She was dog sitting Nikki Benz’s Pomeranian Tobby…the cutest dog ever.

Later that week I went out with my friend Andrea for a girl’s night out and ended up ditching her and hanging out with some guy I knew. She’s pissed and wants a re-do. Ha sorry babe!

My friend Scotty had a birthday party a few weeks ago and I saw my friend Phil-Aye who was DJ’ing the party….

Love this creepy photo!

Interesting story about the party: Rich and I were waiting for a cab in the middle of the night down in Chula Vista (20 mins south of downtown) and some guy that Scotty knew tried to sneak and take it as soon as it showed up. Scotty asked if we minded sharing a cab with this dude to downtown and that he was a good friend and he was “good people.” Now I don’t generally allow strangers in my personal space at that hour and I certainly don’t like to run errands at 3 in the morning but I obliged and told Scotty we would drop him off at his place which was really not far from mine. THE DUDE JUMPED OUT OF THE CAB AND BOLTED when we arrived at his place because he didn’t want to pay me half the $22.60 cab fare! I jump out and ran after him telling him not to be a douche and that he owes me at least $10 for half the fare. He reaches in his pocket and throws four crumpled up dollar bills at me. Rich gets out of the cab to help me deal with this guy and the dude PUNCHES RICH IN THE HEAD! Rich, for once, is mature and walks away. The cab driver then gets out and puts the dude in a headlock! Whaaaat!? It was ridiculous!! What a total A-hole! I won’t be sharing any cabs with strangers at that hour even if they are “friends” of friends. Lame.

Donovan’s opened up a new venue near their steakhouse called Circle of 5th…a loungey kind of place. It was fun… Mike from the Tivoli and I had some oysters and a glass of wine while listening to these dueling piano players.

I am such an idiot…I forgot my laptop there since I am just not used to carrying it around. Once I got home and realized it I freaked out and ran back there. It’s about 3/4 of a mile and I sprinted like the movie “Run, Lola, Run“ and made it in less than 4 minutes. I was in such a hurry I didn’t even put sneakers on and wore FLIP FLOPS…my calves were cramping so bad the next  that I had to leave yoga after 25 minutes. Dork.

Last Saturday my friend Jeff celebrated his birthday at East Village Tavern and I dragged my other friend Moe out with me since it was his birthday as well and was trying to stay in and not do anything. Umm, I don’t think so since you have been to every one of my birthday parties since I have known you. Yer comin out!

I am back to work these days…working on some corporate video stuff for local businesses. Did I really just pick up work where I get to bar hop and schmooze restaurant owners? Yep! I guess I am in sales now, too!

I drove to LA for a meeting with my accountant in the Valley and then met Puma and Nikki for an early dinner at Sushi Dan. We had a slumber party at Puma’s place with a makeup artist named Ivy and another porn star named Reena Sky. We sat around watching more ridiculous You Tube videos, laughing our asses off, drinking, eating red velvet whoopie pies, and screwing around on Chat Roulette. If you haven’t heard of Chat Roulette yet, you are missing out on some good quality creepy entertainment. If you have a webcam on your laptop just go to the site and it’s pretty self explanatory. Here are two videos that have come of Chat Roulette that you will love (Thank you Jarin for posting the eye ball one on your blog)

And this kid just plays piano and sings about everyone who stops in his chat window. Hilarious. Improv at it’s best. He’s really quick.

 
Perhaps I missed this one when it came out last November but it’s pretty damn funny. A spoof on Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance. I honestly don’t know how I never saw this… it’s brilliant.

And keeping on the Lady Gaga theme… thank you Tommy for sharing this video on Twitter of a kid who is amazingly talented. He has a shot at fame, but sadly his voice will change in 3 years and his career will be over.

And this gem that Puma made us watch. Seriously? 3 minutes and 46 seconds that I will never get back. Whoever made this had to be on acid or mushrooms or something.

I have never thought to do this angle with this lens! So crazy!

Tobby! The cutest Pomeranian alive!

We were wigging out.

Oh my God, he would not sit still for the pictures

We had to bribe him with popcorn

And our wild night ended pretty early.

Thank you Puma for hosting girls night. The next time I come up it will be a Top Chef competition

I heard this song on the radio the other day and I love it! Bonus that they are Australian! Sweet Disposition by The Temper Trap.

I really don’t know how it took me this long to appreciate Chelsea Handler’s humor. I swear to God, I feel like I have been missing out for so long. I discovered her because I realized there was a book titled “Are You There Vodka, It’s Me Chelsea?” and I thought wow, that could and should be titled with my name instead of hers. I mean how awesome is it that she is sponsored by Belvedere!? She has just started her new tour of Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang and I got tickets last minute to see her. Justin Martindale was supposed to go but got called into work at The Comedy Store last minute so I ended up going with 818, Nikki Benz and Keiran Lee. (Puma Swede was in school til late so I guess Nikki is allowed to borrow her BF if she ever needs a date.)  

We went to dinner first at a hole in the wall sushi bar called Chiba. A few people had been talking about how awesome it was so we decided to try it out. A very unassuming little place in North Hollywood, a place you would drive by and never go in because of the appearance and the neighborhood. Well, you know what they say about not judging a book by it’s cover. The rolls were small (but it’s better that way because you don’t look like an asshole trying to shove a huge piece of sushi in your mouth and having it fall all over the place) and the nigiri was excellent. They had toro which is always a good sign, and it was delicious and melted in your mouth like it is supposed to. Nikki had never had it before, and you know I always love introducing people to new yummy things. We had some sake and beers and enjoyed some good laughs. I wasn’t going to post this picture, but hey if you can’t make fun of yourself, then what fun is life? Keiran has an application for his iPhone where it turns you into an old person. He tweeted it to a couple thousand followers and was trying desperately to get Nikki to retweet it to her 31,000 followers! Whatever, here it is. What. The. Fuck. That is so frightening.

After dinner we went over to the show at the Gibson Ampitheater in Universal Citywalk. They have a one drink per person rule…but then offer a BOTTLE of wine. Well duh. Like I would order a small plastic airplane size cup of wine when I have the option to order the entire bottle. They dump the wine out into a pilsner glass. This is awesome!

Hey guys, when you try to deep throat a hot churro, it hurts. Just letting you know that.

The show was amazing… I was crying laughing, almost peed myself and my face hurt from smiling so big. I won’t ruin it for you in case you have the chance to see her. She is really really fucking funny. A woman in her mid 30s who drinks like a fish, has a potty mouth, loves to talk about ridiculous things, adores midgets and hates kids. We are pretty much the same person except I don’t have a show on E.

Nikki and Keiran went home and 818 and I decided to head over to Howl At the Moon, a dueling piano bar inside of Citywalk. It was packed with annoying people so we left after a little bit. Look at their dress code:

I have never in my life seen #5 on a dress code list. What if I had murdered someone and am now out of jail and I have the little tear drop thing under my eye? Rude.

In 2003 I went to an adult industry tradeshow on the island of Curacao. (pics here) It’s about 40 miles north of Venezuela and is a beautiful quaint island with a strong Dutch influence. Interestingly enough (I forgot to mention this yesterday) that was the one and only time that I had ever attempted to SCUBA. One of the big sponsoring companies was offering a day trip full of activities which included feeding sea turtles and sharks and swimming with dolphins and manta rays. Swimming with dolphins was amazing! It was a really neat experience and I highly recommend it if you ever have a chance to do it. The water is shallow enough, they are not aggressive at all and they love to swim beside you. (obvi) They looped around the pool over and over and nudged us to keep swimming. If you got tired you moved to the edge of the pool and they go nudge someone else.  It was peaceful and made you feel like Jacque fucking Cousteau. However, the rest our days activities included a stinky wetsuit, breathing apparatus, tanks, fins, mask and a basket full of dead fish. I was hungover, wasn’t paying attention to the instructor during the 20 minute SCUBA lesson and once we got into the water I realized the sea turtles were trying to bite my damn fingers off if I put them near the top of the chain link fence separating us. Coupled with the instructor warning me to be careful and not step on the surface of the ocean because of the fish that like to bite and the giant grouper heading towards me the size of Moby Dick… well… needless to say….  I didn’t last very long out there. 2 other girls flipped out and we all frantically swam back to the shore.

Sooooo, prior to me leaving on that trip, boss-man made me promise to do one Bikram yoga class. (If you are unaware of this type of yoga and are too lazy to click that link, I will tell you that it’s conducted in a room heated to 120 degrees and consists of 26 poses that are repeated twice. They look pretty simple, but I can assure you that the human body doesn’t do most of that naturally and without a lot of practice. Oh, and people who do Bikram regularly are like cultists.) I went to the school in Old Town and had a very mean and very strict lady as my teacher. She even went so far as to follow this one dude out to the bathroom when he ran out to vomit. I could hear her talking through her microphone in the studio while she was calling out to him in the men’s bathroom to come back to the class and stick it out. There was another guy who was recovering from knee surgery and she was riding his ass about a pose that he was doing wrong. It was an awkward experience and I never went back.

It’s funny that 7 years later I am attempting to conquer both of these “fears” (for lack of a better word.) I am ready to take on new challenges in life and ready to get past the mental obstacles stopping me from whatever it is that intimidates me. I can no longer use the excuse that I don’t have time to do Bikram.

I attended the 6:30 am class and the teacher was very nice and helpful and of course singled me out so that she could assist me with any confusion I might have about proper posture or posing. She even warned me in the first pose not to strain too hard. This woman was great and I had a great experience. I didn’t even think about wearing my contact lenses and my glasses got hot and were steamed up pretty quickly. I actually had to take them off for many of the poses and as you know, I am fucking blind. I never really got the nauseas feeling that I had last time, perhaps because I was in the first class of the day and maybe the room isn’t quite as hot as a 4:30 pm class mid-summer. It’s quiet, stinky and you can hear the sweat droplets hitting the mat of the people next to you. It is an intense workout for not moving very much and one that burns approximately 1000 calories for someone of my weight. 90 minutes of pure hell, but goddamn it 1000 calories is a long time at the gym doing tedious cardio that I hate.  Even though I have never gone through labor I like to describe Bikram as if it’s like those women who scream in pain and curse their husbands and boyfriends and swear up and down they will never go through anything like that ever again… and then miraculously, when the baby comes out and it’s all over, they say that they will do it again in a heartbeat. Bikram heated yoga is the same thing to me. I wanted to die. My head was throbbing and I felt like I couldn’t go on another minute without fainting and yet, when it was done… I felt amazing and wanted to do it again 4 hours late. (As I write this the next day my leg and neck muscles are getting more sore and tighter by the minute. Ouch.)

I took the train to LA and met my friend Ben for lunch at a French place called Church and State. The food was fucking amazing and several times we caught ourselves saying “That was the best ______ that I have ever had.” The steak tartare was great. I actually added a little bit of salt to mine, but it was pretty damn good on it’s own.

Ben had the sea-bass (Loup de Mer a la Grenobloise) with small cauliflower bits. I made the waiter ask the chef what was in it so I could share it with you all: butter, lemon, capers, parsley, chicken stock and the secret twist was reconstituted raisins in a muscat. I would totally have licked the plate but it wasn’t mine and I didn’t want to freak Ben or the waiter out too bad.

I had the roasted chicken (Poulet Roti) with Brussel Sprouts, small diced ham chunks in a red wine sauce. It was delicious, but did not compare to the sauce of the sea-bass dish.

The cappuccino was out of this world also. Go check this place out for sure. It is super loud if you go during the lunch rush, so if you are looking to do some chitchatting I would hit it after 2:30 pm. It was good to catch up with Ben. He is an amazing photographer who has been working in adult for years but is recently taking the time to work on some cool fine art projects to further his mainstream career. He does weddings, fashion and is working on a project now called Project1site.com where he forces himself to create at least one fine art image every single day for a year. He started on January 1^st and will end on December 31^st. Some days are tough… when you want to curl up in a ball and go to bed because you worked 12 hours and have a head cold, you still have to make that shot. I admire his determination.  I hope that someday we can work together again professionally, whatever that may be.

After lunch we went to Little Tokyo and walked around for a bit before 818 picked me up. Ben and I said our goodbyes and I promised to be in touch as soon as I got back from Australia. 818 and I headed back to his place and I made a reservation for dinner at a placed I had been wanting to try called Lucques on Melrose. I took a quick nap before we were supposed to meet up with Puma Swede and Keiran Lee. At approximately 8:22 as we were walking out the door to meet them for an 8:30 dinner reservation the door slammed shut and 818 realized that he had locked his keys in the apartment. AND his roommate was all the way in Torrance on her way to San Diego for the weekend. Oh that is just awesome. (sound of record scratching) Call the restaurant and cancel the table, Puma and Keiran pick me up while he waits for roommate to come back. We then drive to Katsu-ya to put our name in at 9:10 for a 45 minute to one hour wait. No biggie, that is another place in LA I wanted to try. I kept hearing how it’s the best sushi in the Valley. So we go over to Fox and Hounds for a beer and then head back to the sushi bar in about 45 minutes. ANOTHER FORTY FIVE MINUTES LATER we finally get seated. The food was decent but was definitely not worth an hour and a half wait. The only interesting looking thing we ordered was this soft shell crab thingy with a creamy spicy sauce and it was still pretty average.

Puma was very well behaved and didn’t try to grope me or molest me at all. Now I am beginning to think that it is all Nikki Benz. Hmmmm. Or she read my blog from last time and saw how annoyed I was.

They are such a loving couple.

HA! They are actually both certifiably insane. But I love ‘em!

We thought we would play switcheroo tonight and maybe mix things up a bit. Umm, just kidding.

On a side note, while 818 and I were sitting in the lobby of his building waiting for the key debacle to be resolved I asked him if he cared to know the itinerary for our trip next week. He said “Nah.” I love that he is just going with the flow and trusting me. The only thing he knows is that we are flying to Sydney first and ending in Auckland NZ and driving around in a motorhome for 4 days. We are both a little bit of control freaks so I am amazed that he is not even concerned about this. It is teaching me a valuable lesson in letting go.

My friend needed to come over early on Saturday morning to try on suits for a job interview on Monday. It was merely a formality at her existing job so she didn’t want to spend any money on buying one. Last night we were discussing the logistics of it. She offered to bring coffee and we discussed the fact that it was entirely possible that there might be a few porn stars  in my loft. She wanted to make sure they were ok with babies since she would be showing up at 8 am to do this with her 9 month old. My text to her: 1 coffee=$4. Gas to get downtown=$3. Borrowing a suit=Free. 3 porn stars babysitting while trying on suits=priceless. (I don’t know… it was funny when I sent it. Not so much a few days later while I type this sober.)

The car ride to LA was fun. And by fun, I mean a total and complete nightmare. I was still drunk. Nikki had shoved the stuffed animal monkey that I carry around to take photos with down her pants so it looked like pink pubes sticking out.

The girls were playing a game called “Let’s make the most annoying sounds”. There was a shit load of traffic. I was thirsty. My head hurt. But every once in a while a good head banging song would come on and Nikki would go crazy. And we would laugh our asses off. You can hear Puma squeaking German sounds once in a while. Sounds a little like a sick kitten if you ask me.

I was dropped off at 818′s place and we literally just sat on his couch talking for 3 hours. It was awesome to chill out and do nothing. We didn’t even have the TV on. We were supposed to meet Jenn and the crew for her birthday at this Brazilian place called Bossa Nova on Sunset, but apparently the shit show went on for too long today at Saddle Ranch and none of them could pull it together for dinner. Our options were go to her house and watch them attempt to order in and pray that it be edible…. or go to dinner just the two of us. We chose Crustacean in Beverly Hills.

Inside the place there is a fish tank under the floor. It’s pretty cool and definitely makes the time go by if you are unlucky and are waiting for a table.

The place was packed but somehow when I called 3 minutes before arrival that constituted a reservation of sorts and they seated us immediately. Maybe they recognized me because of my famous food blog. Bwhahahahaha! We started with the appetizer sampler. Clockwise from the left: open faced mini ahi tacos, egg roll shaped things filled with a creamy yummy goodness (I have no idea what the hell was in that), short ribs (nothing like Phil’s in SD, and a little dry), and minced shrimp puffs on a bamboo stick. (Which incidentally squirted and most definitely shot out and hit the man standing behind me.)

I had the Chilean Sea Bass with a ginger sauce (3 stars out of 5)

818 ordered the red snapper with a sun dried tomato Asian pesto sauce. (I wasn’t a fan of his and he wasn’t a fan of mine. It worked out nicely)

Kieran Lee and Puma Swede molesting my pink monkey at Happy Ending in Hollywood.

A very cool shot of Puma in front of the wheel of drink specials. I am kind of in love with this photo.

Oh shit my worlds are colliding… I have straight and gay porn stars in the same venue. Puma, Trevor Knight and Jen with one N.

Tommy watch out for her. I know Trevor thought she was legitimately was a tranny. Lol.

Add Jayden Grey to the mix.

And add yet another porn star, a girl I have known forever named Misty Anderson! It was very strange randomly running into her and her ex, Gunner. They hung out with us all night. I am quite sure they were confused when an entire entourage of gay men walked into the straight bar and attacked me and 818. Anyways, Misty’s boobs are amazing. And no, she is not really that tall. I am just trying to get closer to her tits.

She is gorgeous, sweet, all natural and a country girl who rides horses. What is not to love about her?

HAHA! I am so mesmerized by these things. I think every bar needs one.

I didn’t get any photos of the physical abuse I endured tonight from Swenz. At one point, I was seriously exhausted from defending myself. It is funny for the first 10 minutes, but I was really just tired. They had worn me out. I went to the bathroom to escape them and they left the bar knowing I was over it. Good. Maybe they will chill out next time I see them. geeeez.

Half of our crew ditched Jenn to go to Here Lounge down the street. Jonathan, 818 and I decided to stick by Jenn and hang out with her. She merely requested ONE night to stay away from the gay bars. We had to honor her birthday request.

It was fun and not as annoying as I thought it would be. Maybe because I was a little tipsy. Tipsy enough for road head on the way home. (**wink**)

Lisa Ann was in the office today for a meeting and Nikki Benz and Puma Swede were scheduled for webcam. We had coordinated the whole thing so that the three of them and Lauren and I could go tear up San Diego after their day was over. They all stayed at the Se Hotel (the place is sexy and fun despite that Sunday morning that the bartender pissed me off so bad.) After work while Nikki and Puma were still stuck doing their live shows, Lisa Ann, Lauren, Baker and Erin met up at Bareback for happy hour. Lisa’s friend Joy was also in town and her other friend John who is a sommelier for a vineyard in Northern CA. I am such a dickhead that I lost his card in the last 5 days. I will have to get his info from Lisa Ann because he invited me to a really cool event in Sacramento and I need to see my friends that live up there anyways….

Here is Lisa Ann posing with a famous downtown character that we affectionately call “The Chief.” He was actually on my Twitter/Photo/Scavenger Hunt list last year on my birthday.  He appears to be Native American Indian and he never wears a shirt, no matter what time of the year it is. Tonight he was sporting the Mexican wrestling mask. This is a new look for him. Perhaps he had a zit he was trying to hide.

Ok so happy hour turned into sushi at Taka… we were so hungry and buzzed that I totally forgot to take pics of the food. But it doesn’t really matter because I eat there like every 3 weeks now and order the same fucking thing. Uni, Special Battera roll, Special Eel roll, toro… etc… I would love to know what is so funny is this picture.

I also would love to know what she is sassing Baker about. Again, Baker proclaimed that this was one of the best meals of his life. I am proud to say that I am truly teaching this heathen how to live. He had never had toro before. I am happy to be responsible for this.

Joy

…and then we trekked over to the Se to meet up with The Swenz. You can sound it out and figure out with minimal effort that that is Swede and Benz. When they are out together causing havoc you have Swenz.

It’s amazing how tall she really is. Baker is almost 6 foot 6.

They are only mildly harassing me at this point in the evening.

And here still yet, it’s fun to be around them. In fact, I invited Nikki to sit on my lap for a funny picture as if she is giving me a lap dance. Lisa Ann is always behaved and dignified.

Where the hell was Lauren ?

This guy was awesome. He was a Borat sort of looking character… we thought he was a mime because he was dancing around and not speaking. It was bizarre. I will have a gram of whatever he is having please!

James and Lauren

Swenz is still relatively behaved.

And then a little rougher. You should see the shit on their cameras. I am fighting with all of my might to keep my shirt on. Explain to me why I hang out with them? They had a $100 bet with someone that they could lick my nipple. Hahaha!

Swedish Fish, of course.

Puma makes the most awesome faces! Love it

And this photo is in honor of my niece who went to the hospital once when she was 5 for sticking a bean up her nose.

Baker was too drunk to drive so we took a cab back to my loft and I made him stay the night on the sofa. We cranked the music for a while (neighbors are still gone!) and in the morning he woke up utterly confused and told someone later that he thought he woke up at Target. I laughed all day when I heard that one. My loft is like Target and Michaels on mushrooms.

Dinner before the show was at The Foundry on Melrose. For those of you who have been reading for a while you might know that my friend Eric Greenspan is the owner and executive chef and every time I am in LA I try to make it over here for some delicious eats. 818′s little step-brother flew into town so we were dragging him around for the night trying to show him a good time as well.

We ordered the grilled cheese sandwich again (check out the blog from a while back if you don’t remember), and we ordered the Tots. (cheesy puffs of goodness)

Greeny stopped by and asked us what we ordered and I got the death stare when I told him tots and grilled cheese…. soooo…. other dishes just started arriving. Braised pork belly… this time was huge and more awesome than the last time I got it. Dang.

Tuna

He also sent out some little biscuits and something else which I forgot to take a photo of. Fail. For my entree I had the monkfish, which was out of this world. I had only tried it one other time and it was raw and nasty so I was a little nervous. Cooked fish is always a gamble for me. I love things un-cooked ya know. It had the texture of lobster almost. And the sauce was light and frothy. Very good.

818 had the duck breast, which was Greeny’s recommendation.

and 818′s little brother had the burger. Which just so happens to be the #1 burger in Los Angeles right now. Congrats Greeny! Check this link. He serves 4 mini burgers on 4 mini buns, that are not seperated. The garnishes are a carmelized onion mixture, not sure what the white sauce is, and then a relish of apple and fennel. Good shit.

So off to the awards! Puma Swede and Nikki Benz attacking me within 3.2 seconds of seeing me.

818 and his brother, but look to the left… I DIDN”T EVEN NOTICE MANUEL FERRARA! Damn it! I would have gone up to him and gotten a hug and a smooch! fuck!

The lovely Phoenix Marie

I looked like dogshit in this next photo so I cut myself out of it because Phoenix is so beautiful.

Keiran Lee looking dashing and despite his non stop harrassing of me, I actually like the guy.

I finally met Georgia Jones…. wow what a knockout. Stay tuned for her on live/webcam.

Brynn Tyler and Kagney Linn Karter. Congrats KLK on your contract… we will miss you for the next 2 years I have a soft spot in my heart for her because we shot her very first scene and she turned into an utter superstar.

Bridgette B looking stunning as well

and my favorite Brit Kerry-Louise! I am not sure what we are doing in this picture. I know 818′s little brother has a pic on his camera of us doing something ridiculous to her new tits. I will see if I can get ahold of it.

Here is Bad Artie, one of the 5 finalists who ran for Naughty President.

After a while, I got the urge to hang out with some gay men so we went to Mickys to meet up with some friends. A fellow fag hag named Ashley and Diesel Washington and his boy toy. My god Diesel is huge and hot and sadly very gay.

Papa Howard and Octomom pose for a photo

We only stayed for one drink before heading over to Here Lounge. On the way I saw this hilariously small patch of grass for dogs to pee and poop on. So funny!

One final drink with Chi-Chi La Rue and Jason Sechrest before I head back to San Diego. It’s been a long week in LA, a city that I don’t even like.

I took a photo of this hot go-go dancer and he had the nerve to flip me off! Hey, buddy you are the one standing on a box shaking your ass with almost nothing on. F off if you don’t want any photos taken of you then go work at Starbucks. Sheesh.

Tommy and I met Jason Curious and some other boys at Basix for a quick breakfast this morning before we hit our meeting with the PR company. I inhaled my eggs benedict since I had only eaten a handful of Pringles for dinner last night. We spent the better part of Friday planning the rest of our launch parties and booking all of the travel for the upcoming trip to New Orleans! I can’t tell you how excited I am to be going to NOLA for Mardi Gras. The gay end of Bourbon Street is not even going to know what hit it. I finished up a few hours of work stuff and then we headed to Fiesta Cantina for a quick snack. I was not about to ruin my dinner at Cut by filling up on nachos. (Although I did a number on the queso and dips)

Ok, let’s move onto the important things in life. I met Nikki Benz, Puma Swede and Diana Doll for dinner in Beverly Hills at Wolfgang Puck’s Cut steakhouse. You know how I feel about this place if you have been following me for a few weeks. The menus at the LA location are a great concept, except that the portraits of the celebrities are all fairly unflattering. I wonder who the photographer is. I could look it up, but honestly, I think the pictures are kind of awkwardly ugly.

Nikki ordered the crab cocktail (too much mayonaise for my liking. I can’t believe I even said that. I love mayo)

Filet mignon carpaccio (notice the shaved black truffles on top)

The last time I ate the bone marrow flan I was gobbling it up so fast I didn’t even eat it the way it is supposed to be eaten! Apparently you put this mushroom tapenade on the toast and then put the flan on top. I made all three of the girls try it (reluctantly) and guess what? They all loved it. So for those of you who think I am disgusting and eat weird shit… don’t knock it til you try it.

And the love of my life, my soul mate:  kobe beef sashimi. Again, all three of them tried it and loved it. So much so that I had to order another one for myself. Sheesh.

At this point, I was living in la-la land if I thought I would even put a dent in my steak. And AGAIN I fucked up and forgot to tell them to serve it to me on a cold plate. By the time it arrived it was waaaayyy overdone. I was annoyed at myself.

The most exciting part of my evening was guiding Nikki into ordering the American Wagyu beef and talking her into ordering it medium instead of medium well. She, like many many people, gets freaked out by the blood on the plate and orders their shit medium well or well done. It sends me into orbit knowing that a steak tastes SO MUCH BETTER on the rare side. If you can get past the texture and the color, you will never go back to well done. I promise you… when you are at a dinner with someone who eats their steak rare, just be brave and ask for a little taste. You will not regret it. I am trying, one steak eater at a time, to change the world.

Dessert was delicious marscapone filled donuts with strawberries and ice cream.

After our very late night dinner we went into the bar for a little bit and that is when I discovered this older woman attacking her date. Oh man, it was awesome. I had Nikki pose so I could capture them on the left side of the frame.

At this point, I am pretty sure she was onto me.

Two couples: me and Nikki are fighting and Puma and Diana are newlyweds.

Thanks girls for a fun night! Nikki drove me back to the Roosevelt where earlier I am 99.9% sure I was in the elevator with a famous rapper or hip hop artist. The Grammy’s are in town this weekend and the hotel is filled with famous musicians. Obviously none that I could identify. The cars in the valet are bright and have loud motors and hip-hop blaring out of them. Totally not my scene. Bling and baggy jeans. No thanks.

I slept in til 11:00 am. What a lazy bum.

Last night was the latest night so far… I think we went to bed at 5:30 am. I slept in til about 12pm, fucked til about 2pm and dragged my ass to the lobby bar at 4pm. I am seriously busted, have no voice and have no interest in speaking to people that I am never going to do business with. I dodged a few people that don’t recognize me with my new look (20 pounds lighter, long hair and smaller wire glasses) and I said hi to a few folks from the biz that I actually do care about. I had a few drinks and rallied the boys for dinner at Yellowtail at Bellagio. But first we had to check out the conservatory…..

The botanical gardens at Bellagio change every few months and are intricately decorated to whatever seasonal thing is going on… alas we are just on the heels of The Year of the Tiger in the Chinese Calendar.

It was under construction but I can assure you when I go back next month for the kobe beef sashimi, I will stop by and give you a better understanding of the beauty of this place.

For some reason the other night at 3 am Puma Swede decided to start calling me Octomom. I think it was the nerdy striped sweater that inspired her. I dunno. It stuck on Twitter for a few days, but like most of my ridiculous nicknames, people get bored easily and move on. Here I am with my eight children

And onto the important things in life: booze and food!

We (meaning me) couldn’t decide on what foo-foo cocktails to order so I had them bring one of everything for us to rotate around the table and sample.

I am pretty sure this was tempura crab (crap when you blog 8 days later you forget shit)

Ahi tuna pizza SMOTHERED IN WHITE TRUFFLE OIL (yes, I made them bring out another one!)

Yellowtail serrano in ponzu sauce (not bad)

Another beef tartare tataki thingy FAR INFERIOR to Cut.

More yummy stuff that I cannot remember for the life of me. That looks like toro for sure. (the fatty part of the tuna,  called tuna belly)

Uni and oyster shooters! Deeeelish.

annnnndddddd, the entire reason we came to this place! The crunchy roll that has Pop Rocks in it! It is such a weird sensation to have in your mouth A) after so many years of not even remembering this candy B) having it combined with fish and/or rice. It’s definitely a novelty item, so by all means, if you aren’t already AT the Bellagio, don’t make a special trip over there. If you are in the neighborhood and are hungry, then definitely check it out. The best thing this place has going for it is the view of the water show. In the summer it’s amazing if you are sitting outside and can hear the music.

And we are off to one more night of hell! And by hell I mean drinking heavily at Pirahna and staying out late while screaming at each other in a club filled with smoke and annoying wasted people. Ok, perhaps I am one of the screaming annoying wasted people… but hey! I try to make everyone enjoy themselves by funnelling alcohol down their throats. Meet Drew Cutler… our unofficial contract boy for Suite 703.

The greatest thing ever (well, aside from the light table thingy from last night) a screen that shows your text messages. Apparently, this is all the rage and I am just living under a rock….

And lastly, one of my favorite Suite 703 actors Tommy Defendi trying to violate me. I love my job!

Tommy and Jen came to get me at about 11:30 am so we could go to this awesome street vendor food fair and by the time we got there and walked up to the ticket booth they were sold out. Epic fail. In my drunken stupor last night, I forgot my credit card at Bareback and had to stop by there this morning for a bloody beer so that might have been the exact time that we wasted and which made us late to the street fair. Pissed! We went to Princess Pub instead and I ordered the fish and chips along with an Irish cider called Magners that Jen and Tommy introduced to me! Deee lish! Perfect for hangover days …

We got on the road to LA around 1:30 and headed to the Standard in Hollywood. Today was Nikki Benz’s birthday celebration at Coco DeVille nightclub which is owned by the delicious STK so we caravaned up to celebrate it with her! Lauren and James, Chris, Tommy, the Jenns, Jonathan, Hannah, Adam and I met at the hotel bar and we attempted to walk over to what I thought was Boa Steakhouse a few blocks away. Another failed attempt at dining today. Apparently they moved and the new owners haven’t quite set up. The Grafton is the new place and they only served cafe food. Arrrgggh. We kept walking and finally settled on the lounge at Ketchup. I ordered the white truffle mac and cheese with crab.

It was pretty good actually. Lauren ordered the vegetarian pasta-less lasagna. Umm wouldn’t that just be called a pile of vegetables with sauce? Tommy ordered the sausage and wild mushroom saffron risotto. Bland, flavorless and disappointing.

We went to the club and of course I got mauled by Puma Swede. It was fun hanging out with her and Kieran Lee and it was great to see Scott Nails after many years.

I barely saw Nikki Benz at all. This is her and her gay bff

Puma grabbed my camera (for those of you paying attention: the big fancy Nikon, not the small point and shoot. D’oh!) and proceeded to take about a hundred photos of us. Finally the bouncer came over and asked me to put it away because you weren’t allowed to have those types of camera in this joint. I was very confused so I went to another security guy and asked for an explanation. The manager came to tell me that since this place very celebrity friendly they ask other people there not to have cameras with lenses as big as mine so that the celebrity patrons don’t think that they have allowed paparazzi in. Oh my god, this is so Los Angeles. Give me a fucking break.

On that note, I will leave you with this picture.