Thursday June 10, 2010

I flew to Las Vegas this morning so I could be Lisa Ann’s “roadie” for the next 2 days. There is an unconventional convention going on by the pool at the Hard Rock Hotel where fans can mingle amongst their favorite porn stars from 11:00 am til 5:00pm. Normally a show like this is in a huge convention hall and the girls sign their 8x10s, pose for pictures and chit chat until the next guy in line gets antsy and wants his turn. This was completely different and a much more interactive way for the fans to hang out. Generally they don’t serve alcohol at the shows and all you do is walk from booth to booth. This one had a full bar, a performance by Too Short and a bikini contest! It was really cool and a brillliant idea and surprisingly none of the fans were out of control drunk or disrespectful…not that I saw.

To start the day like a proper “Bitch-For-The-Weekend” I bought Lisa Ann flowers at the airport and they classy-ly went straight into the Fiji bottle.

We dragged a bunch of merchandise to the cabanas by the pool (DVDs, 8x10s and a Polaroid camera) but it was so goddamn windy that we just left everything in the bags and Lisa ended up signing the things that fans brought on their own.

She did some interviews…

Lisa Ann and Sunny Leone…the sweetest girl in the business! I have known her for years and there is not a mean bone in her body. She is Indian and is absolutely stunning. I have a confession to make. About 6 years ago somehow our tongues ended up in each other’s mouths for approximately a millisecond before I freaked out. And that, my friends, is my one and only lesbian experience.

Wow. Brave guy.

I have no idea who this civilian is but she is gorgeous.

Too Short played a short set. (no pun intended, it was really quick)

Misty Anderson who took her heels off to make me look less like a midget.

If this isn’t fan interaction I don’t know what is!? Phoenix Marie loves her fans!

Monique Alexander, Kagney Linn Karter and Lexi Belle

Brynn Tyler who is absolutely hysterical. I forget how funny she is til I run into her every few months. She is threatening to move to San Diego in January

Brynn’s cute butt.

Brynn and Mia Lelani didn’t want to watch the bikini contest up front standing with their heels on so I made them their own little VIP section.

Here is an interesting conversation between Brynn and Mark about Mark’s ex gf Lia. Apparently Brynn and Lia worked together and Mark is harassing Brynn about it. (“worked together” means they had sex on camera together) Now…Mark has been in this business long enough to know the difference between on-camera sex and off-camera sex and still told me that he was discussing how Brynn and Lia “slept together.” What a dork. Unless they woke up spooning, it was work, Mark.

Anyways, it was fun to watch him try to block his face as he realized I was taking photos of him.

Bring Back the Whale!

No comment regarding the emcee of the bikini contest. At least he wore something other than that black tshirt, black sweat pants and house slippers. Jesus Ron, get it together.

The judges: Lisa, Kagney and Sunny

Little Lupe Fuentes who is small enough to be a Cirque du Soleil performer.

I know this looks like Lisa is grabbing her ass, but it’s just the way the shot was taken. In fact, I don’t even think that is Lisa’s hand. And it really looks like Lisa needs a stiff cocktail right about now.

Whenever I am at a bikini contest (I know this sounds funny, but I actually have been to about 5 or 6 of them over the years) I like to take a shot of the contestants from the back of the stage. There is this one photo I took in Ft Lauderdale of a bunch of butts in bikinis and they were all tan except one girl. About 6 months later I received a viral email WITH MY OWN PHOTO and the caption was “Which of these girls is from Minnesota?” It was pretty funny actually. I need to dig that up.

And the winner… of course…Little teeny tiny Lupe.

Look at these tramps running back to their booth with the VIP section.

Claudia-Marie’s giant boobs. She and her husband are swingers and he relentlessly tries to get me to “sleep with them.”

Crap I didn’t realize Lisa Ann was so tall.

Oh wait, nevermind, she is a midget just like me. I was complimenting Lexi Belle on her recent addition to her butt area and she attributed it to Newcastle and cheese. lol! I love her.

And I wouldn’t want to deny the ladies and the gay guys who read this…

These guys must be from Europe.

I was amazed at the amount of normal looking hot guys that were there! I mean, like no creepy trolly dudes really at all. Well maybe a few, but overall it was a good looking bunch.

This guy was so cute when he first came up to meet Lisa Ann he handed me his camera and asked me to take a picture and his hands were shaking so bad. It was adorable. I would totally bang this guy.

Lisa Ann and I are staying at Mandalay Bay (away from the porn nonsense) and we were so freaking hungry we went and pigged out at the buffet at 5:30pm. (haha early bird special for the senior ladies) I am fighting a head and chest cold so we called it a night and went to our rooms at 6:30 pm. That’s a first for Vegas. I woke up and caught some reruns of 30 Rock and The Office and then dozed off until about 1:00am when the heathens next door to me woke me up because of a fist fight/brawl. It didn’t last very long but I definitely heard a bunch of dudes screaming at each other “get off me” and then a girl screaming and some running down the halls and then a girl screaming someone’s first and last name repeatedly. I was about to call sakurity but it ended. Idiots. Control your liquor.

Wednesday 2.11.10

Dinner before the show was at The Foundry on Melrose. For those of you who have been reading for a while you might know that my friend Eric Greenspan is the owner and executive chef and every time I am in LA I try to make it over here for some delicious eats. 818′s little step-brother flew into town so we were dragging him around for the night trying to show him a good time as well.

We ordered the grilled cheese sandwich again (check out the blog from a while back if you don’t remember), and we ordered the Tots. (cheesy puffs of goodness)

Greeny stopped by and asked us what we ordered and I got the death stare when I told him tots and grilled cheese…. soooo…. other dishes just started arriving. Braised pork belly… this time was huge and more awesome than the last time I got it. Dang.

Tuna

He also sent out some little biscuits and something else which I forgot to take a photo of. Fail. For my entree I had the monkfish, which was out of this world. I had only tried it one other time and it was raw and nasty so I was a little nervous. Cooked fish is always a gamble for me. I love things un-cooked ya know. It had the texture of lobster almost. And the sauce was light and frothy. Very good.

818 had the duck breast, which was Greeny’s recommendation.

and 818′s little brother had the burger. Which just so happens to be the #1 burger in Los Angeles right now. Congrats Greeny! Check this link. He serves 4 mini burgers on 4 mini buns, that are not seperated. The garnishes are a carmelized onion mixture, not sure what the white sauce is, and then a relish of apple and fennel. Good shit.

So off to the awards! Puma Swede and Nikki Benz attacking me within 3.2 seconds of seeing me.

818 and his brother, but look to the left… I DIDN”T EVEN NOTICE MANUEL FERRARA! Damn it! I would have gone up to him and gotten a hug and a smooch! fuck!

The lovely Phoenix Marie

I looked like dogshit in this next photo so I cut myself out of it because Phoenix is so beautiful.

Keiran Lee looking dashing and despite his non stop harrassing of me, I actually like the guy.

I finally met Georgia Jones…. wow what a knockout. Stay tuned for her on live/webcam.

Brynn Tyler and Kagney Linn Karter. Congrats KLK on your contract… we will miss you for the next 2 years I have a soft spot in my heart for her because we shot her very first scene and she turned into an utter superstar.

Bridgette B looking stunning as well

and my favorite Brit Kerry-Louise! I am not sure what we are doing in this picture. I know 818′s little brother has a pic on his camera of us doing something ridiculous to her new tits. I will see if I can get ahold of it.

Here is Bad Artie, one of the 5 finalists who ran for Naughty President.

After a while, I got the urge to hang out with some gay men so we went to Mickys to meet up with some friends. A fellow fag hag named Ashley and Diesel Washington and his boy toy. My god Diesel is huge and hot and sadly very gay.

Papa Howard and Octomom pose for a photo

We only stayed for one drink before heading over to Here Lounge. On the way I saw this hilariously small patch of grass for dogs to pee and poop on. So funny!

One final drink with Chi-Chi La Rue and Jason Sechrest before I head back to San Diego. It’s been a long week in LA, a city that I don’t even like.

I took a photo of this hot go-go dancer and he had the nerve to flip me off! Hey, buddy you are the one standing on a box shaking your ass with almost nothing on. F off if you don’t want any photos taken of you then go work at Starbucks. Sheesh.

Friday 1.8.10

Let’s take a moment to acknowlege my niece Nikki’s  25th birthday as well as Elvis Presley’s.

Ok, let’s see… what happened today? Slept in, did some work in the room, ate a crappy snack before heading into the show, had a meeting at the circle bar, went to dinner, went to a club, went back to circle bar, went to bed late and had crazy sex. That’s about it! I hope you enjoyed my blog.

Just kidding.

I would love to know what device erases my past in minutes?

Here is Pat jamming his finger into the various types of Fleshlights. I hear these things are absolutely amazing… I bought one for 917 over the summer and he said it was awesome. We talked on the phone while he used it. (Damn! Another thing I forgot to mention that I finally tried last year… phone sex!) They come in mouths, buttholes and vaginas and have different textures in the chambers. If I had a genie show up right now and grant me one wish it would be to have a penis for a week. I thought about having one for a day, but someone convinced me that I needed a full week to fully appreciate what goes on and to experience all of the tricks it does.

This is a man I think. Pat refused to take a photo with it. In fact, he wouldn’t even look at it.

I didn’t take a lot of photos at the show because most of the pics we got were of Pat with his camera. I have to tell you how convenient it is knowing these models so well, because when there is a huge ass line we simply cut right to the front of it and get our autographs or photos or hugs. The fans get a little pissed when they are about to take a picture with their favorite porn star and Lauren and I stroll up and suddenly the model starts waving her hand frantically at us and giggling and smiling and looks away from their buddies cameras. At one point Boss Man Andreas decided that we HAD to wait in Phoenix Marie’s line and he refused to let us cut the line. 6 minutes. 8 minutes. 10 minutes. Jesus this is annoying.

Anyways, after the show we went to Mario Battali’s Carnevino inside the Palazzo.  I had been here before in the Spring and bravely ordered the sweetbreads because I had never had them. Bad idea. So bad in fact that I barely touched them and the waitress was super awesome and she took them off the bill. I decided to give it a shot again with a giant party of 11.

Here we have the iberco jamon which has only been available in the US since 2007. It is truly amazing and if you ever get a chance you should definitely try it. They recommended eating it with the little bread and lard combo you see here, but I inhaled it by itself. Pig that is fed a controlled diet is like a little piece of heaven for me. Any swine that is deemed the most expensive ham in the world at approximately $52 a pound is definitely going in my gut at every opportunity. If you read that wiki page, you see that since 12/09 there has been an abundance of it in Spain because supply outweighed demand. They are now giving this shit away to Spaniards… crap I think it’s time to make a trip to Spain.

The most boring, dull, flavorless beef carpaccio I have ever tasted. I didn’t even finish it!

We had ordered a plate of things that swim for the table to share (what am I saying, everything that lands on that table throughout the night is for me to share). Some oysters, deep fried cod balls, and the best thing was the uni on the lower left side of the plate. I love me some uni. For those of you who read this every day, I apologize for linking to the uni again, I am just trying to make sure new readers are educated on this little treasure.

Pat specifically requested that we not eat at restaurants with seafood and what do they put on the top of his dish/salad? Small fish with the eyes still on.

I actually tried one of the smelt and it was pretty gross. 818 said that he would make it better for me one day. We’ll see about that ever entering my mouth again. Ew.

I actually did that thing again where I don’t order an entree, but just mooch off everyone else’s plates for the remainder of the meal.

Bison

Lamb

Steak I think … not sure about that big ass bone though lol

… AND FTW … a $90 bowl of al dente pasta with butter and white truffles that Lauren and I fought over. It was fucking mother fucking magical. I felt like I wanted everyone to leave the table and let me eat this deliciousness alone and not bother me so I wouldn’t be at all distracted while enjoying each and every bite. Words cannot describe.

There is Derek (formerly of Mr Skin, but now with Playboy) and his giant head with Lauren. Derek and I have known each other for years and have actually been to a lot of places around the world together. We have shared many good times, meals, drinks and have about 178 photos of us standing side by side in various poses trying to exhibit exactly how large his cranium is and how small mine is. I am actually a little bummed out that I didn’t get one of those this trip.

This is the funny stand up comic we went to see a while back named Justin Martindale… he’s a regular at the Comedy Store in LA on Friday and Saturday nights… hilarious! I want him to move into my house, or better yet, my purse so he can make me laugh allllll dayyyyyy long.

Baker and Bobby Fairfield

There goes Tommy again making a dumb face and ruining another photo opp. P.S. Remember that time you sent me a text at 4 am complaining that I never take pictures of you?

And I want to wrap up part #1 of Vegas Day 2 with this cup of caramel and cheescakey stuff inside. (man, I am really pissing off the legit food bloggers by my descriptions of things.. “stuff” “yumminess” hahaha!)