Thursday May 13, 2010

[Day 3 in a row at the gym. Same weight]

I met Tommy at a place called The Big Easy for a New Orleans style dinner. Frank Terzoli, a former Top Chef contestant, owns the place so I was excited to try his food. We sat down and realized that they don’t have a liquor license yet so we politely told them no thank you and left. It’s my own fault for trying to go to a restaurant without a functioning website. What an idiot. We went approximately 25 feet across the street to none other than Fiesta Cantina: our favorite place for drinks and gawking at hot gay guys!

This is Bonnie, the cutest sweetest lab mix who kept licking my fish eye lens.

This is by far one of my favorite fish eye shots to date!

Tommy had to head home so I flipped a coin and met Tim down in Ocean Beach at Tony’s and then we ended up at Sunshine Company. I like OB, I need to get down here more often.

He was with some friends who I cannot for the life of me remember their names. I am so bad.

This is lovely. Maybe one day when I get published in a magazine I will use this as my “Meet the Contributors” shot.

It was good to hang out with Tim, we did a little shit talking about NA which is always healthy! haha! I think I might have offended his friends a little because I was kinda fired up today. His buddy is a Hawaiian, Eskimo, Asian, part Black dude with a red beard and I just could not wrap my head around that. He was a cool guy and he began giving me a bunch of shit back, too, so I think it was fine. I told them about my new idea for a video blog and they loved it. It’s basically like Man vs. Food…. but it will be Girl vs. _____. Fill in the blanks with whatever alcohol is on the menu for the night. What do you think? I think it will be highly entertaining and self deprecating which is always a blast. I am going to wait and shoot it with the Canon I am ordering

In other news: Today was interesting because I took a call from Christian who I haven’t spoken to in months. Christian was a very good friend of mine for a long time but things got a little ugly with us professionally (he is a content provider) and I chose to stop speaking to him because of the unnecessary drama he was causing me in my life. I am sure he has a different opinion about why we stopped being friends, but nonetheless, we hadn’t spoken in a very long time. He sent me a text a few weeks ago telling me about how my blogging during my trip to Australia and New Zealand has inspired him to see and do more while he was traveling. Christian likes to sit in his hotel room playing World of Warcraft and he likes to go to the gym for hours on end. I’m sorry but if you can do that shit at home, then why bother going on vacation at all? Anyways, in a nutshell he called to tell me that he underappreciated me while I was at Naughty America and he wanted to take me to dinner. (I am going to go ahead and take this as an apology for his erratic and ridiculous behavior towards me earlier this year.)  I told him the only way I would go to dinner with him is if he flies me to Texas (his home state) and takes me to dinner there. That fucker owes it to me. So we shall see if it happens. I do miss him a little bit. And I meant what I said when I was a guest blogger on his blog at the end of 2008. (PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! there is a bunch of smut on there with no warning page and stuff you might not want to read about) Our relationship had changed dramatically over the course of 2009 and we were far from BFF status. Maybe now that I don’t work in the industry and have to deal with his unprofessional horseshit on a day to day basis, we can become “friends” and talk about things that do not involve porn. I can think of a few people who might disagree with the decision of letting him back into my life, but hey…things are on my terms now and I don’t have to talk to him if things get ugly again. I’m hoping we can be friends and I can continue to assist him in being less of a douchebag. Hi Christian I know you’re reading this.

Saturday 1.23.10

Tommy and his peeps from LA wanted to eat at On The Border for some god awful reason so we got the troops together and headed to Mission Valley. By the time we were halfway through brunch and had managed to offend everyone in the patio area sitting near us, the gay porn stars had decided to stay another night and were going to run around Hillcrest in Suite703 attire and continue promoting the relaunch. As you can imagine, this turned into utter chaos and debauchery. I will spare you most of the photos… I have the photos of the boys making out  stashed on my computer for my private collection

We hit Fiesta Cantina and met some nice lesbians.

You know I love reflection pictures.

Here we are looking pretty put-together. It was early still.

LA Jenn

Jonathan doing an amazing job at getting us new customers.

Urban Mo’s

There was an episode of Top Chef last season where they had to deconstruct classic dishes… this is deconstructed onion rings. lol (I would link to the episode but I STILL haven’t finished watching last season on dvr and I am afraid to go to their website.)

We then trekked over to Baja Betty’s and I saw the tiniest pair of UGG boots. I think they are so ugly… unless they are this size. Then they are ok.

The boys were sick of Mexican food so we  decided to eat some grub at Ono Sushi. I have eaten there no less than 100 times and know everyone  so I immediately walked in and apologized in advance to the manager Mark for what was about to happen. He bought us a vat of cold sake and we ordered a shitload of delicious sushi. I love that place and the best rolls there are the Triple Fantasy and the Munchi Roll. Dee-LISH!

I ducked out super early and gave Tommy money to entertain the boys for the rest of the night … We need to hire a babysitter.

Saturday 1.16.10

Chris and I decided to spoil ourselves rotten on Saturday night and make a very decadent meal at my house. Last year during my Last Supper Birthday Challenge he successfully made seared foie gras and he wanted to do it again. He also brought bison sliders and I made duck fat/white truffle popcorn and red velvet cupcakes with bacon in them. Gluttony.

Open faced bison sliders

This is what raw foie gras looks like in case you ever wondered. It’s pretty fowl.

Chris smoked up my place so bad… it still reeks like burnt meat as I write this.

The $69 foie gras wouldn’t be complete without some decent champagne.

I love that the first time I attempt to bake anything in 2 years it looks like a murder scene.

Yeah, fuck off, I cheated … these aren’t from scratch.

Popcorn as expensive as what you buy at the theater!

The exact moment he tasted it. Seriously, I think I found my calling in life.

Kim decided the popcorn would taste better with cream cheese frosting on it. This is also a girl who thinks that spraying “I can’t Believe it’s Not Butter” on the lip of a Coors Light can makes it taste better.

Food coma.

It felt good to snuggle on the couch watching TV with my good friends. I have been running crazy like since I moved in and haven’t really had a chance to chill out at home and enjoy it. We stayed up late watching last season of Top Chef (we still didn’t finish and thankfully I haven’t learned the winner so please I beg you, don’t tell me) and I slept in til noon on Sunday. This, my friends, is exactly how to live.

week of 12.07.09 – 12.11.09

Monday: I attempted to have a Top Chef: Martha Stewart Christmas Recipes Edition but the entree flaked on me at 5:00 pm and since people in Southern California think that they will melt when it rains, the amuse bouche and the side dish also flaked. Kim, Dusty, Michelle and I ate a side dish and an appetizer and drank wine while watching the first 3 episodes of Top Chef: Las Vegas. Kim made bleu cheese stuffed dates wrapped in bacon and Dusty and Michelle made sweet potatoes with almonds and some yummy sugary stuff.

The dates were good but needed a bit more bleu cheese and the sweet potatoes were good because they weren’t the traditional kind where they are all mashed and pureed. They were sliced and cut almost like au gratin … very very good I contributed wine and frozen cream puffs/chocolate eclairs. We were unsatisfied and hungry but were certainly not malnourished.

Tuesday: nothing to report. Oh wait, there is something. We uncovered footage of a porn star flapping her mouth about having sex with Tiger Woods. On our dime. On camera in our studio. On our very own talk show called “Live With Lauren” Oh yeah, that’s nothing that the media would give a shit about! HAHA! A few of us stayed at work til the wee hours of the morning and were able to produce this video. That is the shortened version. If you want to hear 4 minutes of it visit Naughty America. Hey, Holly Sampson, maybe you want to watch what you say on the internet. I can tell you that we have spoken via text message this week and she was not very thrilled about this footage being released. I told her that I was not sorry and that I would love for her to want to continue to work for Naughty America but that she should be happy that it put both of us on the map. I told her we would hug it out the next time we saw each other. Somehow I don’t think this is going to happen.

After we finished at the office we went to the Chee-Chee and met up with Jarin and Jason and somehow managed to spend $85.00 in the hour before closing time. I think Jameson shots were involved. Waking up for work on Wednesday was a huge struggle and I walked into the sexual harassment training seminar reeking like booze. People always laugh when they hear about a porn company having sexual harassment training… like doesn’t everything we do revolve around sex and talking about sex? This yearly seminar is where we get a lot of our ideas for Naughty Office. But honestly, there are definitely instances in our office where someone might be offended. Pretty much everything out of my mouth is offensive in some way or another to someone.

Wednesday turned into Thursday which turned into Friday and I can tell you that the amount of press we have received from this footage is simply amazing. E, Extra, Insider, The Today Show, Howard Stern, TMZ, The Huffington Post, the list goes on and on. We have reports of it being shown all over the UK, New Zealand, websites in Pakistan….some of the sources chopped the video up and only some of them actually say Naughty America dot com. We are practically a household name. I remember I made a bet about 10 years ago with a guy who I worked with at Long’s Drugs. I bet him that I would be a household name by the time I was 40 years old. I bet him $1000. I have to keep pressing at this and look his ass up in 2 years.

Poor Lauren is tripping out. Her phone has been blowing up for days from people she hasn’t talked to in forever. She went on vacation on Friday and is out again tomorrow… so that means that Dallas and I have to do the show. Awkward! With 56,792 more people watching us now… does it change the dynamics of the show for me? Am I still going to go on there and spew about my debauchery and nonsense? You bet! I can tell you that every sports writer/blogger in America is watching this show now waiting for the next big story of a porn star spilling what celebrity she slept with. Tory Lane called Pauly Shore on the air the other day and when Dallas asked if it was ok that he was on the air, he said “No.” and hung up. Hilarious.

Friday night was our company holiday party at Old Town Mexican Cafe. The food is nasty but it’s cheap and really it’s all about the tasty expensive tequila shots we do. We had a speech from Andreas, we all gloated in our success from the week and then went to Old Town Saloon to get shit-faced drunk. I tried to get the boss’s bff to go home with me but he informed me that boss man has forbidden it. Cock blocker!

I love it when Michelle drinks.

I would love to know what this conversation was about.

We missed you Lauren, Corina and Erin

Monday 11.02.09 – Wednesday 11.04.09

I was doing really well with my diet all winter and spring last year, but pretty much gave up when I had a hernia operation in June. My birthday weekend was no help (bacon wrapped everything: another day when I have nothing to talk about it I will tell you about “Top Chef: Laura’s Last Supper Edition”) and then summer just turned into a bunch of traveling, eating and no gym time. Anyways, today I pulled up a skirt over my fat ass that hasn’t fit in weeks. As it turns out, if you drink for 3 days and don’t eat, you lose weight! I looked very professional for debate day and headed to the office to watch 5 hopeful candidates battle it out for the honor of being elected The President of Naughty America. The debate went well, they all handled themselves professionally and answered the unexpected and oftentimes awkward questions. We went to Bareback Grill for lunch and I ordered the delicious Meso Tasty chicken sandwich and of course the crack-like french fries that they cook with a sweet sugary finish. I worked til almost 10:30 pm and went home and attempted to sleep. The last time I looked at the clock it was 1:30 am

On Tuesday my realtor called and told me that the bank approved my short sale on my home and that I had to be out by the end of the month. I have no place to move to and I have not started packing. This is where I start beating myself up for accomplishing absolutely nothing all weekend. Are you kidding me??? I am scheduled to go home for my reunion on the 24th, so this means I have to be out by the 23rd! BWAHAHAHAHA! This is unreal! I have a 1700 square foot house FULL of crap. I have made this decision to simplify my life knowing that I will be selling and/or donating most of what I own, however, I am 10000% unprepared to have this happen in the next 27 days. Holy shit. Ladies and gentlemen, this was not the plan. I worked late and then went home and popped an ambien. I got them a long time ago from a friend who works nights and I thought I would try one to help with my insomnia. Bad idea.

On Wednesday I woke up looped as all hell. Thats the last time I try that crap! I felt hungover until about noon… it was awful. At least if I feel like that in the morning, I better have had some fun the night before. I tried not to panic all day about my house and the mess I have to deal with. I made it to the gym tonight for the first time in weeks, and it felt great. I also went to a meeting of people in the adult business that gets together every Wednesday… I am in search of a co-host for our morning show and wanted to get the word out to anyone who might be interested. I managed to talk a girl out of a career in porn…. she said she wanted to disguise herself if she did it. A wig, some makeup and maybe have the camera not near her face. Umm, girlie, you might want to just consider escorting.

Here’s a funny story about a good friend of my bosses: I have a huge crush on him and we have flirted a lot in the past but the reality is we will never seal the deal. Not only does he like emaciated supermodel skinny Latina heroin addict looking girls, he is the best bud of my boss. If we ever got together it would be beyond awkward and I know they would sit around and talk about it like teenage school girls. So the friend needs a date to an event coming up and boss sent him the NOH8 photo of me saying “Hey, you should take this chick to your dance, she’s a friend of Dallas’s and I heard she’s great in bed!” Friend is like “Fuck yeah! Is she local!?” haha! Seriously… this has been going on in an email for days now… I can’t wait to hear the outcome of their dinner date tomorrow night. He is going to let it go as long as he can and then “read him the riot act” about how shallow he is. Funny stuff.

In other news, I splurged and bought myself an electric toothbrush. It’s awesome, you should get one!