Saturday June 12, 2010

Today’s plan to work on our tans by the pool (as opposed to the other days haha!) was foiled by clouds and drizzle. We only got about 45 minutes of sunshine the whole day. Total bummer. What wasn’t a bummer were the hot guys hanging out by the pool for us to gawk at! For example…this Vince Vaughn/Couples Retreat look alike. Delicious. When Lisa sent her business card over via the waiter you should have seen this guy sprint over to our cabana. I mean like full on sprint. That’s the best shot I could get of him since having a big ass camera at the topless pool might cause a ruckus.

Ron Jeremy was being mauled by fans for autographs and pictures.

Here he is having what appears to be a very uncomfortable conversation with a super fan. Moments later he was asked to leave the premises for exposing himself to her behind the cabanas! Real classy.

Dear Lord I hope this guy finds this blog one day.

Billy telling ridiculous stories about a guy in jail. He was telling us all about how he came to own a nightclub in Cancun and how involved he is with the distillery process of his tequila company Ambhar. If you give two shits about tequila it’s an interesting read. Lisa Ann and I are seriously discussing going down there for an annual Friends Of Bill weekend in September. I really don’t know what this entails but it sure sounds like fun and I have never been to Cancun so what the hell.

Billy offered to take us to dinner at a place called Mastro’s in the new super futuristic City Center. It reminds me of the movie Gattaca! So sterile and strange.

The designer of the restaurant’s “treehouse” is David Rockwell.

On a side note I have never… in all the years that I have known Lisa… see her get so excited about ANYTHING, let alone food. She was talking about the food and what she was going to eat the entire time in the cab on the way there. She was mentally and emotionally consumed with the meal that was about to take place and I gotta tell ya… I was a little nervous because she had hyped it up SO MUCH. I really did not want to be let down. I mean steak is steak, right? (ha… you know I am kidding about that)

We ordered the Cosmo served with dry ice for a fun little presentation.

Seafood tower with several different types of crab, lobster, oysters and caviar. Billy looks like he is going to murder this tower.

The guy on the left is someone that Billy calls AJ (Angry Jew) who runs something important over at Venetian and Palazzo. I forget what he does exactly. Interesting dude from Brooklyn… loved his east coast attitude and style. Lisa and Billy were starving so you have 2 very annoyed diners in this photo reluctantly posing for my picture.

From the left lobster mashed potatoes, bone-in filet ( I had never had that before! It was amazing), steamed asparagus (for the first time it did not make my piss smell funny) and the winner of the night: black truffle gnocchi with lobster. I  forgot to order my steak on a cold plate (AGAIN) but luckily they brought one to me pretty quickly and my steak was done perfectly so I was happy. The potatoes were awesome but what isn’t awesome with lobster added to it? And the gnocchi… well that was a religious experience. I literally woke up in the middle of the night wishing that I had stolen the leftovers from Billy’s bag just so I could have the gnocchi. It was out of this fucking world.

Dessert was vanilla bean creme brulee and an unbelievably delicious warm butter cake (their signature dish) with the perfect amount of sweet and salty. Topped with their homemade whipped cream… oh my god. We all left in a massive food coma.

It was still really early so we went back to our hotel/homes to take naps and guess what? I am still fighting this head cold and I knew that my 8am flight would come all too soon, so I chose wisely and stayed in. I guess I am getting old because this is 2 out of 3 nights in Vegas where I am in bed for the night before 9pm.

Thursday June 10, 2010

I flew to Las Vegas this morning so I could be Lisa Ann’s “roadie” for the next 2 days. There is an unconventional convention going on by the pool at the Hard Rock Hotel where fans can mingle amongst their favorite porn stars from 11:00 am til 5:00pm. Normally a show like this is in a huge convention hall and the girls sign their 8x10s, pose for pictures and chit chat until the next guy in line gets antsy and wants his turn. This was completely different and a much more interactive way for the fans to hang out. Generally they don’t serve alcohol at the shows and all you do is walk from booth to booth. This one had a full bar, a performance by Too Short and a bikini contest! It was really cool and a brillliant idea and surprisingly none of the fans were out of control drunk or disrespectful…not that I saw.

To start the day like a proper “Bitch-For-The-Weekend” I bought Lisa Ann flowers at the airport and they classy-ly went straight into the Fiji bottle.

We dragged a bunch of merchandise to the cabanas by the pool (DVDs, 8x10s and a Polaroid camera) but it was so goddamn windy that we just left everything in the bags and Lisa ended up signing the things that fans brought on their own.

She did some interviews…

Lisa Ann and Sunny Leone…the sweetest girl in the business! I have known her for years and there is not a mean bone in her body. She is Indian and is absolutely stunning. I have a confession to make. About 6 years ago somehow our tongues ended up in each other’s mouths for approximately a millisecond before I freaked out. And that, my friends, is my one and only lesbian experience.

Wow. Brave guy.

I have no idea who this civilian is but she is gorgeous.

Too Short played a short set. (no pun intended, it was really quick)

Misty Anderson who took her heels off to make me look less like a midget.

If this isn’t fan interaction I don’t know what is!? Phoenix Marie loves her fans!

Monique Alexander, Kagney Linn Karter and Lexi Belle

Brynn Tyler who is absolutely hysterical. I forget how funny she is til I run into her every few months. She is threatening to move to San Diego in January

Brynn’s cute butt.

Brynn and Mia Lelani didn’t want to watch the bikini contest up front standing with their heels on so I made them their own little VIP section.

Here is an interesting conversation between Brynn and Mark about Mark’s ex gf Lia. Apparently Brynn and Lia worked together and Mark is harassing Brynn about it. (“worked together” means they had sex on camera together) Now…Mark has been in this business long enough to know the difference between on-camera sex and off-camera sex and still told me that he was discussing how Brynn and Lia “slept together.” What a dork. Unless they woke up spooning, it was work, Mark.

Anyways, it was fun to watch him try to block his face as he realized I was taking photos of him.

Bring Back the Whale!

No comment regarding the emcee of the bikini contest. At least he wore something other than that black tshirt, black sweat pants and house slippers. Jesus Ron, get it together.

The judges: Lisa, Kagney and Sunny

Little Lupe Fuentes who is small enough to be a Cirque du Soleil performer.

I know this looks like Lisa is grabbing her ass, but it’s just the way the shot was taken. In fact, I don’t even think that is Lisa’s hand. And it really looks like Lisa needs a stiff cocktail right about now.

Whenever I am at a bikini contest (I know this sounds funny, but I actually have been to about 5 or 6 of them over the years) I like to take a shot of the contestants from the back of the stage. There is this one photo I took in Ft Lauderdale of a bunch of butts in bikinis and they were all tan except one girl. About 6 months later I received a viral email WITH MY OWN PHOTO and the caption was “Which of these girls is from Minnesota?” It was pretty funny actually. I need to dig that up.

And the winner… of course…Little teeny tiny Lupe.

Look at these tramps running back to their booth with the VIP section.

Claudia-Marie’s giant boobs. She and her husband are swingers and he relentlessly tries to get me to “sleep with them.”

Crap I didn’t realize Lisa Ann was so tall.

Oh wait, nevermind, she is a midget just like me. I was complimenting Lexi Belle on her recent addition to her butt area and she attributed it to Newcastle and cheese. lol! I love her.

And I wouldn’t want to deny the ladies and the gay guys who read this…

These guys must be from Europe.

I was amazed at the amount of normal looking hot guys that were there! I mean, like no creepy trolly dudes really at all. Well maybe a few, but overall it was a good looking bunch.

This guy was so cute when he first came up to meet Lisa Ann he handed me his camera and asked me to take a picture and his hands were shaking so bad. It was adorable. I would totally bang this guy.

Lisa Ann and I are staying at Mandalay Bay (away from the porn nonsense) and we were so freaking hungry we went and pigged out at the buffet at 5:30pm. (haha early bird special for the senior ladies) I am fighting a head and chest cold so we called it a night and went to our rooms at 6:30 pm. That’s a first for Vegas. I woke up and caught some reruns of 30 Rock and The Office and then dozed off until about 1:00am when the heathens next door to me woke me up because of a fist fight/brawl. It didn’t last very long but I definitely heard a bunch of dudes screaming at each other “get off me” and then a girl screaming and some running down the halls and then a girl screaming someone’s first and last name repeatedly. I was about to call sakurity but it ended. Idiots. Control your liquor.

Thursday 1.7.10

I apologize for not blogging during the trip, but let’s not kid ourselves… each and every day is packed with meetings, parties, the show floor, lengthy dinners and hours on end at the casino bar. Which of course, turns into 5 am and then forces me to sleep til noon. Rough life.

Tommy and I arrived mid afternoon on Thursday and went to our respective rooms and did some work and waited for Lauren and my nephew Pat to show up. You might be wondering why on earth my nephew would be joining me at a porn convention…. well I will tell you! Because I am the devil! No seriously, I have 7 nieces and nephews ranging in age from 13 to 27. When they turn 21 they get a weekend away with Aunt Laura.  Most of them choose Las Vegas and most of them choose this particular weekend. My sisters pretty much hate me for this.

We were staying at the Palazzo, which is the sister hotel to the Venetian.

Tommy had a room reservation issue so he ended up at the Venetian…it was so funny when he called to tell me that he thought they had a mix up and gave him too big of a room by accident. The basic room is a suite with a sunken living room and a huge couch, a desk and a dining table. It is seriously the nicest “basic” hotel room that I have ever stayed in. (well aside from the Burj Al Arab, but that’s another story altogether)

The four of us went to Morel’s French Steakhouse for dinner. I wasn’t about to order a steak at a French restaurant so I opted for a few appetizers.

Foie Gras (not bad)

Escargot (eh)

Steak tartare (very good! but not as good as the place I went to in NYC with 917)

For sides we shared mushrooms, mac-n-cheese, and artichoke hearts

After dinner we went to Rok inside of New York, New York to the Naughty America /Ron Jeremy party. I really have no idea what that means except the club promoters were borrowing both our names to get heads in the door. Naughty America only has one Ron Jeremy scene and that was simply for the novelty of it. No one really watches this guy to jerk off anymore, let’s be real.

Lauren had arranged a deal with the promoter that we would have our site logos playing on screens all night around the club so as we walked up I snapped a pic of the uber famous Lauren from Live with Lauren. hahahaa! love it

Once we got inside the logos were larger than life and were pretty awesome!

Thank you Pierre for all of your years working with us and getting us some awesome publicity! Love you!

Ok, now here is where things get awkward. You can’t really see but I am grabbing Ron Jeremy’s crotch in this photo. Apparently that was his cue to stick his tongue in my mouth. Umm, yeah I am all set with that buddy.

Ron on stage giving us props…

Later that night, Tommy and I expressing our love to each other

And yet even later, at the Circle Bar at the Venetian, Tory Lane and Carly Parker showed up to give Pat some love.

We stumbled to bed around 3 or 4 am I think… I dunno. I was just happy that 818 was in town