Wednesday 1.06.10

I just want to say that I think my family members should stop reading this blog. I just want to put that out there.

In 2008 my best friend convinced me to sign up for “It’s Just Lunch” so that I could attempt to meet people outside of my industry. I had been dating people in porn for years and it was time to meet a nice guy who worked a normal job. I went on 21 blind dates over the course of the 12 months. It carried over into 2009 briefly before the service ran out.  Most of the dates were total train-wrecks and I swear it was like they were pulling my name out of a hat each time. Now they are blowing my shit up trying to get me to come back… for some reason they seem to have magically found a bunch of guys for me that are just perfect. Really? That’s weird, because ya struck out every single time before!! I went out with a guy who talked about himself the whole time and literally did not ask me one thing about myself, a guy who was not even divorced yet, a guy who had cerebral palsy and the best one: a guy who was in AA. On all of these dates I was very upfront and honest about what I do for work and it was either a deal breaker for them or became the focus of conversation for the next 30 minutes.

I had a brief “relationship” in the spring which was the only semblance of a “b-word” that has occurred in the last 3 years since I broke it off with Tony. It was casual and fun at first, but became complicated and before it got too messy, it ended. Right after that I connected with someone from my past who I thought I was absolutely meant to be with. On paper we would be the perfect couple. We saw each other several times over the summer (long distance) and I can’t put my finger on it, but there was a disconnect between us. The sex was amazing, but in retrospect I think that was pretty much the extent of it. We lead totally different lives and operate at very different paces. The last time I spoke to him he informed me that he was not having casual sex at the moment, which I assumed meant he was in a relationship. That is not the case…. I think I might have actually drove a man to celibacy. Wow.

Throughout the year I continued to check off things on my sexual “to-do” list. I learned a new trick in the bedroom, had sex with a black man (actually 2, but not at the same time, let’s not get crazy here), had sex with a sports celebrity (no, not Tiger) and tried anal sex a few times. This year I would like to be tied up, have someone jizz on my glasses, have sex in public (on a subway would be ideal) and maybe even make a sex tape.

While I sometimes think about Sunday nights and how great it would be to snuggle on the couch and eat popcorn with a boyfriend, I am not sure if  that’s for me right now.  Of course if the right person comes along, things could change, but right now the thought of dealing with boyfriend issues and the horseshit that goes along with explaining yourself all the time makes me want to vomit. Several of my past relationships failed because I have always put my career before “us”. (hey I have a question… am I doing this too often?) The reality is I have made my own success in life and I am not going to rely on a man to take care of my ass later in life, so yeah, my career is #1. I don’t have a dog to worry about any longer and I have a sense of freedom that I haven’t felt in a long long time. Don’t get me wrong, I would like to get married one day but I simply don’t have the biological clock ticking, nor is there even a battery in said clock. I would have to say that traveling is the biggest issue. It would be awesome to just pick up and go away for the weekend with someone that I cared about, had great sex with and who could take the time off at will. Someone with no strings attached who isn’t looking to make babies and lock down. I wish I had a romantic someone that I could take with me and enjoy the new places that I explore. For example when I go to Australia in March, it would be fantastic to have someone to share it with me. A romantic walk on the beach in the reclusive Whitsunday Islands isn’t going to be the same with my brother and his wife. My goal for 2010 is to go on a bunch more blind dates and write a book or screenplay. I think it might sell. Do I hope that the dates are stupid and messy? I confess… yes. That way they are more interesting for the writing

I had a fun year, despite the fact that I didn’t get to go on a big international vacation. I got to see my family a little bit since I was back east several times.  I was in Boston, NYC, CT, Las Vegas, Fire Island, Ft. Lauderdale and Georgia on business and pleasure trips this year. I found myself missing the East Coast a few times (of course only during the warm months) and even considered if I could ever live there again. I am missing my sisters, brother and nephews/nieces a lot. But then I wake up in San Diego one morning and its 70 degrees in November and I smack myself in the face for thinking about living anywhere else.

I threw a party in February where everyone had to dress up as a Saturday Night Live character. I have since changed the name of the site to Pop Culture Parties because I am not stopping now! No costume, no admittance. I rented out the Tivoli Bar for the  night on 2/7/2009 and decorated the place with giant posters of Tina Fey, Lorne Michaels, and had all kinds of other stuff hanging around from the show. A custom menu featuring things like cheesborger/cheesborgers and of course music playing only by bands that have played on the show. Costume prizes in several categories including most accurate, oldest, newest and someone even managed to stump me and come as someone I had never heard of. Also there was a special appearance by Miss Swan from MadTV. Check out the video… it’s pretty fucking funny. I went as Ed Grimley and to ensure total accuracy I got contact lenses and dyed my hair jet black. I take my costume parties very seriously. I want to thank Ernesto for going all out as Mr Peepers. Super duper creepy how awesome and accurate he was. Nice work!

I also take my “Top Chef” cooking parties very seriously. Every few weeks several of my close friends come to my house to compete against each other in various challenges. My favorite one of 2009 was the one where I had ripped all of the labels off canned goods and they were forced to make something edible out of the cans they picked. It was pretty gross actually. My birthday weekend “Top Chef” challenge was to prepare my last supper. My friends totally impressed me. I gorged myself on bacon, foie gras, filet mignon, lobster, chocolate and literally ended up in the ER the next day with heart palpitations. The nurse was less than sympathetic and told me that I had “party heart”. I was like look, bitch, if I didn’t have party heart from the 762 hits of ecstasy I did in my 20’s then I certainly don’t have it now. A bunch of water cured me, so yeah, she was right, I was dehydrated. I haven’t had any problems since then but it’s better to be safe than sorry. That same week in June I had a hernia operation which kind of halted my consistent workouts. I had been doing really well losing weight and then around June just kinda gave up. I have been very lucky in that I have managed to keep the 20 pounds I lost in 2008 off. Despite the excessive drinking and eating that I do… it’s actually baffling to me how that works.  That’s another goal for this year, lose that last 15 pounds, but fuck it’s just such a pain in the ass to walk 6 blocks to the gym at 6 am when it’s dark and cold. brrrr.

In September I hosted another successful costume party: The 80’s Movie Character Night!  (I have yet to post the video and pics from that, I know I suck) Again, taking this to another level is the only way to do it. I bought a flux capacitor and also rented a Delorean for the night and went as Doc Brown from Back to the Future. I rented out The Local on the Sunday of Labor Day weekend and had an 80’s DJ spinning, the bar was decorated with movie posters, and I had movies playing on all the TVs. It was a blast and some of the costumes were just fantastic! Costume prizes were awarded for various things (all of which are made up by me during the night and are sometimes very silly) and most everyone takes it as seriously as me. I have to admit though, I am a total bitch if you don’t play by the rules. I was hissing at the girl who showed as Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction. Her date said “Oh I though the Evite said 80’s and 90’s!”  No, it didn’t jackass.

Some of the highlights of the year include: moving downtown and living the loft life, discovering my new favorite boy band The McLovins, the resurrection of our gay porn company, and the success of Naughty America and the Holly Sampson video putting us on the map. 2010 is going to be an incredible year for me because I am going to continue to find ways to put my creativity to good use. I am not sure how exactly at this moment, but thank you for reading and following me. I will kick up the antics a notch this year.

Happy New Year to all 20 of you who actually read this. Be safe. Succeed.

Thursday 12.31.09

I literally did not have a clue as to what I was doing until 5:30 pm. I had my hair cut and colored and straightened today by Becky at Salon Bordeaux and after my appointment, I went back to work to finish up a few things. At 5:30 pm I made a plan to go to Ruth’s Chris steakhouse with Joe, Vanessa and Big E. The 619 kid from the airplane was blowing my shit up today but I don’t think I want to spend New Years Eve with someone that I barely know especially if I am not sure if I even want to go there.

They were fucking slammed and it took forever to seat us and then my “blue” steak was over done because it spent so much time cooking on the 500 degree plate. Fail. I learned that I should order the steak on a cold plate next time. I hadn’t been there in years and I had forgotten how awesome it is to have your steak in a bed of butter.

Big E had a nice bottle of wine that he brought and shared with us, and we guzzled down a few other bottles. By the time we got to the Local we were all well on our way to being ripped. Jason and Jarin were there

and at  midnight I had a kiss on each cheek from each of them. Awwww!

What the hell are we laughing at!?

Check out this guy’s tacky Chrismas sweater. He was cute, too bad I cut off his head.

I went to a loft party with Jarin and Jason but got bored and I was pretty well drunk by then so I walked home and stumbled into the Chee-Chee again. This living downtown thing is dangerous. Jessica was there and she introduced me to another neighbor. I can’t remember anyone’s names though, I only remember the unit number! haha

Saturday 11.21.09

I woke up today with a mild case of heartburn and I was cursing the Lord himself before my feet even hit the ground. Why in holy hell would I get heartburn for the first time in easily 10 months on the morning of the most important food and alcohol ingesting day of the year?? Why do you hate me God? Why? Is it because I produce porn for a living? I know I cut a deal with the devil and that is why I look young for my age, but really? Heartburn on the morning of the food and wine festival? I swear I will never ask for anything ever again.

And with just three tums, my religious spat was over   My faith had been restored.

The guys were installing the TVs at my place and being super duper loud with the saws and the drilling and the white dust flying. HAHA! Yes, I am renting. Oh well, the magic of drywall. I am hoping to have the shit working so I can lay on the sofa with Chris and watch the entire season of Top Chef tomorrow.  I know, its tragic that I have only seen the first episode of this most recent season. I don’t even want to talk about this. And please, no one tell me who wins. Not that I will even know who you are talking about at this point.

We arrived at the festival late for the early admission. Something else I don’t want to talk about. Grabbed our tacky plastic Union Bank plates (Sean, you are so dumb for fighting me on the plate all day… ) and our Viejas wine glasses and off we went.

The first things were rather disappointing. I spit the first thing out of my mouth because it literally tasted  like a Milk-Bone dog biscuit. Of course I know what those taste like. Duh. I would never have fed my dog something without trying it first. She was a foodie, too, she just couldn’t communicate it to me.

The highlights of the day I can tell you were the following:

The lambchop (shit, it’s been a week and a half and I forgot where this was from! oops)

The uni custard puff from Brasserie !! (don’t know what “uni” is? look it up lol)

The amazing bacon and shrimp Gourmet taco from Rubios of all places! I can’t even believe that I never thought to put bacon in a taco. Duh!

(also the raw scallop… very very brave)

The LTP award went to the Westgate Hotel’s dessert… a cheescake type thing with a caramel pomegranate sauce. I don’t like pomegranates nor do I like the restaurant inside the hotel called Fontainebleau … but guess what?  I licked this plate clean. As you can see I am not the only one who fell in love.

There were tons of edible things but nothing truly amazing jumped out at me. It is difficult to pull off a massive amount of something very small in a timely manner. Most places were either too ambitious for the event or not ambitious enough. I know that might not make sense, but this event is getting bigger and bigger every year, so with little of no experience you might just fail. The mini cupcake people have no excuse for failing. How can you fuck up a cupcake the size of a donut hole? Jesus, its only that big, you better make it moist. Sheesh… I just get so bummed out when I gleefully put the red velvet near my mouth and I end up with dry ickyness.

We stumbled back to my place and Sean and Michelle decided they were hungry and wanted to get Mexican food! Whaaat? We engaged in some ping-pong, had several rounds of visitors, tried on wedding dresses, ordered pizza to be delivered from DIRECTLY across the street, and finally went bar hopping to the Chee-Chee, The Local and Bareback. Jarin walked me home at the end of the night because I was speaking in tongues.

Today is the day that my father died 16 years ago. When we were doing something particularly enriching or fun he would say “I wonder what the poor people are doing?”

Friday 10.30.09- Sunday 11.01.09 (sorry I have been slacking!)

Typically, Halloween is a really big deal for me and if I can’t come up with something super duper awesome or funny, I just skip it. In the last 8 months I have hosted two very successful costume parties. 2/07/09 was the SNL Party and 9/06/09 was the 80′s Movie Character Party. One day when I have nothing to talk about I will blog in detail about my maniacal attention to detail when hosting costume parties….

Soooo……this Halloween crept up and I wanted to be The REAL Balloon Boy with a bunch of inside-out helium balloons or an insulation blanket attached to my head and have a string and a small doll dangling off my contraption, but I simply didn’t have the energy or time to put it together. Sue me. I had every intention of putting it together in the beginning of the week, but as Thursday rolled into Friday, I adopted the “Halloween is for Rookies” attitude. I had plans to stay home most of the weekend anyways and start going through the crap in my house so I can prepare for my move in January. I am selling my house and downsizing for several reasons. I am never home, my dog died, and the douchebag behind me decided to build Trump Towers West in my backyard. On Friday night I stayed late at work and went over to The Local for “one drink”. They were in the midst of a white trash party

(I had one of those years ago, too… we were grilling grilled cheese sandwiches lol) and somehow (on my empty stomach) I got so drunk in 3 hours that my wonderful friends had to help me find a cab so I could make it home safely. Scary that I don’t really remember half the night. I do recall these photos:

Carlos from The Hangover (a very popular costume this year was Allan and Carlos… the best one I saw was my friend Jeff in NJ who had a real baby for his Carlos!) (I saw this movie 3 times in the theater!)

Critical Mass: those annoying bikers that take over the streets of downtown San Diego one Friday a month. I asked Tommy 5tone what the deal was and he said, “Oh they just do it for fun.” I started taking a bunch of photos and video because I was going to blog and talk a bunch of shit about how stupid they are and I hope they get hit by a car and blah blah. But then I asked a woman standing on the sidewalk cheering them on what this was for and she said it was a statement against auto pollution. So I searched deep into my shallow little soul and realized that a Prius-driving-garbage-picking-recycling-crazy-person like myself shouldn’t be mad at them, I should embrace their cause and be proud of them! I considered join ing them one Friday a month, except that I don’t really know how to ride a bike. In traffic. I mean I know how to ride a bike, it’s just that I learned how to ride a bike on a ½ mile long driveway with no traffic. The last time I was on a bike in public was in 1993 with Stephanie and Chantelle in Mission Beach and I ended up crashing over the sea wall. So, critical massers: Have at it! I will no longer hiss at you on Friday nights when I am stuck in a taxi trying to get downtown.

Saturday night turned into a naked hottub party (Obviously there are no photos from that, duh, I don’t have a waterproof camera) which turned into 3am playing the “I’m On a Boat” video 17 times on my big-screen. We did manage to have a brief and simple Top Chefesque competition where Michelle and Michelle battled it out in a watermelon carving contest.

Needless to say when I called everyone to brunch on Sunday I was a total hurting trainwreck. I lasted 5 minutes at Universal and walked home deserting Tommy and Jen. I promptly turned my phone and brain off and fell asleep for the next 3 hours. When I woke up I had to rally and get my ass in gear to meet up with the Naughty President candidates who had flown into town. We met up at the Se Hotel and had a couple of foo-foo drinks and then Lauren, Dallas and I took them to dinner at Yard House. I had the bacon, chicken, truffle mac-n-cheese, which pulled me out of my 5pm hangover quite nicely, along with a bottle of Cakebread chardonnay.Don’t worry, I shared the wine. After dinner we walked around the corner and were denied entrance at the Star Bar because I still don’t have a fucking drivers license after letting it expire on my birthday in June. The Star Bar, which is arguably the nastiest dive bar in all of the Gaslamp, doesn’t accept passports. That’s right, they do not accept an international identification. So we went to Gaslamp Tavern where it was too loud and then decided to go back to the Se for a nightcap. I was falling asleep while dodging questions about the upcoming debate tomorrow and I finally had to call it a night. I took a cab home to discover that all of the exits near my house were blocked off and a mere $34 dollars later I was home. I should mention that I dozed off in the cab when we finally did get near my house and was a little embarrassed to tell the cabbie that he had to turn around because we had gone too far due to my narcolepsy. Long weekend folks.