovely Phoenix Marie

I looked like dogshit in this next photo so I cut myself out of it because Phoenix is so beautiful.

Keiran Lee looking dashing and despite his non stop harrassing of me, I actually like the guy.

I finally met Georgia Jones…. wow what a knockout. Stay tuned for her on live/webcam.

Brynn Tyler and Kagney Linn Karter. Congrats KLK on your contract… we will miss you for the next 2 years I have a soft spot in my heart for her because we shot her very first scene and she turned into an utter superstar.

Bridgette B looking stunning as well

and my favorite Brit Kerry-Louise! I am not sure what we are doing in this picture. I know 818′s little brother has a pic on his camera of us doing something ridiculous to her new tits. I will see if I can get ahold of it.

Here is Bad Artie, one of the 5 finalists who ran for Naughty President.

After a while, I got the urge to hang out with some gay men so we went to Mickys to meet up with some friends. A fellow fag hag named Ashley and Diesel Washington and his boy toy. My god Diesel is huge and hot and sadly very gay.

Papa Howard and Octomom pose for a photo

We only stayed for one drink before heading over to Here Lounge. On the way I saw this hilariously small patch of grass for dogs to pee and poop on. So funny!

One final drink with Chi-Chi La Rue and Jason Sechrest before I head back to San Diego. It’s been a long week in LA, a city that I don’t even like.

I took a photo of this hot go-go dancer and he had the nerve to flip me off! Hey, buddy you are the one standing on a box shaking your ass with almost nothing on. F off if you don’t want any photos taken of you then go work at Starbucks. Sheesh.

Saturday 1.09.10

Another late night turns into another late morning. We went down to the show floor to make the rounds again. I tried giving my card to this lovely brunette, but I don’t think she was interested in talking to me.

Isn’t this shirt hilarious?!

And this one is even more hilarious.

I paid Baker twenty bucks to ride this mechanical penis. He’s so broke and so addicted to gambling that he will do anything for a little extra cash.

With Angel Vain and Mr. President.

We went to Wolfgang Puck’s Cut inside the Palazzo for dinner.

Of course we had to try a bunch of appetizers:

Bone Marrow Flan (it’s not your typical bone marrow flavor… it’s got a sweet taste… it’s exactly what it says… a custardy flan made out of bone marrow.) So. Fucking. Good.

It’s amazing people will still dine with me considering I have no manners when it comes to something so delicious.

Tuna tartare (not bad)

Veal tongue (really yummy, not chewy at all like you might expect)

Steak tartare (awesome)

Kobe beef sashimi. Probably the most delicious thing I have ever put in my mouth. Ever. I thought the bone marrow flan was the most delicious thing I had ever put in my mouth until this. It was to die for and the sauce they served it with was like a light soy sauce/ponzu sauce. Next time I am in LA I will be going to Cut to see if they have it. LA is closer than Vegas

LTP award!

I guess it runs in the family. HAHA!

I always seem to find my reflection in the strangest places. This was above our table.

After dinner we decided to make it a mellow dive bar kind of night. The clubs are fun and all, but you can only take so much of the stupid bouncers, bottle service and horseshit that goes along with that scene. We went to my favorite dive bar The Double Down Saloon for a couple of cheap drinks and to show Pat what the locals do. Here we are drinking shots of “Ass Juice”… a mysterious recipe of whatever crap they have laying around at the moment all mixed together. The flavor changes a bit from time to time, but it’s basically vodka, some cranberry juice, maybe another kind of juice and maybe a bit of some brown liquor. It’s hard to tell, but it goes down pretty smooth.

I wonder how many people actually order 2 shots thinking that they are getting a deal?

This is the view from the ladies bathroom.

I have had their bacon martini before and it is truly wretched. It’s hard enough drinking a martini that is not foo-foo, but with chunks of food floating around in it… I can tell you that it does not go down very easily.

After Double Down we headed over to my other favorite place O’Shea’s! I have spent many many hours inside this place. It right on the strip next to Harrah’s and is a great place to gamble and drink cheap. I have been going there for so many years that this one bartender knows me by name. His name is Santos and always hooks me up. Sadly every year I promise to bring him porn and then forget until the moment I walk into the place. I actually brought a stack of DVDs for him this year and then didn’t bring them to the bar that night. I feel so guilty that I might fly to Vegas again soon just to bring him a care package of porn and Naughty America shirts. Oh and maybe while I am in town I will go get some kobe beef sashimi at Cut! What a brilliant idea!

Oh my gosh! Look who I ran into at the Venetian! Vegas Jake the One-Hit Wonder! (this is a guy who ran for Naughty President who disappeared right after he lost the election.) Boooo! Good-bye fairweather fan!

Monday 11.02.09 – Wednesday 11.04.09

I was doing really well with my diet all winter and spring last year, but pretty much gave up when I had a hernia operation in June. My birthday weekend was no help (bacon wrapped everything: another day when I have nothing to talk about it I will tell you about “Top Chef: Laura’s Last Supper Edition”) and then summer just turned into a bunch of traveling, eating and no gym time. Anyways, today I pulled up a skirt over my fat ass that hasn’t fit in weeks. As it turns out, if you drink for 3 days and don’t eat, you lose weight! I looked very professional for debate day and headed to the office to watch 5 hopeful candidates battle it out for the honor of being elected The President of Naughty America. The debate went well, they all handled themselves professionally and answered the unexpected and oftentimes awkward questions. We went to Bareback Grill for lunch and I ordered the delicious Meso Tasty chicken sandwich and of course the crack-like french fries that they cook with a sweet sugary finish. I worked til almost 10:30 pm and went home and attempted to sleep. The last time I looked at the clock it was 1:30 am

On Tuesday my realtor called and told me that the bank approved my short sale on my home and that I had to be out by the end of the month. I have no place to move to and I have not started packing. This is where I start beating myself up for accomplishing absolutely nothing all weekend. Are you kidding me??? I am scheduled to go home for my reunion on the 24th, so this means I have to be out by the 23rd! BWAHAHAHAHA! This is unreal! I have a 1700 square foot house FULL of crap. I have made this decision to simplify my life knowing that I will be selling and/or donating most of what I own, however, I am 10000% unprepared to have this happen in the next 27 days. Holy shit. Ladies and gentlemen, this was not the plan. I worked late and then went home and popped an ambien. I got them a long time ago from a friend who works nights and I thought I would try one to help with my insomnia. Bad idea.

On Wednesday I woke up looped as all hell. Thats the last time I try that crap! I felt hungover until about noon… it was awful. At least if I feel like that in the morning, I better have had some fun the night before. I tried not to panic all day about my house and the mess I have to deal with. I made it to the gym tonight for the first time in weeks, and it felt great. I also went to a meeting of people in the adult business that gets together every Wednesday… I am in search of a co-host for our morning show and wanted to get the word out to anyone who might be interested. I managed to talk a girl out of a career in porn…. she said she wanted to disguise herself if she did it. A wig, some makeup and maybe have the camera not near her face. Umm, girlie, you might want to just consider escorting.

Here’s a funny story about a good friend of my bosses: I have a huge crush on him and we have flirted a lot in the past but the reality is we will never seal the deal. Not only does he like emaciated supermodel skinny Latina heroin addict looking girls, he is the best bud of my boss. If we ever got together it would be beyond awkward and I know they would sit around and talk about it like teenage school girls. So the friend needs a date to an event coming up and boss sent him the NOH8 photo of me saying “Hey, you should take this chick to your dance, she’s a friend of Dallas’s and I heard she’s great in bed!” Friend is like “Fuck yeah! Is she local!?” haha! Seriously… this has been going on in an email for days now… I can’t wait to hear the outcome of their dinner date tomorrow night. He is going to let it go as long as he can and then “read him the riot act” about how shallow he is. Funny stuff.

In other news, I splurged and bought myself an electric toothbrush. It’s awesome, you should get one!

Friday 10.30.09- Sunday 11.01.09 (sorry I have been slacking!)

Typically, Halloween is a really big deal for me and if I can’t come up with something super duper awesome or funny, I just skip it. In the last 8 months I have hosted two very successful costume parties. 2/07/09 was the SNL Party and 9/06/09 was the 80′s Movie Character Party. One day when I have nothing to talk about I will blog in detail about my maniacal attention to detail when hosting costume parties….

Soooo……this Halloween crept up and I wanted to be The REAL Balloon Boy with a bunch of inside-out helium balloons or an insulation blanket attached to my head and have a string and a small doll dangling off my contraption, but I simply didn’t have the energy or time to put it together. Sue me. I had every intention of putting it together in the beginning of the week, but as Thursday rolled into Friday, I adopted the “Halloween is for Rookies” attitude. I had plans to stay home most of the weekend anyways and start going through the crap in my house so I can prepare for my move in January. I am selling my house and downsizing for several reasons. I am never home, my dog died, and the douchebag behind me decided to build Trump Towers West in my backyard. On Friday night I stayed late at work and went over to The Local for “one drink”. They were in the midst of a white trash party

(I had one of those years ago, too… we were grilling grilled cheese sandwiches lol) and somehow (on my empty stomach) I got so drunk in 3 hours that my wonderful friends had to help me find a cab so I could make it home safely. Scary that I don’t really remember half the night. I do recall these photos:

Carlos from The Hangover (a very popular costume this year was Allan and Carlos… the best one I saw was my friend Jeff in NJ who had a real baby for his Carlos!) (I saw this movie 3 times in the theater!)

Critical Mass: those annoying bikers that take over the streets of downtown San Diego one Friday a month. I asked Tommy 5tone what the deal was and he said, “Oh they just do it for fun.” I started taking a bunch of photos and video because I was going to blog and talk a bunch of shit about how stupid they are and I hope they get hit by a car and blah blah. But then I asked a woman standing on the sidewalk cheering them on what this was for and she said it was a statement against auto pollution. So I searched deep into my shallow little soul and realized that a Prius-driving-garbage-picking-recycling-crazy-person like myself shouldn’t be mad at them, I should embrace their cause and be proud of them! I considered join ing them one Friday a month, except that I don’t really know how to ride a bike. In traffic. I mean I know how to ride a bike, it’s just that I learned how to ride a bike on a ½ mile long driveway with no traffic. The last time I was on a bike in public was in 1993 with Stephanie and Chantelle in Mission Beach and I ended up crashing over the sea wall. So, critical massers: Have at it! I will no longer hiss at you on Friday nights when I am stuck in a taxi trying to get downtown.

Saturday night turned into a naked hottub party (Obviously there are no photos from that, duh, I don’t have a waterproof camera) which turned into 3am playing the “I’m On a Boat” video 17 times on my big-screen. We did manage to have a brief and simple Top Chefesque competition where Michelle and Michelle battled it out in a watermelon carving contest.

Needless to say when I called everyone to brunch on Sunday I was a total hurting trainwreck. I lasted 5 minutes at Universal and walked home deserting Tommy and Jen. I promptly turned my phone and brain off and fell asleep for the next 3 hours. When I woke up I had to rally and get my ass in gear to meet up with the Naughty President candidates who had flown into town. We met up at the Se Hotel and had a couple of foo-foo drinks and then Lauren, Dallas and I took them to dinner at Yard House. I had the bacon, chicken, truffle mac-n-cheese, which pulled me out of my 5pm hangover quite nicely, along with a bottle of Cakebread chardonnay.Don’t worry, I shared the wine. After dinner we walked around the corner and were denied entrance at the Star Bar because I still don’t have a fucking drivers license after letting it expire on my birthday in June. The Star Bar, which is arguably the nastiest dive bar in all of the Gaslamp, doesn’t accept passports. That’s right, they do not accept an international identification. So we went to Gaslamp Tavern where it was too loud and then decided to go back to the Se for a nightcap. I was falling asleep while dodging questions about the upcoming debate tomorrow and I finally had to call it a night. I took a cab home to discover that all of the exits near my house were blocked off and a mere $34 dollars later I was home. I should mention that I dozed off in the cab when we finally did get near my house and was a little embarrassed to tell the cabbie that he had to turn around because we had gone too far due to my narcolepsy. Long weekend folks.