Monday 11.02.09 – Wednesday 11.04.09

I was doing really well with my diet all winter and spring last year, but pretty much gave up when I had a hernia operation in June. My birthday weekend was no help (bacon wrapped everything: another day when I have nothing to talk about it I will tell you about “Top Chef: Laura’s Last Supper Edition”) and then summer just turned into a bunch of traveling, eating and no gym time. Anyways, today I pulled up a skirt over my fat ass that hasn’t fit in weeks. As it turns out, if you drink for 3 days and don’t eat, you lose weight! I looked very professional for debate day and headed to the office to watch 5 hopeful candidates battle it out for the honor of being elected The President of Naughty America. The debate went well, they all handled themselves professionally and answered the unexpected and oftentimes awkward questions. We went to Bareback Grill for lunch and I ordered the delicious Meso Tasty chicken sandwich and of course the crack-like french fries that they cook with a sweet sugary finish. I worked til almost 10:30 pm and went home and attempted to sleep. The last time I looked at the clock it was 1:30 am

On Tuesday my realtor called and told me that the bank approved my short sale on my home and that I had to be out by the end of the month. I have no place to move to and I have not started packing. This is where I start beating myself up for accomplishing absolutely nothing all weekend. Are you kidding me??? I am scheduled to go home for my reunion on the 24th, so this means I have to be out by the 23rd! BWAHAHAHAHA! This is unreal! I have a 1700 square foot house FULL of crap. I have made this decision to simplify my life knowing that I will be selling and/or donating most of what I own, however, I am 10000% unprepared to have this happen in the next 27 days. Holy shit. Ladies and gentlemen, this was not the plan. I worked late and then went home and popped an ambien. I got them a long time ago from a friend who works nights and I thought I would try one to help with my insomnia. Bad idea.

On Wednesday I woke up looped as all hell. Thats the last time I try that crap! I felt hungover until about noon… it was awful. At least if I feel like that in the morning, I better have had some fun the night before. I tried not to panic all day about my house and the mess I have to deal with. I made it to the gym tonight for the first time in weeks, and it felt great. I also went to a meeting of people in the adult business that gets together every Wednesday… I am in search of a co-host for our morning show and wanted to get the word out to anyone who might be interested. I managed to talk a girl out of a career in porn…. she said she wanted to disguise herself if she did it. A wig, some makeup and maybe have the camera not near her face. Umm, girlie, you might want to just consider escorting.

Here’s a funny story about a good friend of my bosses: I have a huge crush on him and we have flirted a lot in the past but the reality is we will never seal the deal. Not only does he like emaciated supermodel skinny Latina heroin addict looking girls, he is the best bud of my boss. If we ever got together it would be beyond awkward and I know they would sit around and talk about it like teenage school girls. So the friend needs a date to an event coming up and boss sent him the NOH8 photo of me saying “Hey, you should take this chick to your dance, she’s a friend of Dallas’s and I heard she’s great in bed!” Friend is like “Fuck yeah! Is she local!?” haha! Seriously… this has been going on in an email for days now… I can’t wait to hear the outcome of their dinner date tomorrow night. He is going to let it go as long as he can and then “read him the riot act” about how shallow he is. Funny stuff.

In other news, I splurged and bought myself an electric toothbrush. It’s awesome, you should get one!

Thursday 10.29.09

Today in my inbox was the notification from Adam Bouska’s studio that Tommy and I had received our NOH8 photos! Adam started following me on Twitter several months ago (in case you didn’t find this blog from Twitter and wish to join the millennium it’s www.twitter.com/naughtylaurad) and I was intrigued by his profile pic and started to do a little research. He is an amazing fashion and celebrity photographer who started a campaign to protest Proposition 8 which was passed last year in California banning gay marriages. He started this in February and has already shot thousands of images in a style which is very unique to the project. Everyone wears white and has a temporary tattoo on their cheek. The imagery is very high key on a simple clean white backdrop and, of course, he photoshops the hell out of our eyes to make them jump out. My eyes are not that crystal clear blue. lol. Tommy 5tone (gay porn star extraordinaire) and I took one together which has not been released yet, but we both received our individual ones. I actually had another one which they forgot to send of me and the hot pink stuffed animal that I travel around the world with… yes he will be hitting the last continent with duct tape on his face and Sharpie on his cheek. So be it. It was a fun day for a good cause. So please spread the word and the imagery. If you are in the LA area next week and want to get your photo taken here is the info. Tommy is feeling like quite the celebrity and is annoying the shit out of me at the office running around calling himself an internet sensation. Puh-leeze.

I had to run an errand in UTC today and I literally haven’t been up there in about 10+ years. Recently I was talking about good Italian food in San Diego and wasn’t getting very far with any recommendations and I had remembered a place I went to years ago called Lorna’s Italian Kitchen. Lorna was a real piece of work, kind of like those jerky waitresses at Dick’s Last Resort except Lorna was probably a bitch in real life and not paid to be “bitchy”. Big difference, ya know? Tonight there were only polite people working and I ordered the side of meatball and the meat lasagna to go. I decided to get crazy on a weeknight (obvi sarcasm) and open a bottle of Grenache from Australia and enjoy my hearty Italian meal with a nice red wine. I have to tell you about my “dot” system for labeling wine. Some of you know the deal… I always have a tiny red marker handy at my house and I put little teeny tiny red dots in the lower left corner of the label when I purchase wine. This is because I would come home from happy hour and be buzzed and open up an expensive bottle of wine. When you are already half in the bag, drinking a $60 bottle of wine does you no good. You do not enjoy it, nor do you fully appreciate it. So, if there is one dot, it is under ten bucks. If there are 2 dots the wine costs between ten and twenty bucks. So on and so forth. I think the most expensive bottle I ever drank at home was between $90 and $100. You might laugh and think that this is ghetto, but when all of your friends in town have keys to your house and decide to let themselves in when you are out of town to use the hottub and play ping pong it is rather helpful in keeping friendships together. The issue with this system is that now everyone knows about it. I was so proud of my genius idea that I told everyone and now I am doomed when I want to bring a bottle over to someone’s place as a gift and they realize that I only think of them as a one or two dotter.

The food was alright. But I think I came to the realization this evening that I wouldn’t know good Italian food versus bad Italian food versus Chef Boyardee. It’s not my favorite thing in the world and I almost never crave it. My niece Nikki would eat pizza every day for the rest of her life if it had any nutritional value… I just don’t get excited about it.

Pearla, I am sorry I cheated on you.